My sister and my father are having an argument. While a lot of the time I don't agree with my sister in these situations, this is one of the times I do. Here's a very basic breakdown:

When my sister graduated from high school, she was promised she could have a graduation trip to Europe. But due to various reasons, it kept getting postponed and eventually didn't happen.

My sister wants to visit me while I'm living in Japan. She has less than a year now to do it. She asked my father if he would buy her the plane ticket to keep his promise of a graduation trip and she would pay for everything else associated.

So now my dad's saying no and kind of being a jerk about it and I know that the money isn't an issue.

How would you try to diplomatically nudge in and try to persuade him to just do it? I'm having difficulty trying to think of a way that isn't me sounding like I'm just trying to gang up on him with my sister

[/tl;dr]

6/15/2008 10:38:20 AM

Quote :

"So now my dad's saying no and kind of being a jerk about it and I know that the money isn't an issue."

What is the issue, then?

6/15/2008 10:43:53 AM

What I think the issue is is that my dad is just being stubborn. He also can be very stingy when it comes to my sister and mother but not to himself. Like, he takes trips to PA and Portland all the time to visit his family but flips out if my mom wants to take a trip to NY or CA to see her family. He actually just got back from a trip to PA and is leaving in two weeks for Portland.

Also, he takes international business trips all the time and my sister has never been out of the country. I think it's hard for him to relate to her want of coming over her and just thinks she's being a spoiled brat about "demanding" a ticket to Japan.

Since I don't know 100% of what the problem is I emailed my mom tonight just to make sure my sister wasn't throwing a bunch of BS into her email I got tonight

6/15/2008 10:51:58 AM

I'm in the same situation myself. I just let my sister and my dad go at it, it's their problem. It sounds mean, but if I interfere, it actually makes the situation 10x worse. My sister has eventually learned to cope with the fact that my dad won't do squat for her, so she does for herself on her own.

6/15/2008 10:55:37 AM

Yeah, that's pretty much the point my sister has reached too. She very rarely asks my dad for anything now. He's not paying for her college, or her rent, or anything really at this point.

Normally I don't get involved at all, but I get the sense that the way my dad decides to handle this might determine the end result of their relationship for the rest of their lives. I know that sounds dramatic but I think it's true. If he actually shafts her on this my sister is the sort of person that this would be the final straw and she would never talk to him again. And I know for all the bitching my dad does that would really break his heart.

So I kind of want to nudge him in the right direction so this doesn't become an overblown mess that screws up all future family functions lol.

6/15/2008 11:04:18 AM

If he's anything like my dad, it's like nudging a brick wall, and yes, he'll screw up all family functions. He didn't even go to my sister's wedding. I haven't given up on him and definately respect that you're still trying to make a difference.

Thing is, this might be the end-all-be-all of their relationship (whether he follows up on his promise for her to go to Japan), or it might not. It might be the next big hurdle down the road. Or the next. There's a lot of ways to make or break relationships, and they won't happen as planned or predicted. She might be putting a lot of weight on this one deal because it's important to her, but something else will be important in the future involving her dad, that's all I'm saying.

Sounds like all those years of choosing favorites has made both your dad and the two of you a bit touchy, that's what happened to us anyway. My sister will damn near throw a fit if my dad and I go shopping and forget to get her beer (one time out of like 50).

And people wonder why I had a middle-aged boyfriend for 5 years, and she married one.

[Edited on June 15, 2008 at 11:16 AM. Reason : .]

6/15/2008 11:13:39 AM

That's the funny part, it's not even a me against her sort of thing. It's her against our cousins on his side of the family. In my sister's eyes, he gives them a lot more consideration than he gives her. I found out the other week that he for some crazy ass reason co-signed a loan for my drug addict cousin but then he won't do this plane ticket thing. I can kind of see where she gets the idea from

6/15/2008 11:18:11 AM

At least your situation isn't where your sister will view you with resentment when you talk to her - I can't talk to Vanessa about giving up her grudge because she'll see me as the one that got the better end of the stick, without an ounce of remorse or sympathy, lol.

That's the strangest thing, I wonder what makes a man care more about his nieces/nephews more than his own kids? All I can think of is the Christmas we went to visit our aunt and cousins, and after Vanessa and I got done ripping through our presents, our cousins kept going and going... they got at least three times what we got from their mom...

6/15/2008 11:25:11 AM

be the awesome brother and tell your dad you will pay for half of it if he pays for the other.

6/15/2008 11:37:25 AM

Quote :

"be the awesome brother sister "

6/15/2008 11:38:11 AM

^^ heh I would but my ass is broke for the next couple of months

6/15/2008 11:39:50 AM

sounds like your dad is a dick.

6/15/2008 5:52:27 PM

Quote :

"When my sister graduated from high school, she was promised she could have a graduation trip to Europe."

Here in lies the problem. She shouldn't have been promised that trip to begin with. If you ask me, HS students shouldn't get money to travel to other countries by their parents (unless travelling as a family, or for higher education abroad), and there is no way in hell I would do that for my kids.

Want to travel for pleasure? Make your own money and travel as much you want.

NOTE: Please don't be offended by my post, as it wasn't meant to be personal or offensive... you are one of the sanest/coolest/most mature posters, and I don't want you flipping out on me.

6/15/2008 6:26:27 PM

the fact is that he DID promise that though..

6/15/2008 6:37:22 PM

Last time i checked, Japan isn't in europe. Maybe he doesn't think she is ready to be on her own in a foreign country. Maybe he is just trying to protect her. If you're going to do it explain to him that you will take care of her. Just don't do it today.

6/15/2008 6:46:00 PM

Japan is further than Europe and ticket prices are up.

6/15/2008 6:46:38 PM

I imagine it is hard to be unbiased here because you have something to gain from your sister winning the argumant and nothing to gain if your dad wins, so obviously you are going to side with her.

I imagine your dad has some reason that he is either telling you and you are not sharing or perhaps even one that you do not know. Maybe your sister is immature and he doesn't feel she should be traveling thousands of miles away from home and overseas. Maybe he didn't actually promise her and she (and you) just interpreted something he said as a promise. Maybe he intends on surprising her with another trip. Maybe he is having financial issues that you don't know about. Maybe he has come to his senses and realizes an 18 year old kid has no business in Japan. Who knows, he's the dad, and it's his money.

6/15/2008 6:52:04 PM

sounds like your dad is a dick.

also: farther/further

6/15/2008 8:23:21 PM

^I need a refresher on proper usage. I am actually welcoming a Grammar Nazi attack in this case.

6/15/2008 9:30:01 PM

Quote :

"Here in lies the problem. She shouldn't have been promised that trip to begin with."

I agree with you completely. That was his first mistake, so now she's going to feel slighted until something happens. A promise is a promise and while I understand him not jumping on the chance to buy her a $1000 plane ticket somewhere, in the end this is going to cost a fraction of what that trip to Europe would have since she only wants a ticket and nothing else to finance the trip.

Quote :

"sounds like your dad is a dick."

He can be sometimes

Quote :

"Japan is further than Europe and ticket prices are up."

Yes but the Euro blows ass as far as exchange rates go. And this would be just a plane ticket instead of ticket, hostels, spending money, etc that the Europe trip would have been, so it's not even a fair comparison in cost of the two trips.

Quote :

"I imagine it is hard to be unbiased here because you have something to gain from your sister winning the argumant and nothing to gain if your dad wins, so obviously you are going to side with her."

Heh, actually my sister can be a real pain and we don't get along all that much. I think that once I do talk to my dad about all this he'll be surprised that I'm even sticking up for her since I generally agree with him on whatever my sister is going on about.

Quote :

"Maybe he didn't actually promise her and she (and you) just interpreted something he said as a promise. Maybe he intends on surprising her with another trip. Maybe he is having financial issues that you don't know about. Maybe he has come to his senses and realizes an 18 year old kid has no business in Japan."

He did promise it because he said it in front of everyone during her graduation dinner. Knowing my dad, he definitely doesn't have another trip planned for her He definitely isn't having financial issues which I know for various reasons. And she's 21, not 18

6/15/2008 10:06:14 PM

i didn't read this thread, but if anyone is bitching and moaning about how their parent(s) aren't paying for them to traipse about the planet, you can fork yourselves

get a job, save the money, and go by yourself, you whiny kids

that said, i've been to 2 other continents on the tax-payers dime, which was awesome

6/16/2008 12:07:02 PM

japan isn't europe. why not pay for it herself/yourself? promises/handouts aren't always negotiable.

that being said, hope she joins you, enjoy japan.

6/16/2008 12:45:23 PM

sounds like your dad is a JEW. anyway since you are apparently working why don't you give the ticket to japan to your sister as like a graduation gift.

6/16/2008 12:52:29 PM

When did graduating high school become such an accomplishment that it earned someone a european trip?

6/16/2008 1:14:29 PM

Your dad's a douche bag. Not because he won't get your sister some stupid ticket to Japan--parents lie and change their minds and act like assholes all the time.

You said your father takes lots of trips for himself but then "freaks out" when your mother wants to visit her family...

There's no diplomatic way to approach a piece of shit like that.

6/16/2008 8:37:45 PM

^^agreed

6/16/2008 8:41:49 PM

^^ Yeah, that's what makes me angry about it too. It would be one thing if he was never going on trips. He's just stingy with money when it comes to other people, but when it comes to himself money is no issue.

I would buy her a ticket but my job doesn't pay that much Sadly she probably would make enough money to buy it herself but all of her money has to go to rent/tuition/etc.

6/16/2008 8:46:49 PM