When I was in second grade I had a friend named Joe who had the worst mom of all time, in helicopter mom terms. She was so overprotective that she once tried to sue the junior baseball league in our area because Joe had struck out one time and didn't get to run the bases.

During lunchtime at my elementary school, you got your lunch sooner if your last name was higher up in the alphabet. His last name was Adams and he always got lunch first, however when we entered 3rd grade they changed the system so you got lunch dependent on your first name. Since his name was "Joe" he was somewhere in the middle.

Joe didn't give a shit. He was a very laid back kid for a 3rd grader, he wasn't really hyper like the other kids and he wasn't a crybaby either. Now that I think about it, he was quite mature, in fact he was happy that he wasn't first anymore so now he wasn't always done with his lunch first.

The first few weeks of 3rd grade were fun, then somehow I guess Joe let it slip that he was no longer first in the lunch line anymore to his mom. His mom flipped the fuck out and LEGALLY CHANGED HIS NAME TO "ADAM". His name was now legally Adam Adams. Why? All so he could be first in the lunch line.

The only time I ever saw Joe/Adam cry was because of this, he came to school crying the day when he got his name changed 3rd graders being 3rd graders... everyone made fun of him for his new, ridiculous name which ended up making him cry even more.

I was a very shy 3rd grader, but I felt absolutely terrible for Joe, my 3rd grade brain decided I had to do something about it. He was at the front of the lunch line for a few weeks and then his mom came to pick him up from school for a doctors appointment or something, I don't even remember. But I remember that I walked up to his mom and said in my high squeaky 3rd grade voice, "Why did you change Joe's name? He doesn't like being called 'Adam'"

Unsurprisingly, this sent Joe's mom in a rage. The teacher was out of class making copies or something so she wasn't there to defend me. Joe's mom started screaming at me telling me that Joe was very happy with his new name and that I know nothing about her son. This set off some little bomb in me and I remember screaming at her back telling her that she was a terrible mommy and she should be sad that she makes Joe so upset.

The class was dead silent other than me and her yelling at each other, a few kids started crying and to be honest I was a pussy in 3rd grade (still am) and I started crying while I was yelling at her too.

The teacher must have heard, she came running into the classroom worrying what was going on. She asked Mrs. Adams what she was doing in the classroom and ordered her to come out in the hall to sort things out, Mrs. Adams then started screaming at her and me saying that I was a little shit who thinks I know more than she does. My teacher ordered me into the hall too so everyone could talk things over.

Meanwhile Joe's sitting in his seat reading while everyone else was scared and worried about what was happening, this has nothing to do with the story, I just included it because I still think it's pretty badass that he didn't give a damn.

Anyways, we go out in the hall with my teacher obviously furious, me more scared than I'd ever been in my life, and Mrs. Adams who can't shut her mouth.

My teacher tries to calm Mrs. Adams and tries to convince her to tell her side of the story. She does. Then she tells me to tell my side of the story (Which I can't do because Mrs. Adams interrupts me every few words). While my teacher is standing there thinking about what to do Mrs. Adams just breaks down and starts crying her eyes out.

I was shocked, as was my teacher at this, when asked what's wrong Mrs. Adams tell us (more specifically my teacher, I just happened to be there) about how she was abused and neglected as a child and she just wanted to make Joe feel important and loved. After about 10 minutes of her crying and ranting about this subject I started to feel pretty bad. I'd cooled down by now and I felt so guilty and bad because I'd never stood up to an authority figure before.

I'm standing awkwardly listening while Mrs. Adams tells my teacher her whole life story. When she's done, she looks over at me and says, "I'm sorry I got mad at you, I don't know if you were listening to what I told your teacher, but I'm so sorry for yelling at you, I just want Joe to be happy."

Surprised at her sudden change of heart, I decided to apologize too for getting mad at her. She told me something like, "You have the right to be mad at me, and if what you say is true so does Joe, I just need you to be nice to Joe please."

3rd grade me doesn't really care about her feelings so I say, "Ok" and try to walk back to class, before I can open the door she says, "Wait, I need one more thing?" Kind of annoyed, I ask, "What do you need?" "I need about tree fiddy"

It was around this time I realized Mrs. Adams was 7 stories tall and a crustacean from the paleolithic era. That damned Loch Ness Monster had gotten me again! "Damnit, Monstah, I ain't given you no tree fiddy" I yelled as she swam away.

Joe moved after that and I never saw Mrs. Adams or Joe again. But I have the feeling that she's still an overprotective bitch and will always be one.


tl;dr: Friend's mom is an overprotective bitch, I get mad at her for being an overprotective bitch.

5/5/2014 5:13:49 PM

5/5/2014 5:34:50 PM

5/5/2014 6:26:27 PM