Yup, Even without the drama I'd still take the cash. I never had the princess for a day fantasy.

If my boyfriend does talk me into it expect some crazy story about the when and where.

7/21/2008 11:23:03 AM

Is it more common now for the parents not to pay anything and the couple to handle the costs?

7/21/2008 11:24:21 AM

gah, i hope i don't go through this with my wedding...seems like it's much more effort than it's worth for one day of being stuck in a damn tux

7/21/2008 11:24:59 AM

It is now that children expect multi-thousand dollar weddings.

7/21/2008 11:25:15 AM

Yup, or for the parents to only pay for their own church (=free), clearance scratch and dent or home made FLDS style dress, and hamburgers and hotdogs.

7/21/2008 11:26:41 AM

Quote :

"gah, i hope i don't go through this with my wedding...seems like it's much more effort than it's worth for one day of being stuck in a damn tux"

Elope. Seriously, save the money for more important things. Just accept that it'll never be as cool as what I'll do if the boyfriend is ever able to talk me into it (might have to because of health insurance sadly).

7/21/2008 11:29:29 AM

I guess I just always thought people loved weddings. My mom whipped out a binder she'd put together about wedding stuff a day after we announced our engagment. She even wants to throw a "man's shower" for the guys...with beer,and ribs, and presents...

Even if the wedding cost the price of a few hamburgers form mcdonalds, I still think his parents would find something to whine about.

7/21/2008 11:30:20 AM

i'd skip the wedding and put that money into a house

and then have a phat bbq and invite everyone

[Edited on July 21, 2008 at 11:32 AM. Reason : +]

7/21/2008 11:30:38 AM

I got married last year. In the previous 2 years, my mom and dad finished paying off all my student loans, cosigned on my first house, lost $100k on paper on their house, etc etc. No way was I considering asking for anything. I think my mom said she'd spend like $1,000 on a BBQ, we did that and ended up splitting it. It was a ton of fun for everyone, too.

I wish we would have done something more memorable and traditional, but the OP's stories make me kind of happy we didn't.

7/21/2008 11:33:33 AM

Quote :

"I guess I just always thought people loved weddings. My mom whipped out a binder she'd put together about wedding stuff a day after we announced our engagment. She even wants to throw a "man's shower" for the guys...with beer,and ribs, and presents..."

That would freak me the fuck out.

Weddings are NOT about the couple, it's the wedding the mother of the bride wished she'd had. And I'm sure as hell not gonna like whatever twisted fantasy my mom has about that shit.

sd2nc is lucky, my parents only paid their expected contribution freshman year. They even bitched like hell about having to sign as a guarantor for an apartment I rented and they knew I had enough in the bank to pay for the rent for the whole lease.

[Edited on July 21, 2008 at 11:37 AM. Reason : ...]

7/21/2008 11:36:01 AM

I had a 50% scholly and worked though

7/21/2008 11:37:22 AM

Yeah, I had a scholarship and worked my ass off to pay my own way. Had to transfer to UNC because it was cheaper than where I went freshman year, couldn't afford to pay for the other school myself.

7/21/2008 11:38:58 AM

No, I had a worse life!

7/21/2008 11:39:51 AM

Please do tell.

Hearing about shitty lives makes me feel better. I think I'm gonna have to take some time off grad school and get a part time job.

7/21/2008 11:42:12 AM

taxpayers pay for my grad school...w00t.

7/21/2008 11:43:04 AM

^^imo you got your life on track...i wouldnt guess you have a shitty life

[Edited on July 21, 2008 at 11:43 AM. Reason : .]

7/21/2008 11:43:29 AM

why don't you make your own thread and bitch about it there, lewoods. Please, we ALL want to hear about your travesty called a life.

in reference to the original thread

Quote :

"My parents offered to throw a rehersal picnic at their house, which I'd be completely happy with. I'll probably just tell his parents that I understand that they are unable to afford the time and the money for the dinner, and that my parents will be hosting instead and just tell them to show up."

That sounds a hell of a lot better than Applebee's. Have you even eaten at an Applebee's recently?

7/21/2008 11:46:13 AM

Quote :

"taxpayers pay for my grad school...w00t."

That was my gig until I got sick and kicked off the money tree because I was taking too much time out of the lab for medical shit, basically not working 60 hours a week.

What really fucking pisses me off is I ASKED to go without pay this summer, knew I'd have to go to lots of appointments and shit. Adviser said to not worry. Now that it's fall and I have to pay $3k for tuition that I wouldn't have had to in the summer he decides to not pay me. Yeah, I am pissed off. Adviser didn't listen to me and it's costing me $3k.

7/21/2008 11:48:04 AM

There's so much hoopla involved in weddings these days that I've come to think of them more of a hassle than a time of enjoyment. Bachelor parties, wedding showers, rehearsal dinners, parties after rehearsal dinners, wedding, wedding reception, honeymoon, engagement parties, etc. (I know I'm leaving out things, because I know there are more events, but I think they're so fucking random that I can't even remember them).

And the thing is, its not only a pain in the ass for the bride/groom and their families to pay for and put together, its a fucking hassle for all the people you invite to basically take a week out of their lives to set aside so they can go to like four parties, pay for dresses/tuxes, and take time off of work/cancel shit they have planned.

I live in Charleston, which is friggin wedding capital of the South. I also know a lot of rich kids down here, and there seems to be a wedding every other weekend...and its ridiculous the shit that goes on and the time/money put into it.

Honestly...I could care less whenever I get to that point. Whatever the future-wifey wants, she can have. But if it gets even close to what you're going through, I'm gonna sit down and have the "We don't need this shit" talk. But if she is hard-headed and wants to go through with it, then to each her own, and she can deal with it herself (well at least the bridesmaid shit...she won't have a problem with my family, because all I have is a mom, and she's fallen in love with every girl I've ever dated).

My sister had one small rehearsal dinner on a Friday night, a short, medium-sized 30-minute wedding, and a decent sized reception that was done by 11pm on Saturday night. It was perfect. Not too much...but what was done, was done very well. The rehearsal dinner was great, the church was beautiful, and the food and DJ at the reception were awesome. Everyone was happy, not too stressed out, and had a good time.

That's the way it should be.

7/21/2008 11:52:32 AM

didn't lewoods want to start a class action lawsuit against the airline that safely got her home when there was smoke in the plane? i'm finding some of her advice humorous and ironic but wasn't sure.

7/21/2008 12:27:17 PM

I asked about one. Took me 36 hours to get where I was going, had to stay in a nasty moldy motel room (am allergic to mold). Received ZERO compensation, and it was the worst experience of my life. Not even so much as an APOLOGY out of those fucking pricks. Stress and lack of sleep did very bad things to my health, possibly causing a treatment I was undergoing to fail.

If it was an engine going out it wouldn't have been a problem.

7/21/2008 12:31:07 PM

I noticed that you mention that you would think that his parents would *want* to do these things for their son.

Ask yourself this question, "why WOULDN'T they want to do these things for their son?"
Perhaps it has to do with the approach.

Make the personal visit to Charlotte (ALONE) and talk to mother in law. Don't be defensive. Just listen. Tell her "I am feeling a little_______fill in the blank about the way _______is going" Say it however you want but make sure you start it with "I am feeling"--because that shows ownership of your feelings- if you rip into her "YOU should pay for the postage, YOU should host the rehearsal dinner" she is likely to respond defensively.

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT engage in any ultimatum setting agenda (either with fiance or w/his parents). I echo the other posters- this is not a good way to start off together.

A wedding is one day out of your life. Life isn't perfect. Your marriage won't be perfect. Why should a wedding be perfect?

7/21/2008 12:42:35 PM

oooh...and a lurker weighs in

7/21/2008 12:43:52 PM

i feel like the groom needs to step up

7/21/2008 12:44:21 PM

^ No. This is clearly between her and the MIL. Involve fiance and you are basically telling him- you make the choice HER or ME. Not good.

If OP won't or doesn't want to confront MIL then I say suck it up and keep quiet. You do what you need to do from your end and if she doesn't ante up from hers than oh well.


Does your fiance have an uncle or cousin that you like who could approach MIL about the subject?




[Edited on July 21, 2008 at 12:50 PM. Reason : .]

[Edited on July 21, 2008 at 12:53 PM. Reason : .]

7/21/2008 12:47:22 PM

i think mermaidz has the best advice thus far. i also think that another good option would be to just say that your family has offered to do a picnic that more people could attend and that you were thinking about going that route instead (and you can say it is to save money or to be able to invite more guests, etc that way you aren't blaming anything on them). honestly i'd rather do a picnic in my backyard than have a rehearsal dinner at applebee's. but thats just me.

i also realize that no one is entitled to a rehearsal dinner etc, but from the sound of her posts it doesn't seem like she feels entitled and it doesn't seem like the parents of the groom are trying to do anything but be purposefully difficult. it'd be different if like they really couldn't do something and had tried and had been nice, but it seems like they are just being difficult because they can. i mean they're talking about not being able to afford things and then adding 30 more people to the guest list? that has to be a big chunk of someone's change.

7/21/2008 12:56:05 PM

It's kinda obvious that his parents are upset with you marrying their son. If they're rich and white, they're probably upset that he's marrying a foreigner ( you being asian ). I'm only stating the obvious.

also...

Quote :

"I'm not going to waste off my dream wedding because his parents are douchebags"

you keep saying you dont feel entitled to money from them and yet you call them douchebags for not helping you pay for your dream wedding.

Wedding or not, your love for this guy isnt going to change. Take anything they offer and dont put yourself into debt for a wedding.

7/21/2008 1:01:43 PM

i thought she was from NJ

7/21/2008 1:08:42 PM

The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery.............

7/21/2008 1:14:55 PM

If you're not too busy, drive to charlotte and spend the day with them. How hard is that? Oh and pick up whatever it is you need to pick up.

[Edited on July 21, 2008 at 1:16 PM. Reason : .]

7/21/2008 1:16:09 PM

Quote :

"he definetly needs to do something about it.. not you."

7/21/2008 2:01:05 PM

I would be terrified of going to Charlotte on my own. Last time we went his parents sat infront of us and argued between themselves for about 2 hours, until the dad got up and left and shut himself in the office until we left. I can only imagine how long it will take he cops to find my body if I went at his mother alone.

And I feel I am entitled to be happy on my wedding, whether because it's generous offers from parents or friends, my own hard work, or because my mom and dad are excited since I'm the only girl in the family. I wouldn't care if they offered to just buy us a 6 pack of beer and a few pizzas for our friends, it's the attitude and the nastiness they're putting into purposely shoving money, costs, and unimportance of our wedding in our faces.

7/21/2008 4:46:56 PM

The only people involved with weddings who enjoy the process are the vendors who are raking in the cash. I don't know of another single aspect of life that can stir up as much drama and ill will.

7/21/2008 5:01:20 PM

Quote :

"So we finally beat them into doing it"

No wonder they only offered you Applebees for 25 people. If you were my son's fiance you wouldn't get anything.

Your future in laws are in no way, shape, or form required to throw you a rehearsal dinner. If you don't like the one they are planning, throw your own.

7/21/2008 5:04:49 PM

Quote :

"The only people involved with weddings who enjoy the process are the vendors who are raking in the cash. I don't know of another single aspect of life that can stir up as much drama and ill will."

This thread just got pwned.

7/21/2008 5:04:54 PM

Excuse me, I do not rake in cash.

7/21/2008 5:05:39 PM

If you don't then go work at Sears portait studio. Bottom line is you make more than you would there, so that's why you do weddings. Everything for them is obscenely expensive.

7/21/2008 5:08:42 PM

Quote :

"i'd skip the wedding and put that money into a house and then have a phat bbq and invite everyone"

7/21/2008 5:18:50 PM

good lord
I really hate the "omg you think YOUR life is bad, wait until you hear about MINE" bullshit in this thread
throw a pity party at your house and spare us the drivel

7/21/2008 5:30:01 PM

Just call off the entire wedding. It's obviously more drama than it's worth, odds are that you'll be divorced within 3 years anyway, and blowing all this time and money on one day of your life is completely illogical.

[/defeatist]

[Edited on July 21, 2008 at 6:02 PM. Reason : blah]

7/21/2008 6:00:22 PM

cddweller-no offense meant. my wife is a photographer. some people do charge obscene amounts and get people to pay it, though.

7/21/2008 6:07:28 PM

guys weddings are expensive and filled with drama-just like girls. deal. This MIL is just like my mom. there is no rationale and she only thinks of herself. Why do you think she had you do all that stuff for you? she probably thinks you are the help and she can walk all over you (no offense my mom thinks I'M the help --last week she was mad as shit cause she couldn't understand why I won't drive 40 min. to ral. to move a car so she doesn't have to climb in the passenger seat to get to the driver's side (and procceded to tell me what a selfish person I am for 30 min))
Ask you fiance why he thinks she is doing this. You might want to approach the dad, sometimes they are the pillar of reason. Also I think having a BBQ is a better option and more fun than her drama. (if they are wealthy, have your fiance complain to his parents about what THEIR friends will think if it is at applebees-there must be some vanity in there)

7/21/2008 6:40:52 PM

any updates today?

7/22/2008 10:41:14 AM

Quote :

"i'd skip the wedding and put that money into a house and then have a phat bbq and invite everyone"

honestly, this is the way to go...who gives a rat's ass about expensive dresses and tuxes and flowers and family drama? have a pig pickin'!

7/22/2008 10:42:46 AM

Quote :

"they're German"

[/thread]

Seriously, Germans can be some stingy motherfuckers. My grandmother is German and she amazes me with her stinginess and stubbornness sometimes. And my German aunt isn't much better.

And I'd tell my fiance fuck it if the rehearsal dinner is going to be Applebee's. I'd rather just do a picnic lunch out in on Lake Bond or something instead. That would be a lot less tacky than Applebee's.

7/22/2008 8:59:44 PM

Fiance got an e-mail from Dad asking if we needed any $ for our beach trip this week (?). We then realized, looking back...100% of any problems are with his mom.

He called his dad and we're waiting for them to call back so he can have "the talk."

7/23/2008 5:13:25 PM

You're being just as judgemental as your future MIL, in my opinion. I mean, I read through the other thread about your bridesmaids and now this one about the MIL...and I see one common factor....you.

Perhaps you should stop being victimized and stand up for yourself in a respectful way. There's nothing wrong with stating how you feel(using I statements as mermaidz suggested) but you refuse to have any sort of confrontation and it hasn't gotten you very far yet.

7/23/2008 6:04:08 PM

This thread should just me called, "More reasons not to get married."

7/23/2008 6:18:27 PM

^ lol true

7/24/2008 2:23:47 AM

you know, i thought it was tradition that the bride's family pay for the wedding.

7/24/2008 2:27:42 AM