"you'll change your mind" always pissed me off the most

1/16/2014 10:05:55 AM

NCSUam0s:

Quote :

"Sometimes I feel like I should know one way or another whether or not I want kids. I admit that part of me is super selfish and I don't want to commit to something so stressful and permanent, or give up my cushy lifestyle and on-a-whim travel opportunities. But on the other hand, sometimes I think - how hard could it be? Seems like every idiot I went to high school with is procreating (multiple times) and their gene pools really should have stopped with them. I'm being selfish to the world because my husband and I are both intelligent and well-rounded; I can only assume our offspring could attempt to counteract the stupid. But I also worry that it's too late and the world is going to shit anyway. /conceited rant"

It's important to remember that there's a difference between procreation and successful child-rearing. Also, I think the main issue with the "I'm pretty dope; I would have dope kids" mentality is that any potential child doesn't exist in a vacuum. You aren't the only influence. I feel well-adjusted for the most part, but my sisters have both had bouts with the crazy. Sometimes you get kids with unexpected issues, and sometimes the world changes your child. I think it'd be neat to have a child, show her cool shit, and teach her the best that I know; but the world would also get its say.

[Edited on January 16, 2014 at 10:10 AM. Reason : .]

1/16/2014 10:09:24 AM

Quote :

"^^I think the term is "married people". Quit with the "society is oppressing us because of our lifestyle choice" nonsense. You're not a victim of anything. Live your life and move on."

FFS, where was I playing the victim card? I don't feel oppresed in the slightest, just felt that it's a discussion waged with polarized terms (and viewpoints) on both sides.

1/16/2014 11:43:54 AM

Quote :

"I wish there was a term that wasn't loaded. "Childfree" treats children as a malady, much like "disease-free". "Childless" treats the lack of children as a great loss, much like "heartless"."

LOL, I don't know if that was intentional or not, but many/some "people with no children" definitely see themselves as "disease-free" because they choose not to have children/parasites/leeches, and on the flip side, many/some people with children see those without children as "heartless"

1/16/2014 12:14:37 PM

his point was that neither is a fair assessment

Quote :

"I think the term is "married people". Quit with the "society is oppressing us because of our lifestyle choice" nonsense. You're not a victim of anything. Live your life and move on."

People who choose not to have children also don't need to be married to be in a committed and long-term relationship, but I suppose that's another thread...

Quote :

"No need to convince others why you are doing what you are doing is the right way. Whatever path you choose is the right choice for you and that is how it should be."

I'd love to do this, but why then do people feel the need to ask "So, when are you two going to have kids?" and then badger me when I say that I'm not going to? Someone should teach these people some manners. I wouldn't feel the need to defend my choice at all if they didn't ask such a personal question.

[Edited on January 16, 2014 at 4:37 PM. Reason : .]

1/16/2014 4:35:52 PM

Quote :

" I'd love to do this, but why then do people feel the need to ask "So, when are you two going to have kids?" and then badger me when I say that I'm not going to? Someone should teach these people some manners. I wouldn't feel the need to defend my choice at all if they didn't ask such a personal question."

yup

[Edited on January 16, 2014 at 4:58 PM. Reason : specially if you're a girl, people just will not lay off]

1/16/2014 4:58:00 PM

Byrn Stuff:

Quote :

"It's important to remember that there's a difference between procreation and successful child-rearing. Also, I think the main issue with the "I'm pretty dope; I would have dope kids" mentality is that any potential child doesn't exist in a vacuum. You aren't the only influence. I feel well-adjusted for the most part, but my sisters have both had bouts with the crazy. Sometimes you get kids with unexpected issues, and sometimes the world changes your child. I think it'd be neat to have a child, show her cool shit, and teach her the best that I know; but the world would also get its say."

I completely agree and am a testament to that myself! Sometimes I have no idea how I turned out the way I did. I am completely opposite of my parents and siblings. Maybe it was too much cable TV when I was too young.

1/16/2014 10:57:36 PM

I support this thread. Not interested in the following: being pregnant, swollen tits, sleepless nights with squalling newborns, seeing my hard earned money go towards children instead of myself and my fiance, or paying my mortgage off in more than 20 years. I have an IUD rigged until 2018. I like the free time to spend on my hobbies, the money going into my retirement account, and the absence of stress I have from not having to parent.

I'm a nurse. I have animals. I garden. I have plenty of shit to take care of and get the nurturing urge out of my system. Having a child just because I'm considered slightly more educated and intelligent than the average American seems like a pretty flimsy reason for procreation.

Am I selfish? Absolutely not. Am I an awesome aunt? Yes. Do I like kiddos? Of course. I just don't have an interest in making more for this world.

2/6/2014 10:11:10 PM

i have no problem with people choosing not to have kids. it's the pretentious attitude some of those people throw in everyone's faces that is irritating.

2/6/2014 11:27:49 PM

so why do you click on this thread then?

I mean if you look at who's not having kids in here, you should be happy they aren't reproducing.

[Edited on February 7, 2014 at 9:51 AM. Reason : .]

2/7/2014 9:51:25 AM

A friend is pregnant and really excited about it. I have to try to hide being sad because I know they won't have time to be friends for much longer.

2/7/2014 10:01:50 AM

Quote :

"it's the pretentious attitude some of those people throw in everyone's faces that is irritating."

I find this attitude to be present more often in parents than in people without children, for example, "You're not a parent, you wouldn't understand," "Parenting is harder than any job you will ever have," etc. etc. THAT is irritating.

2/7/2014 10:33:35 AM

^^I think they will if you both may a conscious effort to spend time with another. In many ways, his/her time will be occupied by the baby, but it's still important to have contact with the outside world. Can you express to the person that you don't want him/her to disappear on you?

2/7/2014 12:04:13 PM

Quote :

"I find this attitude to be present more often in parents than in people without children, for example, "You're not a parent, you wouldn't understand," "Parenting is harder than any job you will ever have," etc. etc. THAT is irritating."

I don't find parenthood technically hard, however it is very time and energy (and money) consuming. When people talk about how hard parenting is, I don't think they are looking for pity or trying to throw something in someone's face, they are just making a statement. It is difficult. But it is one of those things you just won't understand unless you have one. And most parents on here can speak to the other side as well. We were married and childfree for 6 years prior to having our daughter. But if you're childfree, you'll never know what the other perspective is like.

2/7/2014 12:55:21 PM

Quote :

"But it is one of those things you just won't understand unless you have one."

No, I perfectly understand. It's one of the main reasons I'm not interested in having one. My wife and I are honest with ourselves about how selfish we are as individuals and as a married couple with our time and effort and whatever else. Adding a hard job of parenting to our existing stressful jobs does not interest us, i.e. we don't feel the benefits of a child outweigh the benefits of not having one.

2/7/2014 1:29:25 PM

So why are childfree people considered selfish by society? We give back to our communities. Popping out kids does not render one a selfless martyr.

2/7/2014 7:09:04 PM

Envy

Parents - at least ones that care, give up a lot for their kids. Childfree folks don't. Although some give up a lot for their pets.

2/7/2014 8:15:40 PM

Quote :

"so why do you click on this thread then?"

it's not just this thread... or just on TWW for that matter.

2/8/2014 3:51:19 PM

Quote :

"I support this thread. Not interested in the following: being pregnant, swollen tits, sleepless nights with squalling newborns, seeing my hard earned money go towards children instead of myself and my fiance, or paying my mortgage off in more than 20 years. I have an IUD rigged until 2018. I like the free time to spend on my hobbies, the money going into my retirement account, and the absence of stress I have from not having to parent. I'm a nurse. I have animals. I garden. I have plenty of shit to take care of and get the nurturing urge out of my system. Having a child just because I'm considered slightly more educated and intelligent than the average American seems like a pretty flimsy reason for procreation. Am I selfish? Absolutely not. Am I an awesome aunt? Yes. Do I like kiddos? Of course. I just don't have an interest in making more for this world."

lovely post, madame.

2/9/2014 10:19:07 AM

Quote :

"So why are childfree people considered selfish by society? We give back to our communities. Popping out kids does not render one a selfless martyr."

The positive work you do won't outweigh the negative done by folks that carelessly pump out 5 children, then neglect or abuse them all. Those kids will be statistically more likely to steal, rape, and murder.

I make no judgments whatsoever about "childfree", but it's really unfortunate to me that some of people that would make the best parents have no interest in being parents. I can't see this trend being a good thing for humanity.

Most of what we think of as evil is actually rooted in poor upbringing, save the insignificant portion of psychopaths that had loving parents but had genetic predisposition toward violence.

2/9/2014 7:26:34 PM

I've seriously started to consider getting the snip. Finally in my 30s, and still have no desire to ever be a father.

Approached my parents with this a couple months ago, and they were not pleased

2/10/2014 12:16:26 PM

My mom doesn't seem to care about grandkids and has never mentioned them to me. My dad never mentioned them either before he died.

I think my wife's parents are expecting grandkids and will probably be a little disappointed.

2/10/2014 1:28:39 PM

If you don't have kids make sure to REALLY plan for retirement. Your parents are gonna be dead when you get old, and nobody else is going to take care of you.

2/10/2014 1:31:53 PM

yeah, everyone who breeds can just piss away their money and then become a huge burden on their kids when they get old!

2/10/2014 1:47:40 PM

Having kids doesn't guarantee they will care for you when you are old, but it does guarantee you will have a lot less money saved for retirement.

2/10/2014 2:33:20 PM

Quote :

"I think my wife's parents are father is expecting grandkids and will probably be a little disappointed."

My mom knows we aren't having children and I think she's mildly okay with it. If they wanted to have grandchildren, they should have had more than one child. Although, if they had more than one child, I probably wouldn't be so selfish and might actually like babies and children...haha!

I, personally, think the whole family is more disappointed that they do not have a grandpuppy.

2/10/2014 3:28:48 PM

Quote :

"yeah, everyone who breeds can just piss away their money and then become a huge burden on their kids when they get old!"

Thats what my mother in law thinks.

2/10/2014 3:54:55 PM

My mom might try this, but I will give her the same deal they gave me in college. Zero money, and if you stay with me you have to pay more in rent than an apartment would cost. Only I don't have a dog of theirs to hold hostage and make the situation even.

2/11/2014 9:41:50 AM

Had the "no kids" discussion offhandedly with my mom the other day while she was in town, she was like "I have grand-animals to spoil the crap out of". (This is also the lady who showed up at the airport with gifts for the dogs).

Hasn't ever mentioned being excited to be a grandmother to human children, but has mentioned the camping trips she plans to take with the money she's saving up now for retirement.

My mom gets more awesome the older she gets. Thanks Mom!

2/11/2014 11:17:52 AM

Your mom sounds great. My in-laws are pretty great too, so I can't complain. At Christmas they buy toys for the cats, and got us a dog toy since we are fostering now.

2/11/2014 1:53:50 PM

^ My in-laws are currently distracted by my sister in law's pending birth, so all pressure from them has dissipated.

I think my parents just got tired of parenting in general (just booted the last one out of the house), so have no desire to deal with more of them. That, and they want to enjoy their lives and newfound money.

2/12/2014 6:12:46 PM

is it really that maddening to be asked if you're going to have kids?

it's like having a 5-year relationship with someone and having to hear questions about marriage... it's just the (traditionally) next step

2/12/2014 9:10:07 PM

Many people won't take no for an answer and keep on asking, or tell you that you will change your mind. That's when it gets annoying.

2/12/2014 9:21:53 PM

^ I find it sometimes annoying when people don't give up. My favorite sayings include:

"You'll change your mind"- No, I might change my mind about going out later tonight after work, or what I'm doing tomorrow morning. Pretty sure I've thought this one through.

"You just don't know what you're missing"- There are lots of other experiences in the world I'm also missing (seeing the Super Bowl live, going skydiving, or hiking to the North Pole), but you don't see people pushing me to do those now, do you?

"Who will take care of you when you're older?"- Pretty sure I'll use my extra money to arrange for that. I'm fully confident in the next generation of nurses. Barring that, robots.

2/14/2014 8:51:42 PM

Quote :

"is it really that maddening to be asked if you're going to have kids? it's like having a 5-year relationship with someone and having to hear questions about marriage... it's just the (traditionally) next step"

... and neither of these things is any of your business

I think the kids one is worse: what if the couple is infertile for some medical reason and you just ask them that? That's super rude.

figure out other small talk conversation starters that don't make the assumption that the other people are "traditional"

2/26/2014 12:56:55 PM

wow

such sensitive

much angry

leave me the hell alone with your inquiring

nothing babies

wow

2/26/2014 4:22:16 PM

i dont really understand people who get so touchy about such things. HOW DARE YOU ASK THIS ON THE OFF CHANCE i'M INFERTILE AND/OR MAY BE REALLY UPTIGHT ABOUT BEING CHILDLESS.

it is a topic that (again, traditionally) people are more than happy to talk about.

2/26/2014 5:42:31 PM

once or twice, fine


when the same people (co-workers, family, whatever) ask repeatedly, it gets old

2/26/2014 6:15:31 PM

Again, I could give two shits about what's traditional and what isn't

It's an invasive question

Just don't be surprised, upset or badger me when I say "We're not."

2/26/2014 6:33:46 PM

Quote :

"it is a topic that (again, traditionally) people are more than happy to talk about."

I actually don't find that to be the case anymore. It's not the 50s.

2/26/2014 6:49:11 PM

asking if someone is going to have kids is not an invasive question. what the fuck is wrong with you?

2/27/2014 10:22:48 AM

Maybe its because I know several couples who aren't able to have children...but I don't think it's polite and I never ask for that reason. You never know what someone's situation is and it can be a very emotional subject. Personally, I hate it when people ask us because then it usually leads to us talking about it later in private...which I'm trying to avoid at this time because we're not ready to have kids.

2/27/2014 10:32:31 AM

Quote :

"asking if someone is going to have kids is not an invasive question. what the fuck is wrong with you?"

It absolutely is. It's a decision that is absolutely none of your business and might be a point of contention between the couple that you don't need to get involved in. Things like money questions and family size, timing, etc. are none of your damn business.

2/27/2014 1:21:04 PM

I hate it even more when it's the first question people ask. Is the only thing that defines me as a person how many babies I'm going to shoot out of my vagina? Why not ask about where you live, career, hobbies, personal aspirations, travel plans, or something other than a biological function. The next person that asks me about kids first thing is going to get asked about their bathroom habits.

2/27/2014 1:41:56 PM

I'm borderline on asking the question.
Are you planning on.....
Is significantly better than
Why don't you.....

2/27/2014 1:43:33 PM

Quote :

"I hate it even more when it's the first question people ask. Is the only thing that defines me as a person how many babies I'm going to shoot out of my vagina? Why not ask about where you live, career, hobbies, personal aspirations, travel plans, or something other than a biological function. The next person that asks me about kids first thing is going to get asked about their bathroom habits. "

maybe they just aren't interested in those other details about you. also, just because it's the first question doesn't mean it's the only thing that defines you. you're just taking it way too personally. i know a guy that sells chill pills. want his number?

also, i wouldn't care if someone asked about my bathroom habits. who gives a shit?...oh wait. I do...in the bathroom. one of my habits.

2/27/2014 2:07:36 PM

kids are something that is very safe conversation if you have them. it is something people are excited about and (except deadbeats) very proud about. parents can talk about each others kids for a while. you may or may not get that with jobs. "oh you are a theoretical physicist....i work out walgreens. how bout that? let's chat!"

I don't really care that you guys do or don't want kids, I just think you are overdoing the "invasive question" portion of the discussion.

for example, i don't avoid asking someone if they want a drink. should i avoid that because they might have been a raging alcoholic in the past or had an abusive drunk father? i also don't mind probing politely if they so no. then again, perhaps yall hang around assholes that won't let something go. that gets more to ppl just being douches in general, not anything about the childfree vs nonchildfree camps.

[Edited on February 27, 2014 at 4:55 PM. Reason : .]

2/27/2014 4:54:56 PM

I think there's a pretty big difference in your drinking analogy. If someone asks you for a drink there can be a million reasons someone would say no and no one would think twice about it.

Saying you don't plan on having kids anytime soon or even at all usually elicits a "really?!". Could be a choice or could be something wrong biologically...but people often view it as something being wrong with you. Its just something I don't bring up.

2/27/2014 5:56:39 PM

you people are offended way too easily. it is a common question to which you can simply say "no" or "not now" or whatever.

2/27/2014 6:25:15 PM

My brother is dead. I don't get all indignant if someone asks if I have brothers or sisters.

2/27/2014 7:40:07 PM