4

10/14/2007 5:37:02 PM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/w4m/449336267.html

who wants to date raven riley?

10/15/2007 3:02:12 AM

Quote :

"http://raleigh.craigslist.org/cas/448956532.html"

Doesn't that dude always go into Cup a Joe? That's why I don't go there anymore.

[Edited on October 15, 2007 at 3:13 AM. Reason : ]

10/15/2007 3:13:03 AM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/w4m/443932902.html

lol at the first pic

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/w4m/445760743.html

"Clown fetish"

10/15/2007 5:00:38 AM

hell I'd hit it in a clown suit

10/15/2007 5:19:52 AM

FTW!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.
Date: 2007-02-06, 2:24PM PST


I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

10/15/2007 5:41:03 AM

Quote :

"Oh! So that's what it's for! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2003-02-10, 5:08PM EST Missed connection with your empty space (no not your mind...not your heart...no the big gaping hole between your legs) Oh. See I didn't realize it was there for some other guy to chow on. See, I thought it was there for you to deprive me of my masculine needs. I thought you used it to remind yourself that you are a woman and not a monster...in case you forgot. I thought it represented your inability to be intimate. I thought it was there as a monthly excuse to be a bitch to me. How could I not realize that it's sole purpose was to fulfill some stranger's desires to submit to the most inhuman witch in the world???? So how is the sycophant of a box-muncher? Have you gotten him to pay your fucking bills? He must be full by now! And...yes...I was faking it too. "

10/17/2007 10:33:43 AM

if you browse CL enough, you will notice the same people posting their pictures over and over. i wonder if it ever works out for them?

10/17/2007 10:50:23 AM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/mis/450832494.html

10/17/2007 10:55:48 AM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/cas/452722348.html

what are they going to do? nuke it?

10/18/2007 2:10:11 PM

dude dont ever cum into a container that a chick plans on storing.

my god, youre asking for rape charges one day!

10/18/2007 2:12:50 PM

^^ That's nasty as fuck!

10/18/2007 3:06:54 PM

10/18/2007 3:09:13 PM

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/10847923.html

Quote :

"A stroke of genius hit me early in the morning. You see, I have a dog. This dog is male. This dog is very horny. Consequently this dog has a booty call plush toy. This dog has violated this plush toy so much that i have taken it away from the requests of my neighbors that say he makes a lot of noise. This plush toy, the donky Eeyore from winnie the pooh, now sits in my closet. Now, when I have freinds come over and business associates, this plush toy is given back to the dog to provide usually 5 minutes of comedic entertainment. Now here is where genius struck me. I hate my brother. He is a vain, prissy, aspiring actor with more brown nosing skills than waiter jobs. Yesterday he borrowed my car without asking and left me stranded the whole day. This morning, I affixed a headshot of his to little Eeyore, and proceeded to video tape my dog making passionate grunting love to his face. That tape is now in the mail on its way to cindy, the girl he just started dating. Revenge is sweet. If you'd like assistance in embarrasing or scandalizing, email me. 5 bucks and a headshot can get you a canine orgy with the picture of your choice. "

AHAHAHA

10/18/2007 3:59:55 PM

^meh

it's a ~ funny. mostly childish though.

10/18/2007 4:01:20 PM

Quote :

"Something fun... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2003-07-01, 5:11AM EDT Hi, I seem to be having an awful month and absolutely nothing is going right. Would anyone like to spend a fun evening, getting a couple of drinks, watching a movie and then smothering me to death with a large, handmade, patchwork pillow? The last part should only take about ten minutes, less if you've experience in this area. I'll even pay for the drinks and movie. I'm looking for someone with a great sense of humor, fun personality and a sufficent amount of upper body strength. Race/sex/orientation unimportant, though attractiveness is a plus. You would seriously be doing me a great favor and you'll have an interesting piece of dinner conversation for the next couple of weeks. "

10/19/2007 12:01:42 PM

lol^

10/19/2007 12:48:28 PM

lol what the hell ....

10/19/2007 1:17:53 PM

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/stp/444607815.html

Quote :

"GUITAR HERO - m4w m4a m4m m4mw - 22 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply to: pers-444607815@craigslist.org Date: 2007-10-09, 7:00PM EDT I love to play guitar hero II on my Xbox 360. I'm looking for someone to play with that is actually good at it. I don't care if you're male or female or how old you are or how attractive/unattractive you are (as long as you're not dirty or smelly or creepy). If you aren't good and want to play anyway, hit me up. I'll play with you too. "

LimpyNuts?

10/19/2007 1:33:08 PM

http://www.cnbc.com/id/21149835

10/19/2007 2:39:51 PM

nice

10/19/2007 3:12:17 PM

Quote :

"Sexy Playmate Model Seeks Benefit Date for This Sat- - 29 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply to: pers-453970791@craigslist.org Date: 2007-10-19, 3:02PM PDT Hi, I am a beautiful, smart, playboy model and I would like to meet a friend with benefits for dinner tommorrow (Sat). Just broke up with boyfriend and need someone cool to hang with and some finacial assistance. Serious Inquires please. Must be wealthy and classy. There is over 1000 reasons you would have fun being my date and enjoy each others company. "

10/19/2007 6:33:09 PM

finacial assistance

10/19/2007 7:15:25 PM

Im not gonna get to use my ride tickets, so I threw them up on CL @ $14.50/sheet.

This wench, after explaining that I'm NOT going to be selling them at cost when I can sell at a slight profit (more, if I actually sell IN the fairgrounds), but that I'll sell for $14/sheet, says

Quote :

"No thanks, By time I come from Wake Forest to You to buy them I might as well buy them at the fair for 18.00, I will be spending more in Gas to get them, and You only paid 10.00 for them, Thanks"

So I replied

Quote :

"That's fine. I'm not overly interested in planning a meeting with someone who won't read, and who apparently drives a vehicle that consumes AT LEAST 8 gallons coming from WF to Raleigh (note: consumer car mileage is rated in miles to the gallon, not gallons to the mile). "

Then I arranged a meeting to sell two of the sheets to someone else

Clue #1 things were going to go well with this person: their email is CERTIFIEDLEADS79@aol.com


edit: I got a reply

Quote :

"You must be a CHILD, Do not get mad b, c You are scouting Tickets and I will not fall for it, and YOU LEARN TO READ I NEVER ASK YOU TO MEET ME! You only paid 10.00 for them, You need to learn to write correctly due to You tried to say 11.00 but I already Knew b. c I bought some in Advance, I drive and Expedition, Sorry must be talking about Your little 8 Gallon Car! My Three Years old have more since then You! Thanks and have a great Day!"

[Edited on October 20, 2007 at 4:04 PM. Reason : need spam mailing lists!]

10/20/2007 3:59:25 PM

Quote :

"There is over"

correct grammar?

[Edited on October 20, 2007 at 4:12 PM. Reason : wow people are stupid.]

10/20/2007 4:05:16 PM

long term relationship

10/20/2007 4:24:31 PM

Quote :

"You must be a CHILD, Do not get mad b, c You are scouting Tickets and I will not fall for it, and YOU LEARN TO READ I NEVER ASK YOU TO MEET ME! You only paid 10.00 for them, You need to learn to write correctly due to You tried to say 11.00 but I already Knew b. c I bought some in Advance, I drive and Expedition, Sorry must be talking about Your little 8 Gallon Car! My Three Years old have more since then You! Thanks and have a great Day!"

OK this is just comedic gold.

10/20/2007 4:30:52 PM

I SO thought about replying with just

Quote :

"The word you're looking for is scalping"

but a reply like "Your stupid and mean" just isn't as gratifying as signing them up for spam.

10/20/2007 4:34:03 PM

Quote :

"My Three Years old have more since then You!"

this sentence hurts my brain.

10/20/2007 4:35:26 PM

I really didn't even notice that - I was too appalled to read well

Now I wanna email back something like
(quoted) scouting, since, and

and be like, "your poor kids. Start saving money for tutors, because they won't graduate HS if you have anything to do with it"

Okay, I replied with

Quote :

"I hope they have more sense than you, as well. Your poor chirruns :-("

I shouldn't have
Oh...no fun. I got this back:

Quote :

"----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors ----- ----- Transcript of session follows ----- ... while talking to air-xa03.mail.aol.com.: >>> RCPT To: <<< 550 certifiedleads79 IS NOT ACCEPTING MAIL FROM THIS SENDER 550 ... User unknown "

[Edited on October 20, 2007 at 4:45 PM. Reason : part of a longer email.]

10/20/2007 4:38:52 PM

WOLF!!!!

10/20/2007 5:06:41 PM

GO!!!

10/20/2007 8:24:06 PM

N.C.

10/20/2007 8:24:41 PM

pack?

10/20/2007 8:25:44 PM

Quote :

"THIS A SET OF 3 WALL MOUNTED SPEAKERS , SURROUND , 1 INCH THICK . YOU CANNOT FIND THIS IN U.S YET . ARE LOOKING LIKE A WALL PICTURE BUT IS NOT . AND THE SOUND IS INCREDIBLE. Super slim speaker means that when the product hangs on the wall, it looks like only a painting, while actually it is the super slim speaker; and it is the speaker with no bugle; the vocalization transits the paint board to phonate.First: Principle The vocalization transits the board of excitation to phonate. The company is the only one to hold the hardcore of high technology brainpower excitation. It changes more than eight decadesf history of the traditional speaker technology, all of which differ from the phonated principle to apparent configuration. Second: Characteristics 1. The timbre has extremely high sensitive degree and spreads at all directions 2. The sound distributes proportionally 3. The timbre is clearer, just as if being personally on the scene when hearing music 4. Adopt the newest high technology material to our speaker, color brighter, pleasing to both the eye and the mind tonally ; 5. The speaker processes advantages of ovenproof, dustproof, rainproof, intelligence, saving electricity, environmental protection and saving space etc. 6. The fancy decoration of the speaker promises enjoyment for the visual and audio at the same time. You will be go into the bourn ofg looking at the painting , while enjoying the music h once applying this to your life. You can hear harmonious sounds wherever you stay at the inner room, which means, no distance, all space. Compared with the traditional speaker , the super slim speaker is more perfect because of the vocalism principle, and people will found a secretg no roaring while nearby, no inarticulate when far-away, no idea of where the song comes, the melody flies all over the room. h That is the pioneering work at field of the decoration and speaker in the world, and we are ahead of the world about that. Third: Comparison with Traditional Speaker 1A Based on hard work and correlative expert, we have solved the disfigurements of the traditional speaker (no low-timbre, illegibility voice and others),and developed the gSubwooferh to get rid of the problem for good. With the help of the Subwoofer, the low-timbre transits the paint speaker to phonate, consequently the super slim speaker naissance g5.1 Home Theatreh. "

10/22/2007 12:40:41 AM

Quote :

""The company is the only one to hold the hardcore of high technology brainpower excitation.""

10/22/2007 1:33:33 AM

I've got some of those shitty speakers like that! Bought them at the bookstore sidewalk sale for $5 (bought two sets). One set is missing the power supply but the little speakers still work. I'm going to use them in some sort of crappy nerd setup I have one day.

They're lame and lack bass.

10/22/2007 2:19:36 AM

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/14197980.html

A few good laughs.

10/22/2007 4:12:18 PM

^ I swear, I can just imagine Dr. Flick writing that. And yes, that's Dr. Anita Flick for those interested.

10/22/2007 5:30:32 PM

man i have missed reading this thread. some golden stuff

10/22/2007 7:06:54 PM

^^ so as not to confuse anyone (not that I think they care) I meant to say I can imagine Dr. Flick writing something like that. I'm in one of her classes and she has got to be one of the biggest attention whores I've ever seen.

10/22/2007 7:29:55 PM

have you seen the pics?

10/22/2007 9:21:13 PM

that last link is hilarious. poor teacher. , but I LOLed a lot.

Quote :

"Describing reliability and validity. To better illustrate concept, drew two targets with bullseyes. Unfortunately, drew them too close to each other. Looked like boobs. Class found this amusing. "

hehe

10/22/2007 10:04:20 PM

^^ yes, and I can't look at her without thinking about them. And that's not a good thing.

10/22/2007 10:38:31 PM

wow

good deal or scam?

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/ele/455787423.html

10/22/2007 10:56:13 PM

good deal

i'd go see it in person first though & run diagnostics on it

10/22/2007 10:57:05 PM

looks like a good deal.

10/22/2007 10:57:16 PM

Quote :

"Yes, I know I'm going bald. Fuck you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2003-08-12, 1:11PM EDT I am vain. I rarely pretend to be otherwise. I believe I am smarter and better looking than you. Most of the time I am right. That being said, I thought I had gotten over this whole going bald thing. It started my senior year in college, about a year after I cut off my long hair. A friend, Jon , was on a staircase above me at a party, while I was getting stupid drunk below, and he said, "Yo, I think you might be losing your hair man." As is my nature, I started to obsess on the subject. After a few years of many hours spent holding mirrors behind my head, I started Rogaine. I can't remember exactly what time period this was - maybe when I was 23 or so. I was not a satisfied customer. Rogaine is icky, greasy, expensive stuff that leaves stains on your future inlaws couch ala Eric LaSalle in Coming to America. When my head started itching all the time, I quit the hair sauce. Cold turkey. I was never convinced it worked anyway. Since I'm getting the classic male pattern bald formation my two choices are A) go bald gracefully, wait for the inevitable spread to the front of my head, and finally go the way of the razor, or, B) find religion, judasim or islam or something and wear a yarmulke or skull cap until I go the way of the razor. Plan B is starting to sound tempting. Why? Why, you ask? Because people suck. Apparently when you are struggling with the first stages of baldness, all people want to do is let you know. Like it's some fucking public service. I'm at a wedding, having a good time getting plowed and minding my own business, but my head attracts the attention of a bridesmaid who casually drops this line to Jon - "Oh, that's Ed? Next to the shiny head guy?" A dollar goes to the reader who can guess who the shiny head guy was. That's right. Me. Fuck. Of course, this comment wasn't addressed to me, though that bitch would have to be half-retarded to think I wouldn't hear about it. So enter my coworker Fatty McTactless. I'm in a meeting with about twenty people. They called me in to complain about shit, which is their right as fuckwits, but as a master of fuckwit manipulation I have them in awe of my splendor in no less than 15 minutes. At 20 minutes I ask to leave the meeting, as I am done with them. On my way to the door Fatty says, "Hey, looks like you're starting to go bald." In front of the whole room and three people in on video screens in the london office. I turned ready to lunge and beat him dead, but only mustered the following half-assed comment "Must be the job." This was one of those unfortunate time machine moments, where you come up with no less than ten great retorts five minutes too late. As I do not own a time machine, I left the room, never to return, tail between my legs, mind on my head. Later that day another coworker comes into my office as I am rubbing my eyes and pulling my hair in frustration. She asks me what's wrong, and I mutter something and put my head down on my desk. She asks "Is it because you're losing your hair?" She wasn't even in the meeting. And there was not an ounce of spite in her voice. It was sympathy mixed with concern. I felt like puking. Two comments in one day. I must look like Mr. Clean. So if you ever meet me, keep this in mind - YES, I KNOW I AM LOSING MY HAIR. I KNOW. YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME. ONLY AN IDIOT COULD BE LOSING HIS HAIR AND NOT REALIZE. YOU ARE AN ANNOYING COCKWEASEL. "

State409c?

10/23/2007 1:12:53 PM

Quote :

"Why I didn't like you -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2003-09-02, 1:13PM PDT Hi, We went out to dinner on Saturday night, and you called yesterday. I will NOT, under ANY circumstances, be calling you back, and I thought you might want to know why. I had high hopes for you, you know. You were really cute, seemed articulate and reasonably intelligent, and worked at a decent job. But, man oh man, you SO BLEW IT. Dinner was good, I have to admit. We chatted amiably and there weren't any of those long pauses in conversation where you feel all awkward and desperately scan the room looking for something to comment on. In fact, dinner was pleasant enough that I invited you up to my apartment for a drink. That's when things started to go wrong. First off, even though I did ask you to come up, I'm not a slutty gal. I suspect that you thought just because I asked you to come in my house you were going to get LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY, but, let me tell you, asking me about whether or not I like "toys" on a first date and about my feelings regarding oral sex - that's a big NO for me. It's not that I don't like those things, I do, but that's just WAY too personal for a first date. In the same way that I wouldn't tell you about, for example, the worst thing that ever happened to me, or how I felt when my grandma died, or about my parent's divorce, or about how many hours I was on the toilet when I got food poisoning - because you see, those are personal things and I DON'T REALLY KNOW YOU, and therefore, they are INAPPROPRIATE, I'm not going to chat with you about my sexual habits. Strike one Okay - so I thought that that was weird and rude, but you leaned in to kiss me and, what the hell, I kissed you anyways. Here's where things went REALLY WRONG! Cumming in your pants because of a 5 minute kiss is NOT IMPRESSIVE and does not bode well for the bedroom and I'm thinking at this point, maybe this is why he's so concerned with toy habits. While I would like to think that maybe I'm some kind of INSANELY good kisser and that because of my skill you were overcome, so to speak, I don't think that's the case. At this point I just wanted you to leave. That was strike 2. So, then you went to the bathroom to "clean up" and then came back out and gave me this pathetic excuse about how you just remembered you had to return a video that you had left at a friend's house and needed to leave. By the way, that was a completely transparent lie, but I just wanted you to GO AWAY so I pretended to believe it. I suspect you were embarrassed, which you had every right to be, but come on, how stupid do you think I am? I can't believe you bought it when I nodded my head and emphatically agreed with you that late fees were indeed horrible and that, yes, it was an urgent manner that you retrieve your video and get it back RIGHT AWAY. Strike 3 for baldfaced, idiotic lying, you sorry ass. So, you finally leave, and I'm thinking THANK GOD THAT'S OVER, and GODDAM IDIOT, and I put my sweats on and go to the bathrooom to wash my face and brush my teeth and I soap my face off and rinse it off and grab the handtowel I keep by the sink and I look down squinting because there's water in my eyes and think, "what's that?" and then get a whiff of it and realize OH MY GOD YOU BASTARD you cleaned off your sorry dick on my face towel. Were you not taught any manners? There was plenty of toilet paper, which I would have thought to be the logical choice, but you used my FACE TOWEL. I gagged and threw the towel out of the bathrooom. This is strike 4, and by the way, I had to throw the towel away and while you owe me a nice, thick purple face towel that hasn't been soiled, I will never claim this because that would require seeing you again, and I DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES want to do so. So anyways, that pretty much sums up why I'm not returning your call, and why I don't like you. You suck. "

10/23/2007 4:05:22 PM

Quote :

"7/18 Student who received 5/35 on the first midterm and 8/35 on the second continually drops by my office and calls me to “just say hi.” I suspect this is an attempt to hit on me. I wonder what makes him think that I would believe his performance in any other area would be better. "

10/23/2007 4:12:41 PM