Anyone on here have any experiences? Feel free to PM if you can share experiences or any suggestion on how to proceed, as I could go in depth better about the situation.

My mom has been going through severe depression, to the point where she is now borderline suicidal. She has had some form of depression since at least the mid-1990s, and was magnified after my father passed from lung cancer in late 2009 (they were divorced for several years before that). Since then she has lived with several family members (her sister, then her brother, now currently with my grandmother) and has basically worn our her welcome with all mostly due to her inability (or desire) to help out around their homes, or find a job. My brother and I live together in another state, and we surely don't make enough money yet to take care of someone who will do absolutely nothing and needs to be watched 24/7. She has no job, and thus no insurance. How limited are our options?

10/15/2011 7:31:20 PM

Have you asked her why she's depressed? What is her response?

[Edited on October 15, 2011 at 7:34 PM. Reason : .]

10/15/2011 7:33:32 PM

Both of my parents have struggled and are struggling with depression.

My dad sought help with a therapist and medication and it's helped a great deal. My mom refuses to admit she has a problem and it's tough. What I try to do is treat her normally. My mom certainly isn't suicidal but when we would walk around on eggshells around her it would just make her moodier and more depressed.

Fwiw

10/15/2011 7:47:57 PM

In her mind, she thinks no one cares about her and no one wants to help her. But plenty of people have offered help (jobs, church, etc.), even old friends have tried to call her, and she won't call them back. She use to use Facebook a lot to keep up with people, but stopped using it abruptly several months ago. I had moved to Oklahoma for a job in '08, and moved to SC to be closer to family earlier this year. I try to go up to NC to visit when I can, but can only go so often.

10/15/2011 7:49:06 PM

I guess I should share she has been seeing therapists and such, though it's been a revolving door with that. She has also been on different kinds of medication, though I am not exactly sure what all she has taken. This last incident a few days ago occurred when she stopped taking her medication. Right now she is at the hospital under observation and is awaiting on getting committed somewhere (my brother is up there now trying to figure some stuff out).

10/15/2011 7:59:25 PM

If your mother is willing to consider counseling and possibly medication, she can receive help through the Department of Health and Human Services. Without any income, she shouldn't have to pay anything. If you're concerned that she is a danger to herself, you can have her voluntarily committed (or involuntarily depending on the severity) for a period of time.

I have no experience with a depressed parent, but my late uncle was a paranoid schizophrenic without health insurance. My grandparents had to have him committed in order to get him medicated. Eventually, my uncle was able to hold down a job, but he was unable to live by himself because someone had to ensure that he continued taking his medication. I hate to say this, but if your mother is severely depressed or suffering from some other mental problem, someone will need to stay with her and care for her until she is able to care for herself. She'll also need to be monitored thereafter.

[Edited on October 15, 2011 at 8:09 PM. Reason : ]

10/15/2011 8:06:26 PM

Quote :

"In her mind, she thinks no one cares about her and no one wants to help her. But plenty of people have offered help (jobs, church, etc.), even old friends have tried to call her, and she won't call them back. She use to use Facebook a lot to keep up with people, but stopped using it abruptly several months ago. I had moved to Oklahoma for a job in '08, and moved to SC to be closer to family earlier this year. I try to go up to NC to visit when I can, but can only go so often."

I read about a Facebook depression in which people used it to compare their lives to other people. When they see weddings and parties and good times, they feel left out and depressed that they didn't have a wedding, party, or good times to go to.


Although, she is gettng old, and bodies and brains don't function 100% like they used to. I'm sad to say, you can't real help those that don't want to be helped.

10/15/2011 8:08:44 PM

Yeah, she has been pretty resistant to help, especially here in the past month apparently. I was there just a month ago, and she seems like a totally different person. No life, or excitement when either I or my brother would visit. I understand part of that could be due to the medication making her dull, but she still seemed lifeless. It's just so hard because both our parents did all they could for the two of us to be successful, and now we are struggling trying to do all we can to show that she has a lot to live for.

10/15/2011 8:16:30 PM

if medication is making her that dull/lifeless then she needs to try a different medication. there are a ton of different ones for people who are battling depression.

10/15/2011 8:18:44 PM

Duly noted! I know she has tried several, not sure what kind.

10/15/2011 8:20:00 PM

Maybe it's just time to let her go. If she wants to be depressed then shouldn't that be her choice?

10/15/2011 8:20:29 PM

Next time you visit, play this in the car: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhyVIluOwKg

It should help her situation: /message_topic.aspx?topic=618994

[Edited on October 15, 2011 at 8:34 PM. Reason : v--She needs a Doberman Pinscher IMO

10/15/2011 8:30:04 PM

I dont think anyone wants to be depressed.


There are two types of depressions.

1) Depressions that can be cured by giving the person what they want (attention, a new love).

2) Depressions that persist even when they get what they want. (chemical imbalance)



Perhaps, you can try to buy her a dog? Dogs will give her the unconditional love she needs.

[Edited on October 15, 2011 at 8:31 PM. Reason : .]

10/15/2011 8:30:48 PM

Quote :

"Perhaps, you can try to buy her a dog? Dogs will give her the unconditional love she needs."

Jesus H. Fucking christ. Shut up, shut up, shut up.

Perhaps you need to stick a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger.

10/16/2011 7:54:38 AM

I have no advice to give other than to say that a friend's dad went through this. He actually attempted suicide once or twice (stuffed the car exhaust and rolled up the windows). Now he's doing great and is back to his normal self (he was pretty much everyone's favorite dad).

10/16/2011 8:29:25 AM

I went through some depression once. So did my mom and sister.
Effexor has helped us a good deal. Has she tried it yet?

10/16/2011 10:24:10 AM

I had a close family member who was uber depressed for a few years.

Turned out it was a brain tumor

True story.

10/16/2011 12:04:36 PM

I like to advocate trying to cure her depression without going straight to medicine.

If it's a true depression and not a chemical imbalance, the medicine is sure to throw a normal body out of proportion.


The reason I suggest to get a puppy is because puppies have smiles on their faces, they bounce up and down, and they make you physically move around. Having a puppy is like having a kid and she'll feel like a parent again. She'll feel like she's needed again, because without her, the puppy can't survive.

If you think about it: She lost her kids when they moved out... she lost her husband in a divorce... and she lost her husband again when he died... she lost the company of her family...


Why don't you take a field trip over to the SPCA and see how she reacts? What's the harm?? You get to spend time with your mom and potentially help her at the same time.

10/16/2011 1:39:28 PM

Getting a DOG for an unemployed person who is experiencing depression severe enough have them committed is the stupidest fucking advice that I have ever heard. He hasn't described a parent who is a little under the weather, he's describing a chronic and severe mental/emotional problem. A dog is not going to help. It may even make things worse because she doesn't have the financial resources to care for the dog and will likely use the dog as an excuse. I've seen it before "I can't afford my medication because I have to buy dog food." "I can't go to rehab for a week because I have no one to care for the dog." "I can't get a job because no one will let out my dog while I'm at work." "I can't get an apartment because I can't afford the pet fees." A dog is a piss poor decision and a cop out.

Her children are going to have to force her to check into a facility to start her on the road to recovery. (Like I said chronic and severe depression needs more than a fluffy solution.) Then they are going to have to decide to move in close enough proximity to ensure that she makes it to appointments and takes her medication. Then they're going to have to encourage her and push her to get a job and live on her own once they get her stabilized. It's going to require hands on tough love unless they want to write her off not a fucking puppy.

10/16/2011 2:18:32 PM

I dare you to think out of the box and figure out a solution that doesn't involve popping pills.






Suggesting medication is the easy way out, but once you go into (psychiatric) drugs, you never come out.


[Edited on October 16, 2011 at 2:30 PM. Reason : .]

10/16/2011 2:30:16 PM

^because dealing with ongoing severe depression and potential suicidal tendencies is the time to experiment and think outside of the box? Really man? The woman needs professional help which may very well include medication. I am a serious believer that our society depends on medication way too mich but serious depression that's ongoing for OVER A DECADE is not likely to be purely emotional.

10/16/2011 2:43:39 PM

I'm not the one that neglected the depression for 15 years, dave.


15 years, dave, went by without treatment and you're crying about not having time to experiment.

[Edited on October 16, 2011 at 2:52 PM. Reason : .]

10/16/2011 2:48:42 PM

That's a gross generalization. The goal of most doctors is to get the patient to the point that they no longer require medication. The medication is a tool used during a rough period in one's life to get you through and enable you to get help. If you're so depressed that living from moment to moment is a challenge, you may not make it long enough to get help.

If she's being committed, she's a danger to herself and/or others. Even if medication isn't the answer, she is still going to need intense therapy to give her the tools to manage a life that has become unmanageable. Not a fucking dog.

10/16/2011 2:59:41 PM

Quote :

"That's a gross generalization. The goal of most doctors is to get the patient to the point that they no longer require medication. The medication is a tool used during a rough period in one's life to get you through and enable you to get help. If you're so depressed that living from moment to moment is a challenge, you may not make it long enough to get help. If she's being committed, she's a danger to herself and/or others. Even if medication isn't the answer, she is still going to need intense therapy to give her the tools to manage a life that has become unmanageable. Not a fucking dog."

This is laughable. It's true in theory, but not true in practice. Buyer beware.

10/16/2011 3:09:02 PM

In practice as well. Most of the people who get on medication and stay on medication either have a mental illness (chemical imbalance) or they're people who will not put in the work and believe medication to be a cure all. I know several people who took medication for a period like a death and then no longer required medication once they processed that loss.

10/16/2011 3:14:42 PM

Quote :

"I'm not the one that neglected the depression for 15 years, dave"

No, you're the idiot suggesting that he buy her a fucking dog instead of getting real help.

10/16/2011 3:25:46 PM

I know a lot of guys coming back from the desert who are fucked up, one of the more recommended ways to help them is getting them a dog. http://www.nhpr.org/node/32362 , http://articles.cnn.com/2008-01-29/living/dogs.veterans_1_ptsd-service-dogs-guide-dogs?_s=PM:LIVING, etc

I mean there is a stigma going to a shrink or being on meds, even in the civilian world. If you have a dog, no one is going to care. It helps the individual stay occupied, gives them a companion, makes them feel needed, etc.

10/16/2011 3:40:57 PM

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/survivors/201107/why-dogs-heal-ptsd

I mean I'm sure depression is a different beast than ptsd, but surely some of the benefits carry over.

10/16/2011 3:43:09 PM

^^^,^^^^You'd be amazed.


Something so simple curing something so complicated.




I'm unimpressed that you throw her away to be someone else's problem. Professionals have as little clue as you do. They see hundreds of patients and frankly they don't really give a shit.



Professional help hasn't helped people like Lindsay Lohann, Amy Winehouse, or anybody on the show Rehab?
Did it help the man with a golden voice? No, no, no, and no.
These are rich and/or famous people. If professionals can't help them, then you shouldn't give professionals that much credit.


What has worked is people getting addicted on something positive. Like a puppy. or art, music, or dance.

What does your mother like to do? Does she knit? She can knit for the troops or knit for whatever. It'll keep her mind off the depression and it'll make her happy to know she is making other people happy.


You know your mother best. I'm just throwing ideas out there. I'm not claiming to be right, but I'm not claiming to be wrong, either. I would definitely try the FREE and EASY solutions before complete intervention.


That is all.

[Edited on October 16, 2011 at 3:43 PM. Reason : .]

10/16/2011 3:43:15 PM

Goddamn you are the most retarded motherfucker on here. Those are all very good examples of CELEBRITIES with some form of narcotics ADDICTION.

Please just shut up. The professionals that I know, the ones that I've used, and the ones that friends have used all know a lot more than "get a dog, they're fun and make people smile". They also care quite a bit about most of the patients that they see.

Also, a blanket dog recommendation is a poor idea for depression as often it's caused by a feeling of loss and new pets and people can actually cause it to worsen due to feelings of "when is this one going to die/leave/etc". Coupled with no job and the stress of not being able to afford to care for the animal, it's just fucking dumb to suggest it without knowing more and actually sitting down to attempt to find the root issue. PTSD is a different beast altogether and, while there are similarities, the issues are too different to recommend the same solutions every time. Even then, I think you'll find that a dog is not a flat reco for PTSD sufferers, only a common one depending on any other issues that may exist.

10/16/2011 4:17:21 PM

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Behaviour_therapy

Suggest some self-help books to start out with. Not because they have some secret to her problems, but it will get her in the mindset of doing something to help herself.

If she's not decided enough to do something like that, then screw it. Lost cause.

Convince her that there are other people out there who are also depressed and need her. Don't play it out to be that you're doing something to help her. Turn it around. Focus on passions. Make sure that she's developing some social networks. Suggest accountability partners. Find something to ask her for help with.

I would go against the puppy idea. Too indulgent. Better to help at the SPCA as a volunteer, for instance. Find charities, churches (if option?), other stuff to play a role in. She needs to be going to something regularly where people recognize her.

Drugs have their place, but for reasons we generally find self-obvious they should be taken as a last resort. If absolutely nothing else works then medications should be suggested/used, but if it's the case that she won't do anything to help herself, then it's unclear what the goal is. Nothing can fix that. Get clarity with her whether or not she wants what everyone is working towards.

Make it clear what kind of life you want for her, and that hard work is needed on her part in order to get that. If she's not 100%, leave it. You can make a plan for her and present it. Do that and exactly that. This is the science of motivation. Appeal, don't convince. Don't argue.

10/16/2011 4:31:31 PM

Quote :

"The professionals that I know, the ones that I've used,"

I rest my case.

10/16/2011 4:37:26 PM

Quote :

"It'll keep her mind off the depression"

Often, depression isn't feeling depressed and sad, it's a lack of motivation to do anything that would normally be enjoyable. GeniuSxBoY doesn't seem to know much of what he's talking about.

10/16/2011 8:10:56 PM

You say something false and then tell me I have no idea what I'm talking about?

I know your audience doesn't know it's false and they'll agree with you just because you're more likable, this is why America is going in the shitter. Can't face reality.

10/16/2011 9:11:39 PM

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/men-and-depression/symptoms-of-depression-and-mania.shtml

Quote :

"Symptoms of Depression and Mania Not everyone who is depressed or manic experiences every symptom. Some people experience only a few; some people suffer many. The severity of symptoms varies among individuals and also over time. Depression * Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood. * Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism. * Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness. * Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyable, including sex. * Decreased energy, fatigue; feeling “slowed down.” * Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions. * Trouble sleeping, early morning awakening, or oversleeping. * Changes in appetite and/or weight. * Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts. * Restlessness or irritability. * Persistent physical symptoms, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain that do not respond to routine treatment."

nice try

[Edited on October 16, 2011 at 9:27 PM. Reason : smh]

10/16/2011 9:22:38 PM

I usually don't mind your posts/trolling and am often amused by it but it has no place in this thread.

Is your mom on xanax? often times doctors will prescribe this and it works for a while but you can gain a dependency on it (obviously).

I was going to type a personal story here but given that this thread is being jacked up I'll PM you instead.

10/17/2011 1:32:36 AM

On to the original topic...JP, I think you're on the right track: if she needs to be watched 24/7, then she needs to be in a hospital.

I don't know how much has already been done by your family in town, but eventually, you may need to research the ins-and-outs of public mental health services in the area. To learn about the system, I think the advice of a professional would come in handy, and when she leaves the hospital, they should also give lots of information about what's next. There is a social "safety net" in place, I'm sure, but I don't know anything about it (and it looks like the rest of TWW is also at a bit of a loss). If your mother is in Wake County, some numbers that could be helpful eventually:

http://www.wakegov.com/humanservices/adult/mental/default.htm

Also, there is the whole legal thing--she might need to assign one of you has her legal decision-maker thingy (can't think of the word).

And, finally, I suspect your mother may qualify for some kind of disability money or something. In the future, I wonder if your family in town would have an easier time living with her if there was a little bit of cash on the table while she got on her feet?

[Edited on October 17, 2011 at 1:53 AM. Reason : ]

10/17/2011 1:47:21 AM

Quote :

"one of you has her legal decision-maker thingy"

Her legal guardian/guardianship/conservatorship, with power of attorney.

10/17/2011 2:17:30 AM

That's a tough one JP, and I have no answers, but I can tell you what to expect. Catch 22's and stalemates. You can't really take her in, because that's just going to enable her, but you can't let her out the cold because she'll get even more depressed.

Sorry to have to say this man... and you're going to see the wisdom in what I'm about to tell you, or you're going to arrive to this point on your own, and if you do arrive to this point on your own, you're going to do it over the course of a decade (or longer if you are more dedicated as I was).

You're going to have to let her have enough rope to hang herself. If she's made up her mind to end her life, she's going to do it and you won't be able to stop her and if you try, you'll kill yourself emotionally, financially, physically and spiritually. She will wear out her welcome with you, and you'll be numb to anything she wants or needs.

You have to let her go.

Let her know that you love her when she's ready to help herself, you'll be there. It won't work before she truly wants to help herself. Even now, that's not a sure-fire solution. But the fact of the matter is that she is an adult who is grieving and depressed, and while she is not thinking clearly, her instincts will tell her she needs to kick it into gear when her back is to the wall.

Take it from me, it'll be extremely hard... but it is extremely necessary.

10/17/2011 2:40:53 AM

Thanks for all the suggestions and shared experiences (in the thread and via PM). She got admitted to Duke last night and will be evaluated through the week to determine the next step. I don't think she is aware at this moment that she can't go back to staying with my grandmother (or anyone else in the family). Have applied for Medicaid, but won't know the status of that for a few weeks. From what my brother told me, she is still in her "blah" mode, which is something we are definitely not used to. When we have typically visited her, she would always express happiness and ask lots of questions (how's job, personal life, etc). However, when my brother visited at the hospital, all he got was a "hi" and no questions, like he has always been around, even though the last time he visited was in April. But, at least this is progress and hopefully she will get the help she needs. I'd like to go and visit more often than I have, but I'm not sure how much it would help in her given state.

10/17/2011 10:46:40 AM

For the record, JP, I am not trolling.

Quote :

"From what my brother told me, she is still in her "blah" mode, which is something we are definitely not used to. When we have typically visited her, she would always express happiness and ask lots of questions (how's job, personal life, etc). However, when my brother visited at the hospital, all he got was a "hi" and no questions "

Whether you like to admit it or not, your mother is a human being. She has feelings, too. Even when depressed. She has a brain and she knows what's going on.

You committing her to a hospital is the B-I-G-G-E-S-T stab in the back in the world. She will resent you for the rest of her life for doing it and she'll never forget.

Especially when you didn't even try to work with her to get her out of the depression naturally. You didn't give her warnings, you didn't write it on paper for her, and you didn't even think about it for that long.


I would like to see you smile and say thank you when you're committed to a hospital by your sons or daughters.

Wow. Just wow. The nerve you have.

10/17/2011 3:56:17 PM

GeniuSxBoY, I'm afraid you are misinterpreting JP's intentions in sharing the part about his mother's "blah" attitude. You are also jumping to a lot of conclusions about the situation.

You gotta wait for the evidence before you can lay the judgmental, emotional smack down!

10/17/2011 4:30:19 PM

It depends on the situation, and most of us would probably like to assume the best about people and think that JP didn't send his/her mom to the hospital without pursuing all the other options, doing so with the best of intentions, actually perceived a threat to her or other people, and wants to get her out as soon as possible.

10/17/2011 5:21:51 PM

^mrfrog, I like giving people the benefit of the doubt, too. But I had to endure a lot of harassment on page 1 to get the point across to exhaust all paths before committing her.

@JP: now is the time to present the list of actions you took to prevent your mother from being committed.

[Edited on October 17, 2011 at 6:07 PM. Reason : .]

10/17/2011 6:06:59 PM

keep this thread civil and on topic please

10/17/2011 11:00:44 PM

JP: Very sorry to hear about your mother's situation. You and your brother seem to be doing a really good job communicating with each other and trying to help which I think is admirable. We are all entering that age where it's time for us to give back for the things our parents gave us.

I have mixed feelings over drugs. I think it's a very odd delineation we make between drugs that are acceptable and drugs that are punishable by life imprisonment.

Ultimately, I think all drug use should be left up to the individual based on how it makes them feel. When you say "blah"... blah might be an improvement for some people, or a much worse state for others...

If you believe she is suicidal and needs to level out then I think "blah" is great and may give her time to reflect on the time she has left in this world. A little bit of "blah" time can be good for someone who is having irrational thoughts.

Just this weekend I read a story about Jerry West, one of the best NBA players of all-time suffering his entire life with depression because his dad beat him as a child. It makes you wonder how someone can get to the very top of their career and sustain a position as an executive and battle those kind of thoughts.

Today, a body was discovered in my building from a worker who committed suicide over the weekend. A little bit of "blah" medicine might have saved his life.

Depression medicine doesn't work for a strong personality type like myself. I like to feel pain and happiness. I'd like to magnify each of them 100x. I don't think depression meds are a great way to go through life numb to emotions. But I think it's important that a person reaches an equilibrium after a painful life re-set so they can make a conscious decision on which path to take.

10/18/2011 12:31:11 AM

Quote :

"She will resent you for the rest of her life for doing it and she'll never forget."

This is a very bold statement to make. You have no idea how she will feel after this - for all you know, she might get all the help sh needs and say thank you at the end. She could look back on her moment at Duke and realize it was a turning point for her. Just because she was committed doesn't mean she will resent her children for the rest of her life for doing so. Like Bridget said, you're jumping to conclusions way too much here.

10/18/2011 7:56:53 AM

With my mom it's been a struggle. She's been clinically depressed for years, she's been on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for about a decade, maybe longer (in conjunction with therapy) and the medicines she is on now for other medical issues (chemo, steroids) have really messed with her chemistry and has sent us through a tail-spin. The past couple of weeks have been extremely hard on her, getting back on chemo-- and then Sunday having a TIA (transient ischemic attack), it's been a roller coaster from hell.

It's hard being someone's child and watch your parent fall apart emotionally. I'm lucky because she does want to take her medicine and she does want to face it but there are dark moments when there's no clear way.

As for advice: medicaid should be able to help cover costs, and it sounds like she should qualify for disability (with severe depression) so make sure you and your brother start the paperwork, now that she's been admitted, there should be people working with your mom who can put you in contact with social workers who can help you with this, it will definitely come in handy with living with family members, help with the cost while she works to get better and can some day help around the house etc. Also make sure you and your brother are in contact with her doctors. And you might want to go ahead and start talking about power of attorney, in case it gets worse.

10/18/2011 8:50:22 AM

I remember when an anti-depressant was just putting socks on a dog.

10/18/2011 9:26:04 AM

Quote :

"My mom has been going through severe depression, to the point where she is now borderline suicidal. She has had some form of depression since at least the mid-1990s, and was magnified after my father passed from lung cancer in late 2009 (they were divorced for several years before that). Since then she has lived with several family members (her sister, then her brother, now currently with my grandmother) and has basically worn our her welcome with all mostly due to her inability (or desire) to help out around their homes, or find a job. My brother and I live together in another state, and we surely don't make enough money yet to take care of someone who will do absolutely nothing and needs to be watched 24/7. She has no job, and thus no insurance. How limited are our options?"

My mom has been in the same situation for most of my life. My father passed from HIV/AIDs when I was 8 and she stayed at home collecting social security checks untill I moved out. I tried helping her out at State, and at one point was even giving her my own loan money before I just cut the cord completely. I have refused to help her out since then, and she has just leached off of other family members.

She threatens suicide all the time, but the best thing that I ever did was just move on. I will still talk to her, but I don't listen to the complaining and what not. You just have to realise that people go through worse situations daily and grow from it, and although it may sound harsh, the ones that don't prolly lived their whole lives without having to really work for anything. Her father use to bail her out all of the time, and she just expects other people to give her cash. So I just cut her out.

10/18/2011 1:07:25 PM