Here are some reflections on my life:

Preface
I would like to begin by saying that I completely apologize for not getting in touch with anybody since Monday and moreso for leaving the vague and openly-interpreted one word message as my Facebook status. After two to three days of inactivity, I can barely imagine the emotional rollercoaster that everyone has been through. It was never my intention to leave so many people in the dark. From the outset, I just wanted to go to the hospital and go into more detail after I got out in the next day or so. However, my cell phone was immediately confiscated as per hospital policy and the only phone I could use was local numbers only and there is not Facebook on the Funny Farm. Rest assured, I will be contacting everybody over the next week to catch everyone up. I also realize there will be a lot of yelling and raw emotion during this time. It's what I need and I more than welcome it.

Second, I am okay. At least for now, as is the trend of my life. As hellish as this week has been for all of you, it has been pretty scary for me. I thought I would never be able to contact anybody. The people that end up in institutions...the ones that really need it are just what you'd expect. Disturbed souls that long for a quick end to their simple chemical suffering. They have absolutely no semblance of or capacity to understanding reality and when they fall off the deep end...your choices are limited. Do you become that guy that fought the schizoid? Every day, I cried for some sense of normalcy, for someone to slip through the cracks. I clamored for my liberation from the mental institution as well as my own mental prison.

Finally, I would like to say that now is the time that I need friends and familly the most. In the past, reaching out to friends has been...difficult at best. I really hate to rely on the kindness of other people, because I have a tendency to overstay my welcome or to overuse their resources. Also, I typically wait until it is too late to help me. This is the make or break time for a lot of friendships, which already have more burden than most friendships can or should handle. As a result of my inexcusable and unjustifiable actions, I have already lost one really good contact. I cannot afford to burn anymore bridges and I more than appreciate the people who are still able to talk to me on a consistent in the aftermath.

Background For To Benefit Your Understanding
To fully explain the situation, I have to go back to last year, when I found myself in Pittsburgh, which itself requires explaining. At the end of April 2009, I found myself nearly homeless (for the second time at that). My friend was getting married and offered me a place to stay for the month before he got married. A month turned into four months and I moved in with another family I knew from Boy Scouts. I lasted four months with them before I started feeling really awkward about the whole situation and went back to North Carolina to move back in with my dad. That lasted about six weeks and I was sent to live in Iowa with my aunt. We had fun for three months, but she needed her own space, so I decided to see how long I would last in Vegas. After two days, I caught a bus to Raleigh to give myself time to make my next move.

Remembering an offer I had from another friend, I gave him a call to see if it still stood, safely assuming it did. I found myself in Steel City, fulfilling a childhood dream of living with my best friend and playing video games all day. I quickly found the first joe job that came my way and then quit when I found a better joe job. The years of environmental instability and dissatisfying jobs had been taking their toll for a while. I thought I would never be able to have one iota of happiness again.

And along came a girl.

I originally met her at my best friend's wedding. Technically I met her the first night upon my triumphant return to Maryland which was going to lead to my best friend's wedding. There were a lot of us that first night playing Pictionary. We laughed and hugged. She said we should be soul mates. I would see her again at the wedding, we would dance in Towson, and our final visit that year occurred at my hands when I hatched a plan to get everyone together, including her for some pre-Thanksgiving pizza.

We would sporadically leave messages for each other on Facebook, but nothing that could evolve into anything, since she was a college student and I was a nomad. Something very magical happened Christmas of 2010. We found each other on Facebook Chat and started talking every night. This blossomed into a relationship and I was the happiest I had been in a long time.

All of a sudden, the suffering made sense and I was ready to tackle life with a renewed spirit.

5/21/2011 1:09:51 PM

So what the hell happened?
This is the part that's confusing to a lot of people, including myself. I was working at a new job in an office building, I was working out everyday. Underneath the visage, however, I was tormented by thoughts of worthlessness and shame and the unrelenting opinion that my girlfriend would cheat on me on her upcoming cruise. My roommate was out of work and consistently borrowing money from me and even though it was a better job, I was more and more miserable due to the sedentary lifestyle.

The long distance began to take its toll on my new found love and I felt like I was basically throwing money away every day I came home and found my roommate doing nothing but playing video games. Weekends that weren't with my girlfriend became a dull experience. There's not much to do in Pittsburgh and when you don't have a car, it severely limits your options. There was a big disparity in the things that I wanted to do and what my new found Pittsburgh peeps wanted. I always have a desire, a need to be creative and active on the weekends and those opportunities left me a long time ago, back in Raleigh. The lack of a creative outlet was bound to manifest itself in negative ways.

My girlfriend and I broke up. My roommate continued to sustain himself on video games and Cherry Diet Dr. Pepper. My home life started to seep into my work life. My lack of an artistic outlet started festering emotions that I was not at all prepared to handle. All of a sudden, things weren't so happy anymore. The two people I had come to confide in the most I found myself unable to rely on. I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.

I continued on in the hope that things would get better. They didn't. My plans were simple. One particularly lonesome Thursday night where nobody talked to me or called me, I once more decided to flirt with Death.

Two days later, I went to the local psych ward whereupon I complained I had chest pains and crazy. They sent me to the ER and to an institution where I couldn't contact anybody. It was perhaps one of the scariest times of my life, even more scary than being homeless. If you have the means, I highly recommend avoiding it.

The Girl(s)
I want to say that this was not about my most recent paramour. I want to say that. I would be lying to you, slightly. In the short time that I have been dating girls, I have come to find that ladies come and go all the time and it is of the utmost importance not to get hung up on any particular one. What we had was brief, but special and lasted far longer than it should have for two people who are afraid of commitment, require constant physical attention and are known for self-sabotage. What killed us in the end were two false moves that neither of us expected from the other. We very maturely kept in touch after the relationship, but after a while, everytime I talked to her, it became a maddening cycle where she would talk to me and I would immediately have a flood gate of memories open up about what I had lost and why I had lost it and the lingering feeling that I would never have it again. And yet...I still love her. Sad. I mean, I'll move on eventually. I'm just in the fifteen minute period where I'm inconsolable.

My second girlfriend was the projectionist, transference, lightning rod of hate for my first ex. Everything I hated about myself and everything hated about the first girlfriend passed right onto her. I treated her miserably. I vowed never to disrespect women ever again (which didn't pan out in the third relationship, but whatever). In spite of all of my anger and hatred and loathing, my longest relationship was with her. And this girl was crazy about me. She probably loved me the most out of all of my girlfriends. She was a photographer who didn't like her picture taken and she had really awesome parents. I'm not sure how they felt about me, but they always fed me and gave me exorbitant amounts of milk to drink, so I must have done something right. Had my life not been in such a dark spot, we probably would have lasted a lot longer. Had my life not been in such a dark spot, we may have never met.

And finally, my first girlfriend. I met her in our chorus class. She had done some improv in high school and when she found time away from theatre, I was able to get involved in North Carolina State's improv scene. Our relationship started after a deep revealing talk over AIM (when people still used AIM) and we became really close really fast. She became a pivotal part of my life when I took a semester off to pursue a fledgling business opportunity that didn't pan out. I had fun. We lived in her dorm together, which was great, since her roommate was constantly seeing her own boyfriend. It got hard over the summer when she moved back with her folks. I made it work, because I knew I could. It wasn't to last though as we broke up when I finally came clean about the failed business that has cost me my financial future. However, I came clean about it to her father instead of her. This led to accusations that I wanted money from her family and that I was never going to amount to anything. It was a terrible way to end, especially considering school was about to start back up.

On Creativity
The loss of my first girlfriend hit hard in two ways. She was my first love and therefore, she seemed to be my only love. I thoroughly convinced myself of this when I ran the numbers and the reason why I'm single for so long in between relationships is probably because I run the numbers. The second blow was a result of our mutual love for the college improv comedy club in which we had become quite involved. We tried to get along and stay out of each other's way, but I being the immature, manipulative person I was back then, did everything I could to poke subtle jabs as recompense for our break-up.

So I lost my college improv club, no big deal, right? I mean, I still had the local stand-up and improv clubs as well as my love of singing. Eventually my piss poor, woe-is-me pity party led to a mental breakdown and my first attempt at my life. When I came to, I found myself homeless and alone. My friends did all they could to help me, but somehow it just wasn't enough.

So what? Anyone can sing anywhere, right? You could practice in the shower. You still have that going for you. You'd think that. However, one of my fatal flaws is that I have to do things perfectly otherwise I won't do them at all. And that's why I don't sing anymore.

The only thing I have going for me is my allegedly powerful writing style. The only thing that keeps me from writing knowing that anyone at any time can steal your material and that I'm not making any money. Incentives can be very powerful in our free market economy.

College Material
Ever since my expulsion from North Carolina State University, people have urged me to get back in and finish my education. My friends and family have said this to me as if I've forgotten how to make good decisions and as if their words would somehow magically fix all the problems that are keeping me from going back to school.

I am currently unable to attend school for two reasons. One: the school has a hold on my records until I pay them back for a semester that didn't happend. And two: the school has a hold on my records until I get a psychiatric evaluation saying that I have my emotions under control and I will no longer try to shuffle myself loose the mortal coil. It's extremely difficult to pay back copious amounts of cash to a college when you need college to get a job to earn copious amounts of cash. It is even more difficult to get mental help when you don't have insurance.

For four years I have been trying to get my life back together to no avail. Something external always happens to destroy whatever little progress I've been able to muster, which I don't respond to well at all. When your life is shattered like an eggshell, it's very hard to repair. It's not impossible, but very improbable. And I'm at my wits end trying to figure out how to do it alone.

Aftermath
I'm now essentially in the same place I was four years ago, when similar events led to similar outcomes. Once again, I'm at a crossroads unsure of what my next move will be or where I'll even end up. I know where I want to be. I want to be in North Carolina, soaking up southern sun rays, sipping on Cheerwine and making midnight runs to Cookout. I want to be entertaining the masses, helping people escape their problems by talking about my own. And I want to make the ladies swoon with the sweet sound of my sultry voice.

I don't know how to move on with my life. There needs to be some underlying current of stability. Some days, I feel my life would be best solved via the vehicles of reality tv and/or daytime television ala Dr. Phil and/or whoever replaces Oprah. Things will get better. They have to. I'll work for them. If it's one thing my friends, familes, and girlfriends can attest to, it's that I'm a hard worker. And life goes on.

5/21/2011 1:10:18 PM

what?

5/21/2011 1:15:20 PM

It'll get better man.

Go for a jog.

5/21/2011 1:16:23 PM

you need perspective to appreciate life

5/21/2011 1:18:27 PM

I'm starting to wonder if the answer to all of life's problems is that you need to be real fucking boring.

Try that, try being boring for a while.

Like just get a job, be responsible, and read books and write in your spare time or whatever it is you want to do creatively.

5/21/2011 1:22:11 PM

the post screams SPD to me, I think you should continue counseling

5/21/2011 1:23:34 PM

I think counseling might be for the rich...

How do you get "counseling" if you have no money?

5/21/2011 1:24:37 PM

I'm not kidding about "go for a jog" bit.

The best answer to depressive tendencies is exercise.

5/21/2011 1:27:36 PM

^^Nope. You can get free or near-free counseling and psychiatric care through Human Services. Their fees are based on a sliding scale.

And yes, exercise and routine is very helpful for the clinically depressed.

[Edited on May 21, 2011 at 1:30 PM. Reason : carrats!]

5/21/2011 1:29:15 PM

Well, there you have it.

5/21/2011 1:30:08 PM

lol, routine

I think that's the "boring" part I was talking about.

5/21/2011 1:30:42 PM

you might want to get a new tag to post under...

5/21/2011 1:31:30 PM

Quote :

"So what? Anyone can sing anywhere, right? You could practice in the shower. You still have that going for you. You'd think that. However, one of my fatal flaws is that I have to do things perfectly otherwise I won't do them at all. And that's why I don't sing anymore. "

Try to learn to appreciate your imperfections; they can give you goals for motivation and something to work on. Aside from define what perfect means, it's almost always unattainable; I can't even make and eat a perfect bowl of cereal, but I keep trying.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through another rough patch, though. I like Nick's suggestions to get some exercise and be boring for a while until you can get your life back together.

5/21/2011 1:55:56 PM

i think telling someone with schizoid tendencies to retreat into themselves is bad advice, i think this guy should go get some counseling and get on a regular counseling schedule.

5/21/2011 2:20:36 PM

undoubtedly, but they will tell him basically the same thing as far as a life routine is concerned

only with the most straight laced anxiety driven people do they tell to "enjoy life"

the rest of us need to buckle down and get our shit together

5/21/2011 2:32:44 PM

tl;dr

5/21/2011 3:09:50 PM

Please summarize. That's WORDS.

5/21/2011 4:30:53 PM

Quote :

"The best answer to depressive tendencies is exercise."

Seriously, this advice shouldn't be taken lightly. Towards the end of high-school and into early college, I was diagnosed with clinical anxiety disorder and acute paranoia due to a lot of outside stresses combined without previously existent personal issues which manifested in extreme anxiety and pronounced irrational fears. I had treatment for it, but hardly anything medicinal. What helped me the most was exercising. I clearly wasn't living a healthy lifestyle and I never got the right amount of exercise. Spending my abundant free time with rigorous exercise helped me sleep better at night, feel better during the day, and helped my mood skyrocket. And when I was upset or depressed or anxious, I'd just run for a good long time. Nothing helped like that did.

...also having a lot of sex helped.

5/21/2011 4:53:50 PM

WebMD agrees

Quote :

"Improved self-esteem is a key psychological benefit of regular physical activity. When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine. For example, the feeling that follows a run or workout is often described as "euphoric." That feeling, known as a "runner's high," can be accompanied by a positive and energizing outlook on life. Endorphins act as analgesics, which means they diminish the perception of pain. They also act as sedatives. They are manufactured in your brain, spinal cord, and many other parts of your body and are released in response to brain chemicals called neurotransmitters. The neuron receptors endorphins bind to are the same ones that bind some pain medicines. However, unlike with morphine, the activation of these receptors by the body's endorphins does not lead to addiction or dependence."

http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/exercise-depression

5/21/2011 4:58:33 PM

Quote :

" The only thing I have going for me is my allegedly powerful writing style. The only thing that keeps me from writing knowing that anyone at any time can steal your material and that I'm not making any money. Incentives can be very powerful in our free market economy."

Before i read this passage, I wanted to comment that i rather enjoyed your writing style. I was going to encourage you to explore it.

I wish you luck, I guess I didn't really see the why you were institutionalized, from the additional prose outside of the introductory stanzas. But, I wish you luck.

5/21/2011 4:58:44 PM

Quote :

"And when I was upset or depressed or anxious, I'd just run for a good long time"

i do that now!

i have a plethora of anxiety meds.
but long distance running.....love love love


(don't get me wrong though, there are times when running doesnt do the trick....bring on the clonazepam/ gabapentin!)

but anyway, i sure do hope you get things figured out boo

[Edited on May 21, 2011 at 5:01 PM. Reason : i dont take alprazolam anymore ]

5/21/2011 4:59:58 PM

You gotta believe in yourself, man. And I know that is easier said than done, but if you don't believe in yourself, then why should anyone else? Give yourself pep talks about how awesome you are and why. Eventually, you will start to believe it. Also, volunteering can help boost your self-worth and surround you with good people. Make jokes around anyone and everyone. You don't need a stage to be funny. Making others laugh always brightens my day. You can't change past mistakes, so don't dwell just learn from them. You now have a manual of what not to do, so learn from it and start your second book. Luckily for you, you're still alive and have an opportunity to make a wonderful life for yourself. Start completely over of you have to, just do something that feels right. And pm me if you want. I know how lonely it can be.

5/21/2011 5:20:04 PM

I feel for you man. A relative of mine found themselves thrown into the psych ward about a year ago. I don't remember the ins and outs of how they ended up there, but they were there for three days with no one knowing what happened to them. My family was freaking out. What really sucks is in the end they didn't really get the help they needed, they're still pretty messed up emotionally, and now they have a giant medical bill to accompany all their other woes

5/21/2011 5:49:15 PM

was this a voluntary commitment

5/21/2011 6:20:03 PM

yo homes to bel air

5/21/2011 6:24:37 PM

I can't believe I read all of that. Good luck dude.

5/21/2011 8:22:01 PM

stop pitying yourself and try to better yourself physically and mentally. Work out, read books, join clubs... etc.

5/21/2011 8:47:08 PM

You can do it. One day at a time. You just have to keep the voices at bay that tell you otherwise, we all have them. No one talks about it, but plenty of people get committed and bounce back completely. You can too. Focus on the positive, get a little money in your pocket and you'll be surprised how much better the world looks. It looks like you've learned your lessons from all this, lessons many people never learn, so now stop dwelling on it and move on.

5/21/2011 9:15:31 PM

i still really don't think this is just depression, so much of this post mirrors my schizophrenic brother-in law. i don't know if thats what this is, but i certainly see some tendencies. you need regular, scheduled counseling sessions and you really may benefit from some medication.

i understand that your post here is you venting and asking your friends for help or to keep an eye on you, but i really hope that you go to get help.

5/21/2011 9:29:52 PM

schizophrenia not just "some thing" man

you know crazy "crazy" people are schizophrenic... this guy, Spontaneous just seems lost

and I mean, who isn't in their own way

but you need to chill it with the "schizo" stuff, because you're talking a bunch of nonsense

5/21/2011 10:27:53 PM

no, there are multiple disorders that contain schizoid tendencies that are not schizophrenia and most of them also involve depression.


my point is that you all keep telling him to exercise and shit that works for depression, and thats not good advice. like i said i've been through this with a family member and don't think you all are giving him good advice. he should really go talk to someone qualified.

5/21/2011 10:45:03 PM

and like I said 1000 posts above, you're probably right, he should talk to someone

but what he should do, no matter what else he chooses to do, is the advice we've all given him

what else do you want?

5/21/2011 10:53:52 PM

you mean when you said counseling was for the rich and tried to dismiss it?

the only good advice in this thread has been to seek counseling

5/21/2011 10:57:12 PM

http://psychcentral.com/news/2010/05/12/regular-exercise-still-important-in-schizophrenia/13768.html

here, just in case he has a problem with schizophrenia, which I don't really think is the case

honestly, I get the sense that you're just kind of being a prick

really, I got that from the very first post you made

5/21/2011 10:59:26 PM

its good advice in the sense that telling him to eat plenty of carrots and broccoli with dinner is good advice or that looking both ways before crossing the street is good advice, yes i agree with you and the article you posted in that regard

5/21/2011 11:01:58 PM

now who's being dismissive?

5/21/2011 11:02:37 PM

I still use AIM.

5/21/2011 11:35:53 PM

Everyone is a little crazy. The only difference between the psych ward nuts and the common person is investing the trust in predatory caretakers to substantiate the title and make you a pariah for life doomed to a catch 22 of financial and emotional failure.

Just remember to trust no one, make yourself the best that you can be, and remember how blessed you are each day. Work out, pray, eat right, and move forward. I am sure you'll make it. And there is no perfect girl, perfect family member, perfect job, or perfect life out there. No one can solve your own insecurities but yourself. You'll figure it out.

But then again, this is internet advice. I assume no liabilities for any subsequent failures you may experience.

5/22/2011 12:46:19 AM

Good luck dude, hope you figure things out. Christine had gone through some wards/hospitalizations in her day and they worked in the long run. She would say they didn't really help much at the time other than forcing her to physically stop doing some of the things she was doing, but looking back once she had grown up and matured, she was glad for the good ones. She did share plenty of horror stories though, so hopefully your stay wasn't a disaster. And you'll come out of it for the better


I do think the advice in the thread (find someone to talk to, exercise, etc) pretty much sums it up. But all of those are just tools to help you view yourself and your life. You gotta believe in yourself, through the good or bad. Whatever happens, tomorrow is another day and you can make the best of it. Its not always easy, but you can do what you set your mind do, so long as you work towards it. You can't change what happened, only learn from it and move on.

Quote :

"I'm starting to wonder if the answer to all of life's problems is that you need to be real fucking boring."

Being someone who always was the boring one, it sucks. You gotta walk a balance. Don't be the drama queen or total fuck up, but don't be the boring party pooper either.

5/22/2011 1:04:04 AM

5/22/2011 8:03:49 AM

5/22/2011 10:01:11 AM

First person to ever not be able to hold down a job or a girl. News at 11.

5/22/2011 10:01:36 AM

The OP was checked into a mental institution, and some of you are suggesting exercise. Talk about trying to convince someone to run away from their problems...

5/22/2011 1:33:51 PM

^You are an idiot.

5/22/2011 2:11:03 PM

Time to stop acting like the world is out to get you and start taking the appropriate steps to better yourself.

Also, when you place your only form of happiness in being with a woman, you are sure to live a very very depressing life.

5/22/2011 2:28:30 PM

yes, someone with a mental disorder that often includes paranoia should just stop thinking that people are out to get them. its that simple. maybe he should just cheer up too.

5/22/2011 3:00:13 PM

^that's a typical reaction from someone who has never experienced issues like these personally or in their family (generally)

it's not as black and white as ^^ would like to think.

5/22/2011 3:05:11 PM

The OP needs structured, medical help and probably needs to be medicated. This bullshit advice to cheer up and go for a run nonsense is the dumbest shit I've ever read. It's not normal to react to life's stresses this way.

[Edited on May 22, 2011 at 3:15 PM. Reason : morons ITT]

5/22/2011 3:13:45 PM

i need cliffs notes for the wall of text up top

5/22/2011 3:15:24 PM