so my wife and i are hanging out with a married couple friends of ours last night and the guy says to us (while standing next to his wife) "i don't give a shit about being a good husband or father anymore." i feel really bad for the wife cus she's a really sweet girl and they have 2 little kids. the wife has had two emotional breakdowns and been hospitalized over the last 6 months. the guy is totally selfish, quit his walmart job and made his wife get a job so he could goof off and fail some classes, demeans his wife all the time, spends money that they don't have, and paints D&D figures and plays video games all day long.

i want to talk to the guy and encourage him to be more responsible, but you can't talk to somebody who just doesn't care. what do you do in a situation like that?

12/20/2006 12:07:26 PM

tell the wife to divorce his ass and start getting alimony. how the fuck are these people "friends" anyway?

12/20/2006 12:12:07 PM

just cus they have problems they can't be our friends? I don't see what that has to do with anything.

they almost did get divorced a few months ago. i don't know why they didn't, but since they didn't i'd like to help them rather than give up on them

[Edited on December 20, 2006 at 12:15 PM. Reason : .]

12/20/2006 12:15:03 PM

You need to encourage her to get a divorce and work on her self-esteem.

12/20/2006 12:15:20 PM

As much I am anti-divorce, this guy sounds like a toolbag. Only thing that could be worse was him beating her, but I'd she's getting "abused" in other senses already.

I'd get her some counciling and figure out a way out before he drags her down into that "not caring" mindset.

12/20/2006 12:17:16 PM

fuck divorce, she needs to cut the brake lines in his car.

12/20/2006 12:17:40 PM

what did she see in him in the first place.

12/20/2006 12:23:49 PM

props to you for not giving up on them. People tend to take the easy way out... which is why the divorce rate is so high.

As for how to help.. I really don't know. If the guy doesn't want to be helped, it may be near impossible. If you're close enough friends to this guy, it may be easier, him stating that he doesn't give a shit could be a way of saying that something ain't right... maybe he's clinically depressed or has some other psychological problems.

12/20/2006 12:24:20 PM

How old are they? How old are the kids?
It might be that he is just a POS of a human being, but it might be something else as well. The thought of the responsibility of providing for other people being on his shoulders may have gotten to him and he might be scared out of his mind (although I would think this would happen earlier). His solution to the problem might be to let someone else (his wife) worry about that problem. He def needs help but I doubt you'll have much luck getting him to go to anything. I would think if you could get him around some guys that are around his age or older with some kids and have him hang out with them, then maybe he'll come to his senses. He'll see that everything can work out just fine. When I first became a dad there would be times when I got scared and certain thoughts would cross my mind, but everytime they would, I would try to look at myself through my son's eyes and think, "how would he look/think at/of me."

12/20/2006 12:27:26 PM

Quote :

"maybe he's clinically depressed or has some other psychological problems."

he does have ADHD

^ they are 21/22, have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. i'm hoping he is just young and immature and that's why he has been such a jerk, and that's the main reason why I hope that maybe I can help him grow up a bit.

Quote :

"get him around some guys that are around his age or older with some kids and have him hang out with them"

i met the guy cus he and his wife are in a group for young married couples at our church, so he's def around some more mature guys (plus the leader of the group is like 50) for guidance/role model. He just isn't taking to it yet.

[Edited on December 20, 2006 at 12:31 PM. Reason : .]

12/20/2006 12:28:11 PM

^^^Divorce is a better option than a wife having multiple emotional breakdowns and a husband who doesnt give a shit about his wife or kids.

Quote :

"just cus they have problems they can't be our friends? I don't see what that has to do with anything."

I just don't see how you could be friends with someone who treats anyone that badly, much less his own wife. Maybe that's just me, but friends are people I trust and treat with respect and expect the same in return.

But I could see how this dude might just be overwhelmed and not know what to do. Definitely talk to him and see if you can get some sense knocked into him. If he still doesn't budge, might be time to call in his/her families and see if they can do anything to help both of them.

Marriage counseling is another good choice if you could get both of them to agree to going

[Edited on December 20, 2006 at 12:32 PM. Reason : .]

12/20/2006 12:31:19 PM

Tell him he needs to shape up if he doesn't want to end up lonely and poor.

12/20/2006 12:31:26 PM

Quote :

"You need to encourage her to get a divorce and work on her self-esteem"

yes it's the easy way out, but i work in a law firm that deals strictly with family law (custody, divorce, prenups, etc) and i think divorce is a good thing in this situation for the children's sake. he's making it a bad environment for them. i'm sure a judge would side with her as the sole-caretaker and force him to get a job and help her support the kids, because i'm sure its not easy being a single parent and having to work (it sounds like she almost is the single parent now if all he does now is play video games.

don't take that as legal advice, i'm not an attorney, just an assistant.

12/20/2006 12:39:41 PM

Tell him you will kick his ass if he doesnt straighten up.

12/20/2006 12:40:47 PM

Since it doesn't seem like he is working, I might try and find him a "fun" job as well. Since I don't know their financial arrangement this might not be an option. But try to find him a job that does something he likes. It might only pay $6-$7/hr but it might help him take his mind off things and he'll get a little money as well (since it looks like he isn't bringing in any money right now anyways).

I dunno, since I don't know them I'm just grasping at straws here.

12/20/2006 12:41:02 PM

I know this is the lounge and all, but you need to bed his wife, preferably with the help of your wife.

12/20/2006 12:42:12 PM

Quote :

"Divorce is a better option than a wife having multiple emotional breakdowns and a husband who doesnt give a shit about his wife or kids."

I don't think the information in this thread is enough for anyone, even a professional, to make that call.

Maybe it is the best solution... but a bunch of people on the internet can't reasonably conclude that based on very limited information.

12/20/2006 12:42:41 PM

sounds like they were pretty much doomed from the start

12/20/2006 12:45:09 PM

^^I agree, I'm just playing devil's advocate to your position.

12/20/2006 12:54:24 PM

two kids by 21/22... nowadays, they're askin for a hard life. there isn't much that ticks me off more than a deadbeat other than telling him like it is, there isn't much you can do legally other than just help his poor wife. there's no excuse to do that kind of crap to your wife and kids.

12/20/2006 12:59:11 PM

I agree that 2 kids at that age can be tough. However I now have two kids and I'm 23 and I'm loving it. I figure that if we have all of our kids by the time we are 25-26, then they'll be out of the house by the time I'm 43-45

12/20/2006 1:34:02 PM

just curious...

if you can't wait to get them out of the house, why have them at all?

12/20/2006 1:38:09 PM

that's not unusual. people want to have the child-rearing experience but still be young enough to enjoy life when they are done

12/20/2006 1:41:58 PM

exactly, I don't want to be in my 50's and still raising kids. Theres nothing wrong with it, I just don't want to do it. I'd rather have them early to enjoy more of my later years with just my wife (obviously with kids visiting every now and again)

12/20/2006 1:47:30 PM

what you need to do is be mean to him out of love

sit his ass down and be like "dude, seriously you're a fucking adult. Have a little be a pride for yourself, your wife and kids and be a fucking man. Take a stand for your family. Get off your lazy ass and do something or before you know it you're going to be alone. If your wife and kids leaving you doesn't bother you, then you're a sorry mother fucker. And on top of that, a sorry mother fucker who will be forced to pay alimony and child support. And if you dfon't pay, you'll go to prison and get ass-raped. Now take your dick out from between your legs, go home to your wife, apologize for being such a dick to her, tuck your kids in, wake up and start a new life."

Seriously, be as blunt and honest as you can be. Sometimes it someone treating them like they treat everyone else to realize what a jackass they can be.

12/20/2006 1:53:45 PM

If a man doesn't have enough sense to take care of his wife and child then there is nothing you can say to help him.

12/20/2006 1:56:51 PM

Quote :

"exactly, I don't want to be in my 50's and still raising kids. Theres nothing wrong with it, I just don't want to do it. I'd rather have them early to enjoy more of my later years with just my wife (obviously with kids visiting every now and again)"

Statistically speaking, a child's earning potential and intelligence is pretty much a linear match to how old his/her parent's are. Older parents make smart, successful, and law abiding babies.

Not to mention, wouldn't you rather spend your younger years with your wife? Traveling, experiencing the world, doing all the physical activities you can't do at 50? And then be able to transfer that knowledge and experience to your children?

12/20/2006 3:40:59 PM

^ statistically speaking. my parents had me when they were 20 and look how great I turned out

Quote :

"Older Smart, successful and law abiding parents make smart, successful, and law abiding babies."

the older a woman is when she has a child, the more likely it is that the baby will have birth defects. imo, the risk for the general public doesn't get that bad till 35+, but for my wife, who has diabetes, the risk is significant even at 30+. so we will probably start having kids in the next 3 years or so (which would start us at 27 and end around 30) even though that might not be enough time to do all the things we want to do before kids

[Edited on December 20, 2006 at 3:50 PM. Reason : young folk can be smart, successful etc]

12/20/2006 3:47:28 PM

youll never end up poor as long as youre in someone's will

12/20/2006 3:48:26 PM

The % that the gubment takes on your estate is actually quite high. And then you have to take into account that you'll probably have to split it.

12/20/2006 3:55:14 PM

so much drama

12/20/2006 4:00:57 PM

Quote :

"Statistically speaking, a child's earning potential and intelligence is pretty much a linear match to how old his/her parent's are. Older parents make smart, successful, and law abiding babies. Not to mention, wouldn't you rather spend your younger years with your wife? Traveling, experiencing the world, doing all the physical activities you can't do at 50? And then be able to transfer that knowledge and experience to your children? "

I've never heard a statistic about that, but if thats true, then I guess my parents and then my wife and I are in the minority. Dad's parents were 23 & 24 when he was born, Mom's parents were 17 & 19 when she was born. My parents were 21 &23 when I was born and I know my wife's mom was 21 when she was born (not sure about her dad's age but prob 23-24).

Who says you can't travel? sure it might cost a little more with kids but it can be done. And I want to be young enough that if I want to, I can do things with my kids and I'm not too old. Plus I would rather have more years with just me and my wife at the "end" of our life when we will be financially more stable and able to travel to more luxurious places than we could have gone while in our 20's.
Not saying any one way is better. There are pros and cons to each, its just the way I prefer. To each his own

12/20/2006 4:03:50 PM

Wow, I can't believe nobody sees the husband's side in this. Imagine if you were working at Wal-Mart and married to some crazy chick who keeps having emotional breakdowns and going to the hospital. Then the chick and all of her family and friends blame you for her problems.

Do you know how many women sit around the house all day, not doing shit, while their husbands work their asses off to provide for them and the kids?

Obviously none of you have ever met a divorced chick whose friends all talk about how she was the sweetest wife who did everything for her husband. Then you meet her and she annoys the crap out of you and you're like "oh, I kind of understand what happened now."

Maybe divorce is the best thing for both of them. Maybe they should do it, but not just for her sake.

12/20/2006 4:41:52 PM

that is not the situation here. for example, the husband is done with classes now, right. so he's at home all day yesterday. we picked up the wife from her work last night and drove to their place. when we got there, the house is a mess and he didn't even make anything to eat, so she had to do it. i don't like blaming the guy cus i want to get along with him, but he's definitely carrying the bulk of the blame here

12/20/2006 4:49:34 PM

just reading the first few lines, it appears he needs some stable pussy.

12/20/2006 4:56:04 PM

Ill see if I can find the study again, it was a pretty recent one.

12/20/2006 5:03:54 PM

stay out of it unless you want the both of them to be ex-friends.

12/20/2006 5:42:40 PM

That is the kind of guy that needs to hear something firm, so don't pussyfoot around with him.

Tell him to man up, get his shit together, because if he doesn't watch out he's going to lose his income source and his kids. Let him know how much he'll be shelling out for the next 18 years for child support if they do divorce. It makes me mad to no end when people don't take responsibility for their actions..



^^^ and pussy isn't what he needs, obviously that didn't work out so well with him last time.

[Edited on December 20, 2006 at 7:19 PM. Reason : .]

12/20/2006 7:18:31 PM

this sounds like an episode of "Intervention"

you friend needs therapy not a divorce

12/20/2006 7:30:13 PM

i hate even uttering these words on a message board

but yeah

your friend would probably benefit from not only therapy for himself

but therapy for them as a married couple, too

12/20/2006 7:40:51 PM

Ok first, some people don't straighten up when given a sit down. I've seen many guys this age screw around and not do what they need to be doing with their families and being told to get their shit together doesn't do anything.

Second, did you say you met them through a church couple group? See if they have some sort of counseling thing AT church... it's sad they're actually going to a group already together and are still having problems.

Anyways, good luck... the best thing you can do I think is to be a friend and offer reasonable advice and try and stay away from letting it hender your life.

12/20/2006 10:18:43 PM

Quote :

"the guy is totally selfish, quit his walmart job and made his wife get a job "

they guy had a walmart job... unless it was as a manager, what did she see in him?

sure, love is important, and i guess she loved him at the beginning, but a cashier at walmart? every girl (their future kids) deserves better than that.

12/21/2006 6:12:34 AM

Anything you do will just serve to alienate him from the relationship even further. When he said "i don't give a shit about being a good husband or father anymore" he was basically saying the same thing men say to themselves and their friends before they dump a girl. The difference here is that he can't just dump her because they are married and have kids. He feels stuck. He feels like his life is over. I don't know what you think you can accomplish by confronting someone in that emotional state.

12/21/2006 11:36:42 AM

I think its pretty obvious he wants out, It was too early and now hes young and trapped with kids he probably dosnt want, and a wife that is unstable. Hes not in the point of his life where he wants to be the rock of gibralter for his family to stand, he wants to have fun.

Hes escaping his reality by plaing games, which is better than booze or drugs, but still sucks. If they didnt have kids the divorce would be easy, but they do. Plus the wife probably shoudnt have them alone esp if she has a problem with mental stability.

In short, both of them lack the maturity to be in a married relationship or to raise children. Now eventually they will either get over it, get divorced, or have emotial breakdowns and drive the kids into a lake inside a minivan.

12/21/2006 11:54:35 AM

Hit him with a bat and neuter him while he's down. God knows we don't want people like that contaminating the gene pool any further than they already have. You can't encourage a little boy like that to be a man - which is, in effect, what you want to do. Seriously - make that wife get her kids away from that.

12/21/2006 12:13:38 PM

Quote :

"quit his walmart job and made his wife get a job so he could goof off and fail some classes, demeans his wife all the time, spends money that they don't have, and paints D&D figures and plays video games all day long."

You should drag him outside and beat his ass until he is out cold.

Then take his wife and kids to her parent's house

When he wakes up, tell him that one of her ex-boyfriends found out about the situation and decided to take her in but left the kids for him to look after.

[Edited on December 21, 2006 at 1:51 PM. Reason : .]

[Edited on December 21, 2006 at 1:52 PM. Reason : .]

12/21/2006 1:50:46 PM

The funny thing is if she divorces him now, HE'LL get alimony.

12/21/2006 1:55:12 PM