Alright TWW, words:
My brother has been diagnosed with depression over a year ago. He does not take his medication. I moved into an apartment with him at the beginning of the year and he's had a few "experiences" where he looks possessed and theres absolutely nothing that can be done with him. He went to UNC got his undergrad and grad in ACC so he thinks hes hot shit. He's had enough drinking tickets and 2 DUI's to where im his personal chauffer now. He's on his last strike, but he has a great job and takes care of most of the rent in a great place. I do everything I can as a little brother to take care of him, but there are some nights where he is unstoppable. We'll be at a bar(not my recommendation, he will go by himself) and he makes a complete ass out of himself and I'm left "defending him and it really gets old after a while. Hes stupid enough not to have one, but 2 DUI's and still hasnt learned from his mistakes. He has no friends and if I bring friends over he rubs them the wrong way because he thinks with his masters he is entitled to a higher opinion, but I can't give up on him. Just wondering if anyone has gone through this and wants to share what they have done. Thanks guys and gals

5/11/2009 2:27:26 AM

Quote :

"He went to UNC got his undergrad and grad in ACC so he thinks hes hot shit"

problem found. i swear they teach everyone at UNC that they are supposed to think they are above everyone else. A good portion of the friends I had that went to carolina changed over 4 years to become arrogant pricks. best of luck with it

5/11/2009 3:08:07 AM

i definitely agree with you he has changed,the only memories he has was when he was a big drinker in high school (which he still lives through) im not trying to be biased towards UNC-CH but he thinks the world is owed to him. It disgusts me when we meet people at the bar and he constantly brags about his degree and puts me down for goin to state and the people we're talking to dont really care. I'm constantly looking out for him (out of fights) and he tries to throwme under the bus, shit gets old but i usually let him embarrass himself enough to where they are thinking wtf, main point being, how do you get the guy to stop and be humble.

5/11/2009 4:01:50 AM

doesn't sound like he has depression

sounds like he's just a fucking asshole

5/11/2009 5:30:34 AM

sociopath.

5/11/2009 7:37:12 AM

just let someone beat the everliving fuck out of him

5/11/2009 7:52:12 AM

1. UNC is one problem - many of their grads (not all, not most, etc) have this, "I'm superior" attitude; hell even UNC fans can get this attitude.

Now on to more serious issues:

2. This sounds sort of like depression, with some bipolar tendencies. I'm not a fan of psychiatry/psychiatrists because they tend to label anyone with a disease, insist they take medication/more counseling, and refuse to remove/reverse a diagnosis even though all evidence points towards that reversal. (Not saying all are like this, this is just what I've seen, heard, and experienced). HOWEVER, if things are serious enough, getting professional help is what you/your brother needs to do. But again, this only sounds sort of like CD/BPD; evan is on the right track; your brother sounds like an asshole (could be his way of dealing with it?)

3. Does he have his own vehicle? If not, quite enabling him to drive drunk, go to bars, etc. If he really wants to go drink, he can find a cabbie and pay for it.

4. Parents, guardians, etc? Where are they? Intervention time soon??

5.

Quote :

"I do everything I can as a little brother to take care of him, but there are some nights where he is unstoppable."

Show some tough love man. Move out of the apartment, stop contact for a little bit to get yourself straightened out, then talk to him. Tell him what the deal is; give him the terms; give him an ultimatum. STOP DEFENDING, UNSELFISHLY HELPING, AND ENABLING HIM.

6. Talk to LEOs/lawyers about the DUIs. See if there is more you can do to keep him from getting behind the wheel.

7. Alcohol rehab?



[Edited on May 11, 2009 at 7:57 AM. Reason : ahahaha, I said evan is on the right trick. YOUZ A HO MANG!]

5/11/2009 7:56:09 AM

Quote :

"doesn't sound like he has depression sounds like he's just a fucking asshole"

+1

5/11/2009 8:18:52 AM

It sounds like he's used to you always being there for him already. If he's not gonna appreciate you, and even go as far as to talk shit to you in front of other people to make him look good, then you should probably take a break from spending time with him. You don't want this situation to start making your life worse.

5/11/2009 8:39:11 AM

Sounds like you should just knock him on his ass. You're brothers; tough love will fix it.

5/11/2009 10:05:20 AM

Was he in a frat?

I don't ask to stereotype, but people who were in fraternities and then later no longer have the stimulus provided by large scale group interaction can fall into a sort of depression. As with most depressions it can be medicated, but with the proper type of involvement it can be resolved without medication.


If he's out drinking and making a fool of himself its likely due to him not being happy with his own life, which is why he repeatedly talks about how awesome it is and simultaneously puts you down, since its lacking the friendships and other connections he desperately seeks. By acting out he can take out this frustration on others and punish himself at the same time.

Your brother needs help. But in this situation I think help means finding activities that your brother can do that can provide some meaning to his life. Have the two of you go build homes for habitat, start doing triathlons, or any sort of hobby in the early afternoon (read: before he drinks) where he can meet people and obtain the reinforcement of his self-worth and general likeability (not a word)he seeks.

5/11/2009 10:39:05 AM

just let someone beat the everliving fuck out of him

5/11/2009 11:54:56 AM

Quote :

"doesn't sound like he has depression sounds like he's just a fucking asshole"

life doesn't give a fuck about where you went to school, how many or what level of a degree you have, it will beat you down just the same if you're a dick/asshole and don't pull it off.

he doesn't (DUI's)

Quote :

"just let someone beat the everliving fuck out of him"

[Edited on May 11, 2009 at 12:11 PM. Reason : k]

5/11/2009 12:10:24 PM

i'm going to go ahead and venture a guess he does not have a serious gf either... he's in a storm of loneliness and doesn't know how to get shelter from that storm.

as for the acting out beligerently, he's in desperate need of some tough love. i've caught a few episodes of the dog whisperer, and much to my dismay/loss of faith in humans, people are the same. he needs to be conditioned. you need to step up and be the Alpha, and intercept the bad behaviour before it materializes.

5/11/2009 12:50:16 PM

I can't stand antidepressant medication and I've never even taken the garbage.


Can't imagine how much I'd hate that shyte if I actually took it.

5/11/2009 1:31:47 PM

Quote :

"I can't stand antidepressant medication and I've never even taken the garbage. Can't imagine how much I'd hate that shyte if I actually took it."

...well if you don't take it how the fuck would you know what it's like?

5/11/2009 1:37:47 PM

Quote :

"...well if you don't take it how the fuck would you know what it's like?"

Well, why don't you simply ask me, my wondrous janitor son? Then I might be able to help you understand. :-/

This is not the time or place to discuss janitoring though my son, so we must take it to da street son. Step out da bar son. Bye son.

5/11/2009 1:48:05 PM

I took depression meds for 6 months or so a few years ago, and I understand that for some they are very helpful, but I'd rather be depressed than on that shit.

5/11/2009 2:03:42 PM

^ that is how i used to feel (well more with anxiety). i only took medicine for like 3 months because it made me feel weird and i was taking an extremely low dose so i was just like, whatev and stopped.

but now too much has gone wrong too fast in my life and i try to be rational about it, but i really honestly cannot manage my anxiety anymore plus i think i'm probably slightly depressed with that so i am thinking about going back to the doctor. i don't want to be on something for the rest of my life but i think the next year or two is going to be more than i can handle. and i'm usually not like that. i'm usually like "well i would rather feel than be numb" and i don't want to be overmedicated or have a crutch, etc but right now i'd rather not feel anything at all. so i'm pretty sure that is a sign i need to go back to the doctor

oops i guess i didn't really help the OP. can you talk to him about his behavior? it doesn't really sound like it i guess. i wish you could do like family therapy. seriously. it sounds really lame but it could maybe help.

[Edited on May 11, 2009 at 4:39 PM. Reason : .]

5/11/2009 4:38:32 PM

Quote :

"i've caught a few episodes of the dog whisperer, and much to my dismay/loss of faith in humans, people are the same. "

I've found myself thinking that a lot too, looking around at my friends and peers. It seems to me that you can fix a lot of personal problems by putting a person into a good and stable social network.

5/11/2009 4:46:56 PM

How does one go about approaching this subject with the doctor? I'd be too embarrassed to bring it up.

5/11/2009 6:16:01 PM

yeah it sounds more like there might be more going on with the alcohol than actual depression, thought it may be hard partial out one from the other....

5/11/2009 6:33:05 PM

^ i agree

^^ just don't be embarrassed. i mean it is an important subject. if you aren't comfortable with your health care provider, find someone else that you are comfortable with. just say you've been feeling stressed/sad/fill in the blank lately and want to know if it is cause for concern?

5/11/2009 6:55:53 PM

I brought it up with mine by going in, sitting down, and saying "Lately I've been having symptoms that I think are associated with depression." From there just explain the problem. It's hard to do, but I built up the courage to do it after a while. It was very worth it to do it, because now I no longer have panic attacks, breakdowns, or any of that other crap as a result of stress. I'm a good bit happier than before, if a bit, um, boring?

Sounds like your brother needs an intervention. I'd do the cut off contact, reorganize, and reapproach thing to deal with him. The time apart should give him time to think about how he was treating you and give you some time to think about what you want to say to him.

You could also get a big group of people together that he knows and confront him about the issue, but this will probably make him break down and cry like a little bitch. Might be best to just let him rot for a week or two then go back and tell him how you feel and let him know that he's been acting like a jackass and that he needs to seek help for his substance abuse.

5/11/2009 8:01:19 PM

sounds like a couple of things are going on here

he is using alcohol to treat his depression....

many alcoholics become alcoholics because the sugar rush makes them feel better.

does he also crave lots of other sweets?


he needs some tough love/intervention and needs to read the book 7 weeks to sobriety.

either that or pack his ass up and send him to the Health Recovery Center in minnesota


oh and

Quote :

" sounds like he's just a fucking asshole"

5/11/2009 8:50:18 PM

If you would like to hire me to berate and belittle him constantly I would gladly do it.

Oh and

Quote :

"diagnosed with depression over a year ago. He does not take his medication. I moved into an apartment with him"

Whoops!

5/12/2009 12:17:20 AM

crush up the medication and secretly mix it in with his food

5/12/2009 1:48:05 AM

I seriously think an ass whooping may be just the thing to bring this kid back down to earth.

5/12/2009 1:59:20 AM

He's not really going to make much progress if he's constantly using you as an emotional/social crutch. Especially when he doesn't even realize how crutchy (crutch-like?) you are being in some regards.

5/12/2009 3:12:26 AM

Been there and done that (not with a sibling). After about three years of babysitting my psychotic alcoholic middle-aged boyfriend who was taking his meds (half on, half off as it occurred to him), I learned several lessons you can apply to your brother.

1.) He's mentally ill and there's nothing you can do about it. Leave him to the pros. See #3.
2.) No longer accompany him to the bar. If you feel you can't abandon him to his own mischief, at least lay down a rule that he can call if he feels he needs a ride, but you stay away while he's drinking. Been there during the demon-possession deal, it will get violent if it hasn't already (in which case you have no sense to be staying with him now).
3.) Let him get into trouble. Let him get kicked out of bars, lose friends, drive drunk, lose his job, and other disasters that will inevitably occur when someone is mentally unstable and caught in a cycle of drinking. Eventually, he will be forced to seek help or become homeless.
4.) He is using you as a crutch. For you to remove yourself from the situation may displease whomever placed you there (I'm assuming your parents or yourself, didn't feel like reading the thread) will remove his crutch. This involves disasters, it's a necessity for him to objectively accept his problem. In the Bible (should you be using religion to get you this far), they mention a "bashing upon the rocks" of a man to get him to be enlightened somehow. Trust that God won't kill him, and that you're not the only person in the world to keep him alive (I.E.: give your brother up to God, and accept you have no control over him).

[Edited on May 12, 2009 at 6:34 AM. Reason : .]

5/12/2009 6:32:31 AM

Quote :

"Well, why don't you simply ask me, my wondrous janitor son? Then I might be able to help you understand. :-/ This is not the time or place to discuss janitoring though my son, so we must take it to da street son. Step out da bar son. Bye son."

pathetic

Quote :

"^ that is how i used to feel (well more with anxiety). i only took medicine for like 3 months because it made me feel weird and i was taking an extremely low dose so i was just like, whatev and stopped. but now too much has gone wrong too fast in my life and i try to be rational about it, but i really honestly cannot manage my anxiety anymore plus i think i'm probably slightly depressed with that so i am thinking about going back to the doctor. i don't want to be on something for the rest of my life but i think the next year or two is going to be more than i can handle. and i'm usually not like that. i'm usually like "well i would rather feel than be numb" and i don't want to be overmedicated or have a crutch, etc but right now i'd rather not feel anything at all. so i'm pretty sure that is a sign i need to go back to the doctor oops i guess i didn't really help the OP. can you talk to him about his behavior? it doesn't really sound like it i guess. i wish you could do like family therapy. seriously. it sounds really lame but it could maybe help."

obviously you are unable to deal with it completely on your own at this juncture. there is no shame in it. one man did not send apollo to the moon after all...

[Edited on May 12, 2009 at 10:04 AM. Reason : s]

5/12/2009 10:02:34 AM

Quote :

"doesn't sound like he has depression sounds like he's just a fucking asshole "

Basically exactly what I was going to post. Except I was gonna say douche bag!

5/12/2009 10:04:12 AM

He is being douche like because he is allowed to do so. Quit bailing him out/whoop dat ass and let him know he needs to get his shit straight.

5/12/2009 2:32:02 PM

Quote :

"many alcoholics become alcoholics because the sugar rush makes them feel better."

Alcoholics drinking.......



For the sugar son.

5/12/2009 2:53:35 PM

Quote :

"many alcoholics become alcoholics because the sugar rush makes them feel better"

i believe this is a medical myth.

there is no proof that ingesting a lot of sugar in a short amount of time gives you any sort of "high".

5/12/2009 3:17:07 PM

^Yeah, I've shotgunned a few Dr Peppers before. And then ate candy right after.

Nothing at all happened (besides... ya know... temporary energy rush. But I wouldn't call that a "high"), I call bullshit on that one.


For the record, I do not remember why I did these things, only that I have.

[Edited on May 13, 2009 at 12:26 AM. Reason : .]

5/13/2009 12:25:45 AM

Thank you everyone for your opinions and suggestions. I work odd hours so it's hard to get on here during primetime. I guess my only response is
1) he's not allowed to drive (like someone mentioned) he's on 4 yrs probation, but the probation officer is done now that he completed his community service
2) He has attacked me twice since last fall which has led me to absolute outrage, I'll just end up throwing him around and not actually hitting him and hitting something "worthless"
3) we live downtown (next to his work) so alcohol will always be readily available to him especially with a brewery that lets you buy beer by the 4-6 pack
4) he gets in any more trouble, he goes away for a year atleast
I've gotten him to break down and cry to me one night after he attacked me, he admitted he needed friends, so i gave him probably 5 or 6 opportunities with my friends with no alcohol involved and he still rubbed them the wrong way. One positive i can hang my hat on is he's never gotten into legal trouble when im there, i guess thats why i will not let him go anywhere alone
I sound like a bitch, that's all

5/13/2009 2:10:35 AM

Quote :

" i gave him probably 5 or 6 opportunities with my friends with no alcohol involved and he still rubbed them the wrong way."

you both sound like totally different people, so you really can't expect him to take to the same group of friends that you do. Dude needs to get out there/somewhere and make his own friends...

Though given his history I can understand why you'd be reluctant to let him do that.


First and foremost, though, the guy sounds like an alcoholic. Try to find him some help for that. Help in the form of a neutral third party who has nothing to do with you.

[Edited on May 13, 2009 at 2:16 AM. Reason : .]

5/13/2009 2:15:49 AM

i think it may be hard to try to cure the "alcoholism" without fixing the underlying problems: lonliness and depression.

he is self medicating to try to hide or run away from these feelings, and until they are gone he is going to self medicate in one form or another. on top of that, most people go to a bar for the social aspect as well, even tho it is not a place most people find healthy, lasting friendships

i think he needs to find a way to meet people that doesnt revolve around drinking. i would suggest finding a hobby that fosters interaction with others, that way he can meet others that have similar interests.

dont try to force your set of friends on him, it sounds like they are not the type of people he gets along with. let him find a way (or help him find a way) to meet people that he has something in common with.

5/13/2009 10:49:25 AM

Have you seen the show Intervention?

Get him on that.

5/13/2009 7:13:46 PM

Quote :

"there is no proof that ingesting a lot of sugar in a short amount of time gives you any sort of "high"."

sounds like the Twinkie defense

5/13/2009 7:27:30 PM

There is an article that said many alcoholics were actually addicted to the carbs in their drinks, not the alcohol itself. Once they were put on a diet correcting their carb cravings, their alcohol consumption decreased and participants became healthier.

5/13/2009 10:15:27 PM

^^hahaha

^that's different. youre talking about a craving. (unless i am reading it wrong?)

i'm saying there is no proof (scientific) that sugar makes you "hyper" (ie a zebra cake should yield the same amount of "hyperness" as say a mcdonald's snack wrap)

but im not trying to argue...its just what ive believed

im off topic.


sorry dude

5/13/2009 11:25:34 PM

im done bitchin here folks, i think most of you are all on a similar track that could possibly help him and i appreciate your advice. I think i might go with the tough love approach and see how he handles that. Once again, thanks for your opinions and thoughts, ill see you again in about 5-10 yrs. Go Canes?

5/15/2009 2:46:25 AM

Quote :

"INTER- VEN- TION"

5/15/2009 2:51:33 AM

Quote :

"ill see you again in about 5-10 yrs."

I feel used

5/15/2009 3:19:07 AM

Quote :

"He is using you as a crutch. For you to remove yourself from the situation may displease whomever placed you there (I'm assuming your parents or yourself, didn't feel like reading the thread) will remove his crutch. This involves disasters, it's a necessity for him to objectively accept his problem. In the Bible (should you be using religion to get you this far), they mention a "bashing upon the rocks" of a man to get him to be enlightened somehow. Trust that God won't kill him, and that you're not the only person in the world to keep him alive (I.E.: give your brother up to God, and accept you have no control over him). "

This.

5/15/2009 10:01:56 AM