44

3/7/2012 2:49:19 PM

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/2948959310.html

Quote :

"Me: Blue hair, silver tube top, fishnets, Knee high black biker boots. You: Red mohawk, black pentagram gauges, viper piercings. I was grinding on you in the pit, then we went to the bathroom, and got fucked up. You had a nice cock and I was wasted so I let raw dog it in the stall. You were really good and you had to gag me so I would make too much noise. Anyway I'm pregnant. It's yours. contact me if you want to be part of your child's life. "

4/18/2012 10:27:52 AM

<3

4/18/2012 10:28:52 AM

http://greensboro.craigslist.org/pet/2973552196.html

4/23/2012 10:18:48 PM

why the hell did she keep putting smaller fish in her aquarium?

lol at 'maybe she will let you live on the ride home'

4/23/2012 10:22:10 PM

she knows nothing about aquarium fish

4/23/2012 10:33:35 PM

in case it's sold and deleted:

Quote :

"Roseanne needs a "special" home. She is a white and sunburst yellow koi. She is beautiful. Fine Print : I have invested hundreds....maybe thousands of $$$$ in this fish....not intentionally....but none the less. She started life as a beautiful little koi swimming amongst many other koi's at the PetSmart. I saw her and and thought what a great addition to my aquarium. ( NOT ) The sales lady was very friendly and told me she would make a great choice. ( She LIED ) I happily paid $45 for Rosanne and took her home. I put her in my aquarium and watched her swim happily around the lovely new setting she would call home. The next morning, I went to feed my fish. Hummmm....my Neons were gone...hiding I assumed. I feed my fish and was pleased to see Rosanne sucking down the food. Over the next couple of weeks, I noticed my population was dwindling fast. I replinished my supply and watched suspiciously as Rosanne quickly doubled in size. Literally, Rosanne will eat you out of house and home ( especially if you are a small fish in a big pond. ) While on vacation, my daughter bought me some really neat florescent fish ( I can only assume they were neat ) When I returned home, she called and asked how I liked my gift....What gift ????? I looked and looked, but to no avail, nothing flashy or pretty was swimming in my tank......ACTUALLY nothing but Rosanne was swimming in my tank. Trying to be thoughtful, my husband bought me a wonderful fantailed goldfish and a dalmation looking Koi to be roomates for Roseanne. ( What was he thinking ??? ) So far she has been unable to swallow them whole, so they are living peacefully together. Well, After 4 months of feeding her nonstop I have decided to see if maybe there may be a more appropriate home for Roseanne. If you have an endless supply of small fish ( $2 - $5 each at PetSmart on sale ) , a few pounds of Koi food a month, a limitless supply of small snails.....I HAVE NO IDEA HOW SHE EATS SNAILS, and a VERY large aquarium ( mine is 55 gallons and she still complains it's too small ) , You may be the right person to adopt her. Oh by the way, Roseanne loves very expensive exotic dwarf orange crayfish, at $60 a piece she has consummed at least $600 worth in the past 4 months. Roseanne is a true HIGH MAINTENANCE BEAUTY with a vast appetite and a feeling of dominance in any setting. Her palate is geared toward the very expensive....I suggest you have a very good paying job and not much attatchment to any of your smaller aquarium residents. One other thing you may need to know.....She likes her water changed weekly, as she is not a very good housekeeper. I would suggest you add algae eaters and bottom feeders to clean up behind her, but let's be honest....she would just eat them. If you are still interested. I would really hate to break up the trio, after all the other Koi and the goldfish are the only things she has not been able to eat, so she has learned to tolerate them, they may be her only chance at having friends in this lifetime. The brave person wishing to adopt Roseanne must bring a cooler or similiar way to transport her and her friends. I suggest you add food to the cooler so maybe she will let you live on the ride home. P.S. YES, I have considered eating her, but she is really pretty and I have never eaten anything so expensive before in my life. The way I figure it, she now has a net worth of over $1000 There is a rehomming Fee - mainly to see if you can truely afford her lavish lifestyle. For a mere $40 you can take Roseanne, the dalmation Koi and thier Fantail friend home with you and enjoy the beauty and style they bring to your aquarium. "

4/23/2012 10:37:41 PM

anyone else want to pay $40 for a fish fry?

4/23/2012 10:41:21 PM

im depressed after looking at the personals

4/23/2012 10:56:29 PM

Quote :

"wilmington, NC craigslist > personals > missed connections please flag with care: [?] miscategorized prohibited spam/overpost best of craigslist Please report suspected exploitation of minors to the appropriate authorities Sexy Man on the Street - w4m - 76 (Wilmington) Date: 2012-04-28, 11:08PM EDT Reply to: xzpf9-2985412520@pers.craigslist.org I saw you downtown yesterday near Port City Java. You were wearing a blue polka dotted shirt with a yellow tie, and khaki shorts. You had glasses! You were very sexy. I was wearing a long flowered dress and I was walking with a cane. I also have glasses. I thought you were VERY SEXY and hope that you can knock the dust out of my V_G__A!!!!! If you remember me, please message me I hope to hear from you soon love. Location: Wilmington it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 2985412520 "

5/2/2012 12:09:09 PM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/mis/3016769221.html

Quote :

"Andrea at Fox - m4w - 30 (Downtown Raleigh) I really enjoyed talking to you and your friend. When are you coming back inside the beltline?"

5/15/2012 8:31:29 PM

5/22/2012 6:43:10 PM

Quote :

"Everybody Loves Raymond Bedroom Set - $500 (Apex) Everybody Loves Raymond six piece Bedroom set in great condition. We are in the process of moving and have decided to not take this nostalgic collector's set with us. Our loss is your gain. The set is a steal at $500.00 but if you can come today (31 May) you can have it for $400 firm! Queen sized bed frame Dresser Mirror Computer Desk and Hutch Nightstand. Sorry the images are hard to see, we are in the process of moving... "

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/fuo/3048513942.html

You, too, can own a bedroom set from a crappy TV show

5/31/2012 2:34:48 PM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/mis/3046183652.html

5/31/2012 2:39:30 PM

Obligatory "why were you looking in the m2m section?"

5/31/2012 2:44:14 PM

missed connections, not m4m

5/31/2012 2:45:20 PM

http://eastnc.craigslist.org/bik/2960007670.html

Quote :

"Custom 40oz Malt Liquor Bottle Holders for Your Bike - $25 (Greenville) Date: 2012-04-18, 1:37PM EDT These are custom built 40oz holders. There are two versions; the first is light weight, all aluminum construction for road bikes. The second has a steel backbone for off-road/BMX bikes. It's a little heavier, but has the strength to hold a 40 without bending during jumps. Both versions are hand made, riveted, and wrapped in Cinelli gel bar wrap. I have every color. Also, for those bikes that don't have the water bottle holder mounts, I have holders with built in aluminum straps to mount on any tube. The bottles are very secure in their holders. The gel wrap holds the glass very well and does not allow the bottle to move, at all. The bottle is easily removable by unhooking the chain ring bolt and tire strap. The holder also fits a 32oz Nalgene water bottle. $25 "

6/1/2012 10:19:12 AM

http://greensboro.craigslist.org/pet/3063581554.html

Quote :

"Can someone please help me out and give her a home? My neighbors (mostly older women in their 60s) believe that "dogs don't bark" and have complained to the office in my apartments. They sent me a letter today giving me 10 days to get rid of her. She was born Oct 10th, and is up to date on all shots, as well as spayed. Please someone help, I am a vegetarian and I do NOT want to take her to the pound, I believe in SAVING animals! She is great with kids (5 year old and 7 month old baby in the household) and other animals. She has been an inside dog, but loves to be outside. She is about 20 pounds. She is border collie mixed with golden retriever I believe. I have her rabies shots and other shot records from the humane society. Please help! "

6/7/2012 6:18:25 PM

Quote :

"Need someone with video equipment to shoot an amature porn video. Male meeting his crossdresser girlfriend at hotel. we would like to film us having sex to possibly post on xhamster and for our own use. Camera person can be male or female camera crew can be one or two peolpe. Both male both female or one male and one female We dont want to pay but will consider barter camera crew could possibly join in wink wink "

6/7/2012 7:10:25 PM

^Knowing you're a videographer makes part of me wonder if you responded

6/7/2012 8:32:53 PM

Quote :

"Hi All, I wanted to let you know about a modern furniture moving sale taking place this Saturday! I created an event on Facebook and posted pictures. If you have questions about any of the furniture, please email me or ask directly on the Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/events/352430261491157/ I have tons of modern style furniture from places like Nowells, Ecko and Ambiente. I am also selling my car and jet skis for anyone interested. I am literally selling almost everything I own. Please visit the page, add the event, and let me know if you have any questions. If you want prices on items ahead of time, feel free to ask. "

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/gms/3070746668.html

The chair reminds me of Men in Black lol.

6/11/2012 12:34:28 PM

What's funny or odd about that posting?

6/11/2012 12:40:41 PM

The chair reminds her of Men in Black lol.

6/11/2012 12:45:54 PM

6/11/2012 12:46:56 PM

i figured she'd have known the chair manufacturer or set designer for men in black or done paperwork for someone with this chair or sat in this chair and read resumes and cook books or farted in this chair while watching tentacle hentai or something

idk

6/11/2012 12:47:30 PM

lol looks like the Everybody Love Raymond bedroom set has gone up in price!

Quote :

"Everybody Loves Raymond Bedroom Set - $600 (Apex)"

6/11/2012 12:48:07 PM

^^Ok that made me LOL a lot harder than it should

tentacle hentai lololol

6/11/2012 12:51:25 PM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/evg/3064114009.html

Quote :

"$$$$Female Dancers Wanted (Great tips) (Durham, N.C.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2012-06-07, 8:01PM EDT Reply to: lillee919@yahoo.com [Errors when replying to ads?] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Professional 24 year young black male, looking for 3 to 5 women ages 18-31 that would like to make some extra money on the side. *Dance and perform in-front of different size crowds. *Must be dependable.. *Security will be provided. *Private wardrobe area *College students WELCOMED! NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY... All races NEED apply. POSITIONS WILL BE OPEN UNTIL FILLED! CONTACT L ASAP FOR MORE INFORMATION"

If THAT isn't a pimp call-out, then I don't know what that is.

[Edited on June 11, 2012 at 1:19 PM. Reason : .]

6/11/2012 1:19:29 PM

Someone linked this on Bookface:

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/mis/3079503501.html

Quote :

"Lost Prince Albert - m4m - 67 (castro / upper market) Date: 2012-06-15, 8:37AM PDT Reply to: zpkz3-3079503501@pers.craigslist.org Just on the off chance that someone has seen it - I am one of the naked people that hangs out in the Castro and I lost my Prince Albert piercing yesterday. It is a metal bar with two studs on each end. I may have caught it on the toilet seat at the restroom at Pete's coffee on Market. If you find it please respond - it belonged to my Dad and has sentimental value. Thanks. "

6/18/2012 9:34:19 PM

6/20/2012 9:39:33 AM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/spo/3102325889.html

Quote :

"Flaccid golf clubs for sale - $200 (Raleigh) I'm selling my golf clubs and with a golden satchel of memories. These clubs have been with me since high school, forty pounds ago, when the world was my oyster, long before that oyster was left out in the sun to sour, uneaten and spoiled. These clubs were with me the first time I sank a golf cart in a water hazard, the first time I polished off a fifth of bourbon during a single round, and the first and only time I ever killed a bird. These clubs have been in my trunk on every one of my road trips, whether alone or with friends, so they have seen the world, or, rather, a corner of the world, just North Carolina, really, and maybe Virginia and South Carolina, but we don't talk about South Carolina, no one does. These golf clubs were used once in defense against a swarm of bees that turned out to be imaginary bees brought on by lack of sleep and something else, some wild fuel I accidentally ate. They have been used as a cane when my crutches were not around the two times I broke my knee, the second time a dislocation of the knee cap that led me to believe the pain of child birth would be both bearable and welcomed should it be an alternative to my knee cap coming unattached again. These clubs have felt the salty breeze of the Carolina coast on their face and the brisk numbing wind of the Blue Ridge Mountains about their grips. These clubs are a piece of American history because they have seen a piece of America. These clubs are also stupid. Anything that has heard words shouted with such repetition in its presence would have surely learned to cuss by now. These clubs cannot cuss. They also can not learn to hit the ball straight. They are terrible at remembering the few good strokes they have created and fight constantly to stand out from the herd, to stray, like some weirdo in Jnco jeans in the corner of the cafeteria eating his spaghetti by hand or some damn Hippie laying in a field going nowhere with his life. These clubs will never sustain a job because they cannot learn. There is a reason they are for sale and all sales are final. I bought these clubs before I met the girl who would become my wife. I met her eleven years ago when I was sixteen and had a stomach that no one who knows me now would believe, ripped like a little Rambo. I had these clubs when I was a young bachelor, hair down to my shoulders, tearing up the town in a 1990 Volvo 740 SEL with the sunroof open and the road before me like some great American Dream ready to be snatched, the way candy is from a baby, or a kiss from an easy and drunk woman. These clubs moved from the Volvo to the 1980 midnight blue Chevy Camaro Berlinetta, a thing unlike any other thing, and they watched me fall in love with my wife, a woman who has mastered both looking perfect and a number of delicious casseroles. (She's heartbreakingly beautiful and comforted me each time these golf clubs kicked me in the crotch.) The Berlinetta, the keeper of the clubs for two years, was a car that only ever knew the sounds of Appetite for Destruction and who wanted to go so much faster than the 85 miles per hour its speedometer allowed. But that car was hampered by reality, something its driver never saw coming. Like the clubs, as in life, like a speedometer only meant to go so fast, potential is not what you can imagine but what you can do, and the potential in these clubs is set at a non-negotiable 32 over par. After the Camaro the clubs moved to a Jeep and then a fuel-efficient Civic, neither of which sustained the fiery joy of a young man's driving, and neither grown-up car comes with as many stories, except for that starry night when the State Police knocked on the Jeep window just off the Blue Ridge Parkway, the flashlight's glow filling the cab, but that has nothing to do with golf. PW-3I. The 3-iron and 4-iron have never been swung. Maybe they have been swung but they have surely never been hit by a ball. The 5-iron worked one sunny day in August of '01 on a course just outside of Raleigh. And on that day the 5-iron worked like few 5-irons have worked before. But that day was but a whisper of joy in a lifetime of defeat, like that scrimmage before senior year against the worst team in the city when I had twelve tackles and an interception (my count) and the world (my mom) thought I was going to be a star. But it wasn't meant to be. Remember the knees. And like the 5-iron I faded into a metaphorical bag in a metaphorical trunk riding circles around North Carolina looking for another sunny patch of manicured fairway to kick up. I had a sand wedge but I lost it. For an added price, negotiable, I will also sell the Bazooka driver. Purchased along with the irons back when I believed in the names of things--back when buying something called a Bazooka was a perfect idea--the driver is in good shape. But it too is a failed son. If the Bazooka were an actual son it would smoke pot in a basement and troll for uneducated red-headed former dancers from "down east" in dingy bars on the weekends, selling the poor girls on stories of grandeur, hope, tales of a Big Bazooka and all the memories such a Bazooka could bury in her cold and weary heart. But like the actual Bazooka, my driver, if the Bazooka were a sorry man it would have trouble with its piece and would fail to make it in the short grass every time. The Bazooka hits a ball straight up in the air and lands it a hundred yards shy of where you intended, its like a quickie when all you really want is the thing to be patient. Up, up, up, down, down, stop, over, damn, sigh, sorry. The Bazooka is nothing its name implies, or maybe it is everything its name implies, war on something, war on your soul. Us Americans and our names. Like a subdivision named Garden Estates that can only be seen from the highway when the red dust cloud settles and a view of the trailers emerges from the crimson squalor. My initial asking price is $125 for the clubs. No bag. No extra wedges. No putter. PW-3I. And $200 if you want the driver. The asking price is high, yes, but this is a g-d recession if you haven't noticed and the bar near my house seems to think $2.75 is an appropriate asking price for PBR. Not only do I have all the hipsters in the world drinking the stuff but they've driven the price through the roof. One day I'll catch one, one of the skinny, squirrelier ones, and place his knit cap over his mouth and waterboard him with Four Loko. But we digress. $125 for clubs, no bag. $200 with driver. (Note. The driver doesn't come with a head cover because I lost it and bought an Appalachian State head cover for it and you can't have that because I'm not buying another Appalachian State head cover. Bazooka comes naked. Naked and flaccid as it should.) If you want to discuss the price you can email me through Craigslist or get me on twitter (@marctlewis) or my website (marctlewis.com). If you want to bicker about the price you can bend over and place your head between your knees until all the blood rushes down there then you can pop up quickly and pass out. Save me the effort. Also, if you're the type of person who bickers over a Craigslist price you have neither the sense of humor nor mental fortitude to wield a set of sad sticks such as these. Let the bidding begin and don't be cheap. Everyone is poor these days. You're not special. "

6/27/2012 12:44:20 PM

That is a work of art.

6/27/2012 12:57:41 PM

^^that was awesome

6/27/2012 1:14:44 PM

haha

Quote :

"The asking price is high, yes, but this is a g-d recession if you haven't noticed and the bar near my house seems to think $2.75 is an appropriate asking price for PBR. Not only do I have all the hipsters in the world drinking the stuff but they've driven the price through the roof. One day I'll catch one, one of the skinny, squirrelier ones, and place his knit cap over his mouth and waterboard him with Four Loko."

6/27/2012 1:56:48 PM

6/28/2012 7:32:39 AM

wish the helmet was included, just the wide-tire kit. he's only selling to "GO BIGGER"
http://raleigh.craigslist.org/mcy/3106774783.html

6/29/2012 1:20:56 AM

pff http://raleigh.craigslist.org/mcy/3086280595.html

6/29/2012 2:27:27 AM

^hahaha

6/29/2012 8:19:28 AM

http://greensboro.craigslist.org/wan/3121110246.html

Quote :

"in need of personal item (high point) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2012-07-05, 8:29PM EDT Reply to: mvt4n-3121110246@sale.craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hey I feel so embrassed for what I'm about 2 ask I'm in need of some pads I just ran out I been on my period for 5 days I only had 15 left I just used the last 1 today please help thank u "

7/6/2012 4:52:13 PM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/mis/3175409223.html

LOL at the end.

UNC Chapel Hill Wrestler - w4m - 26 (Chapel Hill Wilco)

Quote :

" Your name is Josh but I call you "The Wrestler". I am the black girl that works at the Wilco on Martin Luther King Blvd. in Chapel Hill. We both have a crush on each other. I can tell. I've seen your ID plenty of times. lol. I don't know if you know my name or not but I think about you morning, noon and night. I can't get you out of my mind. I was attracted to you when I first saw you. You always get Sour Apple Wraps or Grizzly Mint Pouches. I never been with a white guy. I don't know if you've ever been with a black girl. It's ohkay. There's a first time for everything. You make me nervous. You are so sexy. We definitely have chemistry between us. I've seen you checking me out too. I anticipate seeing you come inside the store everyday. I want to get to know you. I want us to talk. I like everything about you, even though you dip snuff. I hope I didn't make you feel bad when I said "ewwwwwwh". I would still kiss you though. I'm infactuated with you. I've seen you with your girlfriend though. I don't know if you read these or not. I think you live in Chapel View. I've seen you out there. Ironically, I'm moving out there soon. I just moved here from Raleigh and I don't really know anyone here in Chapel Hill. Maybe you can show me around. I've also been wanting to ask you...Where's the weed at? "

8/8/2012 10:18:03 PM

+++ FOUND +++ SILVER RING WITH "BRITTNEY MARIE" ETCHED ON BAND (Wrightsville Beach)
Date: 2012-08-13, 10:29AM EDT
Reply to: 5pkcw-3202336254@comm.craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
I spent yesterday morning frolicking in the waves of the Atlantic Ocean at Wrightsville Beach. While toweling off my Phelps-like physique, I discovered a ring lying in the sand near the Crystal Pier.

This ring is obviosuly special. It's not special in a way that requires me to return it to Mordor to defeat Sauron and all of that crap, but it's still special in its own unique way.

The ring is silver with the words "Brittney Marie" etched into the band. There is a large purple gemstone set in the middle of the band. I'm not a gemologist and I don't play one on TV, so I have no friggin' clue what kind of stone it is.

My initial reaction was to take the ring to Flash Cash Jewelry & Pawn on Dawson Street and then head STRAIGHT to Pure Gold strip club to take in the Wilmington Ballet. I WOULD MAKE IT RAIN AT PURE GOLD. And just as I was making it rain, the Karma Gods would strike down on me with great vengeance and furious anger.

The strip club DJ would tee up a Mötley Crüe song--because strip club DJs ALWAYS play Mötley Crüe songs--and introduce the next dancer.

DJ: "Gentlemen, please welcome to the stage...Brittney Marie!"

ME: "OH SHIT."

And while it's unlikely Brittney Marie is her real name, it would still freak me the fuck out. Even worse, it could be her stage name and some creepy customer who excels in hand-to-gland combat gave her that ring. Because NOTHING is creepier than some dude harboring a boner in his sweat pants giving a stripper a ring with her stripper named engraved on it. That's some BTK shit right there.

This is how the Karma Gods work. And I don't want any part of their shit.

That's why I posted this on Craigslist. If this is your ring, send me an email and I will mail it to you. I'll even pay for the postage. If this is NOT your ring and you send me an email claiming it IS your ring, you will be fucking with an indomitable force that will hunt you down and stab you in the heart.

http://wilmington.craigslist.org/laf/3202336254.html

8/14/2012 10:40:42 AM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/roo/3246425077.html

Quote :

"$100 / 1500ft² - Live here instead of parents Date: 2012-09-02, 10:54PM EDT If you are sexy and under the age of 25 I have a great place for you to live. It won't cost you anything. I'm not wanting to trade sex for rent. This is platonic. I want a roomate but not for the money, I have other reasons but I can only share my house with a female. The Location is in Durham near brier creek in Raleigh. Please tell me about yourself if interested. Only for clean and neat people! it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 3246425077"

wtf

9/3/2012 12:47:23 PM

^LOL!

9/3/2012 12:56:42 PM

http://okaloosa.craigslist.org/clo/3258559717.html

Size 13 -The only pair of shoes you will ever need. - $10 (Niceville/BWB)

Date: 2012-09-08, 12:46PM EDT
Reply to this post 5hsrh-3258559717@sale.craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Picture this:
It's guy's night out, you and your boys can't choose between The Swamp and Nighttown in your t-top IROC. Your pre-game buzz is starting to wear like K-Mart jeans and your confidence; the Hindenburg.

Your head falls in shame, and you see a glimmer of hope.
The Shoes.

They're light, they're breathable.
To say They cut a rug would be calling the Mona Lisa a mediocre.

They cut rugs. Shit, They cut diamonds

9/11/2012 4:16:12 PM

^ damn - I want to buy them now.

9/11/2012 4:21:04 PM

10/3/2012 12:42:43 PM

Quote :

""guys""

10/3/2012 12:44:57 PM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/w4m/3314928035.html

Quote :

"I have a pretty busy schedule, but would really like to find someone to go out with and have a good time with on occasion. I love to laugh and have a good time. I enjoy hanging out with friends, going out to dinner, catching a movie, or just catching up over a drink or coffee. I am single, never married, and don't have any children. I am 5'4" and a plus-sized girl. I have brown hair, green eyes, and am very attractive. I am ISO a SWM who knows how to laugh. I love a good sense of humor. Please be between the ages of 25-37 and in shape or HWP. Tall is a bonus ;-) Please respond with a picture. No picture no reply. Also, tell me a little bit about yourself. "

10/4/2012 6:59:32 PM

She just should have put,

"not fat like me"

10/4/2012 7:03:37 PM

can someone explain what ISO, SWM, and HWP mean

10/4/2012 10:55:56 PM