My wife and I have been married for 5 yrs. Now the relationship is getting bad.
She went to industry early and has been working for 2 yrs. I'm still in school. After finding out that academic job is not right for me, I quit my phd and now is gonna graduate.

I keep hunting jobs and finishing master degree actively. But she still blames on me frequently and severely. Our relationship gets bad since my ILs come. She almost raises the issue of getting divorced everyday now.

I understand she is concerned about family and the child, but everybody has different career path. I try to pursue academic jobs before, but then I find I'm more interested about working with ppl. So I quit my phd and switch to master. I have gotten more than ten interviews and I think an offer is on the way. I've explained with her about this but she seems not understanding me very well and keeps quarreling with me.

I met a problem with my OPT cancellation right now. message_topic.aspx?topic=634504 I think her strong push and blame make me feel very bad. She indirectly causes this trouble occurs actually. I didn't think thoroughly before I applied graduation and OPT since I felt a lot of pressure from her. But I didn't meet graduation criteria in the end and need to go back to cancel the OPT. That's currently VERY VERY tough. That costs a lot of extra time, money and energy.

I'm very frustrated with her right now.

She is pretty aggressive in career. Her ex left her just because of this. Not many men can tolerate her aggressiveness.

Do you guys have any suggestions about handling this issue?
[Edited on February 10, 2013 at 10:33 AM. Reason : add another note]

[Edited on February 10, 2013 at 10:51 AM. Reason : add another note]

2/10/2013 10:30:27 AM

tdub is not a blog!

2/10/2013 10:47:23 AM

http://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/girls/articles/2011-06/27/gq-sex-and-relationships-good-oral-sex-tips-advice-cunnilingus

2/10/2013 10:57:14 AM

What do you mean? Give her oral sex organism?

2/10/2013 10:58:39 AM

2/10/2013 11:05:02 AM

He looks very similar as you.

2/10/2013 11:12:11 AM

it's a chit chat bonanza in here, ok I'll kick off some lounge-appropriate therapy

Is your wife Chinese or American? How old is your child? Have you been to couples therapy yet? How are the relationships between you two and your in-laws?

2/10/2013 11:31:13 AM

I'm not married, so I don't have much advice to give. It seems like she blames you for not living up to her expectations(or maybe her parents' expectations). You seem to blame her for putting too much stress and abuse on you. She sees the child and worries you won't be able to support them, and raising a child is difficult by itself. She might be in love with idea of you being a phd, but remember that you are not entirely defined by your job and she will probably be just as happy once you are successful in any job. I think many of these problems will disappear once you have a steady job and are bringing home some money.

In the meantime you have to have a positive, upbeat, happy attitude. You and your wife may have fallen into the habit of arguing. She has legitimate concerns about you, but try to avoid the arguments. Work hard and be prepared each day to say, "I understand that you are worried about me. Here is what I have done today to work towards my career and to take care of the baby."

The Student Health Services on campus offers free counseling with good doctors. You should stop by there sometime just for a talk. The problems that you and your wife have are common, but probably more stressful because you are immigrants. But the doctors there will have advice for you better than mine, and it's helpful to talk to someone outside your family.

2/10/2013 11:32:44 AM

^^She's Chinese. The baby is 2 months old.
The ILs want to ruin my family. So we have decided to send them home earlier.

2/10/2013 11:39:40 AM

^^ I think her "push" has made negative effect on me. She doesn't want me to play basketball, have some free time, and want me to study 24 hrs a day.
Her push is overwhelming already.

2/10/2013 11:49:27 AM

Quote :

"we have decided to send them home earlier."

Hahahaha.

The inlaws just want the best for you. But it's your lives, not theirs. Living under someone else's constant disapproval makes life miserable and can hurt real and personal motivation.

Try to enjoy their company though, they probably won't be back for a long time.

[Edited on February 10, 2013 at 11:50 AM. Reason : .]

2/10/2013 11:49:51 AM

Definitely think you guys need professional help. The fact she brings up divorce constantly is pretty alarming. I think she has other issues with you besides not having a steady income

[Edited on February 10, 2013 at 11:55 AM. Reason : .]

2/10/2013 11:54:00 AM

The MIL is a psycho. She turns to psycho mode once a week. I also think she has kind of split personality. At normal time, she just keep laughing, looks very happy. But once a week she starts to yell and shout.

Another thing is, women are easier to find a job and successful in the company. It's also common for wife is working and paying the bill while husband is studying and preparing to work.

I sacrifice a lot for her already. I brought her from China, and relocated from CT to NC for her.

Maybe it's b/c of the Post-partum depression. She just had a baby 2.5 months ago.

[Edited on February 10, 2013 at 12:16 PM. Reason : add another note]

2/10/2013 11:57:09 AM

^^ I hate that too. It's also b/c of the ILs maybe.
The MIL has negative influence on our relations. She has talked about letting us get divorced, also the kid and house ownerships.

[Edited on February 10, 2013 at 12:01 PM. Reason : add another note]

2/10/2013 11:58:55 AM

good luck shoot. i will always love you.

2/10/2013 12:53:47 PM

Is it just about your financial/employment situation?

2/10/2013 12:57:41 PM

I vote for:

Oral

Sex

Organism!

2/10/2013 12:58:14 PM

^^Partially, not all.

2/10/2013 1:04:19 PM

Not to be an ass, but this is why you should wait until you have a solid career before you take on a wife and kids.

2/10/2013 2:46:30 PM

Her culture supports very disciplined measures for success... for you & any children you may have. You seem to be at the pointed end of that, right now.

I have no advice, as it is not my marriage... the few things I will mention are:

-The end of any marriage is self centered-ness.... or rather, that one party is putting their own needs above those of their partner. Finger pointing doesn't help. Both of you need to be on board with the success of your partnership, or you will fail.

-As for the in-laws portion of the show... marriage vows mention that a man will leave his mother and a woman, her home... Taken in non-literal senses, I take this as that you must make your own space, your own rules, and your own sense of family to what is important to the two of you & no one else... it's one of the hardest things to do. If her mother is interfering with your marriage, you & your wife are responsible for letting her know that she is not a part of it. You must also agree on this... and know what is valuable to you, so that you both can be accountable for keeping it that way.

-Communicate. These are things you and she need to discuss.
Why isn't she OK with you going out with friends? Probably because she feels overly responsible for a child and wants some time for herself, too... maybe because she wants you to succeed in a profession, first... Maybe she has expectations that aren't being met (and maybe even ones you don't know about)..... I don't know - these are things to ask of her.
Compromise. Be open minded.
Discuss it with her, and not an internet board? You get to make those decisions...

2/10/2013 4:19:18 PM

Quote :

"The MIL is a psycho. She turns to psycho mode once a week."

Quote :

"Not to be an ass, but this is why you should wait until you have a solid career before you take on a wife and kids."

Just to take a step back, this is actually implying that someone who goes into music just shouldn't ever have a family. It's not just that, it's several career tracks. If you're a woman going MD, then this advice makes is basically mathematically impossible to have a family. I know people who a PhD who didn't get out of debt until 40. Many people coming out of law school today may literally never be out of debt.

2/10/2013 4:33:35 PM

^ perhaps a better way to state it is that there needs to be some mutual agreement on how and who will support the family if one spouse is in a deadbeat career (music), or a delayed career such as medicine or academics.

I supported my wife through med school, and we had a child during that time. I made more than enough for that to work, although there was still a lot I gave up in terms of toys and expensive trips that the single life would have afforded me. I knew what I was getting into and made that decision. It would have been a bullshit move to get butthurt about it after the fact. She out now.


I'm now at the step that reads


$Profit

2/10/2013 4:39:01 PM

I feel like a lot of aggressive, career oriented women feel similarly to shoot's wife. They want to be taken seriously and pursue their careers aggressively like a man would as if she were the main bread winner. But when they realize that they actually ARE the main bread winner, they look down on their male partner as if he is a failure for not providing more than her. Deep down, no matter how career oriented she claims to be, she still yearned to be provided for. It's ingrained in all women's biology.

Damned if you do, shoot. Know what I mean?

2/10/2013 6:42:43 PM

Quote :

"I quit my phd and now is gonna graduate"

2/10/2013 6:46:18 PM

whos down with opt

2/10/2013 7:10:26 PM

What gender is the baby?

2/10/2013 7:17:41 PM

^^^He's a relatively new immigrant from China, Tdub is being surprisingly nice.

[Edited on February 10, 2013 at 7:28 PM. Reason : .]

2/10/2013 7:27:53 PM

Quote :

"I feel like a lot of aggressive, career oriented women feel similarly to shoot's wife. They want to be taken seriously and pursue their careers aggressively like a man would as if she were the main bread winner. But when they realize that they actually ARE the main bread winner, they look down on their male partner as if he is a failure for not providing more than her. Deep down, no matter how career oriented she claims to be, she still yearned to be provided for. It's ingrained in all women's biology."

This is not true.

I don't look down on my partner for his choices in life, or that he might make less than I do

if your spouse does look down on you (regardless of gender!), maybe it is actually time for divorce since it shows a fundamental lack of respect in your marriage

2/10/2013 7:34:57 PM

^Well said.

2/10/2013 8:30:38 PM

so what does your wife do exactly?

2/10/2013 8:46:44 PM

Hardware engineer at Qualcomm.

2/10/2013 8:52:13 PM

Quote :

"I quit my phd and now is gonna graduate"

I think this means he is stopping at a master's degree rather than continue on a Ph.D. track.

2/10/2013 8:59:10 PM

I pursue my academic career for too long. That causes the trouble.

2/10/2013 9:02:13 PM

Is this real life?

2/10/2013 10:23:18 PM

life's too short to marry a bitch.

2/10/2013 10:48:06 PM

aren't you on your third masters or something? get a job, man.

2/11/2013 12:02:33 AM

Well, consider how much child support (and insurance) you will have to pay if you two decide to divorce. The going rates for that shit are pretty HIGH these days.

2/11/2013 12:16:16 AM

shoot i think you should surprise your wife with a pet dog (for friendly pet, not to eat)

2/11/2013 12:19:55 AM

If you are in your 30s, still taking classes, and have not entered the workforce yet, it wouldn't hurt to re-evaluate your goals. Shit, even 27 year old residents right out of med school make $60k-$80k.

But seriously, like shoot's wife, career student annoy the shit out of me, too. But I would assume that she knew about this life choice of his before they got married. Was there a recent sudden change in her feelings, shoot? Or did your wife always feel this way since before you were married?

2/11/2013 3:06:47 AM

^^^^ yes, the 3rd master. Sounds crazy,right? I'm looking for every opportunity to get out of school.

2/11/2013 9:21:31 AM

^^ The change may due to the post-partum depression and the MIL.

2/11/2013 9:37:06 AM

I remember you posting in the parenting thread about your inlaws. How long have they been gone at this point? Perhaps discuss all that happened with that with your wife, let the dust settle from the drama that their presence added to the situation, and see where you stand.

Also. If your wife has been diagnosed with post partum depression, I would appeal to doctors in how you can help her overcome (be supportive, she needs sleep, take the baby out so she can have some alone time or send her out) it.

QTPie has some solid advice so I'll just say ditto.

2/11/2013 11:43:59 AM

perhaps she doesn't respect your dunking ability?

2/11/2013 12:32:39 PM

Quote :

" Shit, even 27 year old residents right out of med school make $60k-$80k. "

false. median resident salary is in the $40-$50k range, as there are small increases each year. a typical 4 year residency is in the $50k median range.

places like NYC are going to be higher to help account for cost of living, but most residents would salivate at the thought of $60-$80k.

[Edited on February 11, 2013 at 1:37 PM. Reason : .]

2/11/2013 1:30:06 PM

^^^ At this point, they are gonna leave in March.
Right before I wrote this post, the MIL turned to psycho mode again at lunch time. I went upstairs to take care of Emilia, and FIL made her back to normal.

They are overstaying for sure. They just go nowhere, stay at home all the time, have no interest about anything.

They influence our emotion too. We haven't had sex since the delivery.

I have talked about the potential PPD possibility with a breastfeeding specialist. Now she has a day off every week from work.



[Edited on February 11, 2013 at 1:39 PM. Reason : add another note]

2/11/2013 1:35:50 PM

Since my wife went to work, I've been like a househusband for two years. I do everything, cooking, repairing, soothing baby, shopping, washing, etc.

She looks like she doesn't want to solve the problem of her mother, although she knows her mother has psycho issue. Obviously her mother gives her a lot of pressure.

^^^ She should, of course.

I'm also worried about my personal safety at night, as the MIL may break into our room and try to kill me.



[Edited on February 11, 2013 at 2:41 PM. Reason : add another note]

2/11/2013 2:37:55 PM

^ happy new year

2/11/2013 2:41:06 PM

Your legs are so sexy. I like them.

[Edited on February 11, 2013 at 2:43 PM. Reason : ;]

2/11/2013 2:43:34 PM

wtf

she is clearly blonde. but no one pays attention to that

2/11/2013 2:46:13 PM

hahaha, complain about baby and inlaws and then try and spit e-game at acraw. This guy is either the best troll ever, or he needs to be deported

2/11/2013 3:03:32 PM