Quote :

"Ask for their blessing, not their permission"

9/6/2006 3:07:22 PM

my fiance didn't ask, partially because he didn't know how my dad would feel, and partially because he's from up north and they didn't practice that tradition.

we asked for our families' blessings, and got it.

9/6/2006 4:51:32 PM

Permission, blessing, whatever. It's a nod to all the relationships that are about to change.

I would be very suprised if he didn't speak to my father about it - not out tradition, respect, or seeking approval, but because
1) he knows how close my father and I are
2) he and my father get along GREAT
BUT - I also don't expect it. That might be because I know he will anyways
Yes, marriage is about you two, but a significant part of each spouse's life is family. You're not bound to them quite the way she is, but families aren't a pick-and-choose package. You get her, and very often, you get them. Sure, there are situations where her family are totally immaterial, but that's less common.

9/6/2006 5:09:59 PM

All I know is I better not have a damn clue! And I pick up on things very easily so the guy BETTER BE GOOD at keeping secrets.

My mom will be excited either way and my dad? He's dead to me.

9/6/2006 5:12:21 PM

I asked both of my fiance's parents.

9/6/2006 5:25:11 PM

Quote :

"When you marry someone you're also marrying their family, like it or not."

Bullshit. I fully plan on moving to the opposite side of the globe so I never have to see my family again.

9/6/2006 5:31:26 PM

Tip, ask tww about serious issues like marriage for a quality life

9/6/2006 5:32:39 PM

My brother does not get along with his in-laws and they live a mile away from him and his family. It is absolutely no secret that they are often at odds with one another an have a long list of disagreements over things like how they treat his wife and they way they think he should raise his daughter. Even though they don't get along and rarely agree with one another, his marriage has not really suffered for it. He and his wife have been happily married for 17 years and I doubt they would have done things differently.

Getting along with your in-laws is a beautiful thing, but does not mean that you're going to have an awful marriage or even a rough time. That's what they made distance for. Personally, I would not have moved right under my in-laws like my brother did, but they've been very involved and helpful grandparents. For my husband and I, living 3 hours from one set of in-laws and 2 hours from the other set is just great for us. [We're not crazy about each other's mothers.]

9/6/2006 6:36:07 PM

I could've sworn I answered a thread like this about a year ago...

I got engaged about 13 months ago (I got married a week & a half ago, and am currently on my honeymoon!! ) and went through the traditional steps.

We're both Christians, and always felt it was simply respectful to ask the father (I actually spoke with both her parents). Keep in mind we'd been dating for about 4 years when I asked her folks, so they both knew it was coming eventually, which made things easy since it wasn't a surprise.

But they both were very grateful that I came to them before proposing, even though they expected it, and I feel it was well worth it. Get up your nerves and go for it, if nothing else the dad will gain some respect for you, and that's priceless considering he'll be your father-in-law.

Good luck!!

And:

Quote :

"Bullshit. I fully plan on moving to the opposite side of the globe so I never have to see my family again."

Good luck on that; you marry a family unless your wife-to-be hates her family and can't wait to get away (read: this is SERIOUSLY unlikely). We moved 7 hours west (driving distance) and it's going to be awesome to be away, but you can bet we'll still see the families at least 2-3 times per year, and keep in contact in the meantime, whether we like it or not.

[Edited on September 6, 2006 at 6:52 PM. Reason : .]

9/6/2006 6:50:23 PM

Ok so tdub will be the LAST place I am seen when on my honeymoon but congrats to you either way.

9/6/2006 7:20:28 PM

Quote :

"I think I'll do it again the next time I get married."

ftw

9/6/2006 9:51:16 PM

rjrumfel asked talked to both my parents, and they were still quite excited when I told them. They didnt know when or how he was going to propose.

9/6/2006 10:32:03 PM

Yea getting along with the in-laws can really make your life a living hell. Especially when family is close by. My mother-in-law is kinda bi-polar and can go for weeks being nice and then turn around and not fucking talk to me for weeks on end. I don't really let it bother me anymore, as long as they don't come to my house that I own and talk shit. Her stepfather made the mistake of doing that one time when we moved and I told him to get the fuck off of my property. (My family helped get all the shit into the house but didn't have the time to help us get it all positioned where my wife wanted. Then her stepfather came over the next night bitching about it what a shit job they did when he didn't lift a damn finger to help because he was drinking and watching football.) Plus my grandparents live about 3 houses down so I have family nearby too.

But yea controlling parents that don't always get along can really fuck with a situation. My wife and I are planning to move a few hours from here so we don't have to deal with this bullshit. The economic difference also can make it a problem when one parent is borrowing money off of you and might spend $200 on Christmas for you and the other family drops $1k+ every year on new furniture, china, etc. come Christmas time. We don't really care, its the thought that count, but I sometimes think her mom wishes she married a poorer family too so they wouldn't feel inadequate.

9/6/2006 10:42:23 PM

The thing with economic differences is both parties need to realize and respect the differences. The one with more money shouldn't look down on the other for struggling to keep bills paid or not being as well off as them. While the poorer family should just try their best and accept that fact. I think you can find a happy medium as long as both parties are openminded. There are more important things in life than the amount in your bank account.

9/6/2006 10:46:11 PM

Yea well my family doesn't worry about it. The wifey and I don't either. Its the "poorer" family that sees it as an issue. I guess they think we don't appreciate what they do as much when my folks are the ones that help us out financially, etc. Thats where the problems arise.

9/6/2006 10:48:36 PM

Oh yeah I know that issue. My bfs family is supporting financially right now while we get settled here and I have to beg and beg for help on a silly car bill form my parents. That kind of stress is frustrating.

9/6/2006 10:51:35 PM

Quote :

"im confused, you say "yes", it matter when someone does it, but then you say "If you want to do it, knock yourself out." "

I meant that in my case I wouldn't want the guy to ask my parents' permission or blessing or whatever. It's my decision, not my parents'. However, people are going to do whatever they want, and if you want to ask the girl's parents, go for it.

I never said that I was actually engaged to my parents, I just hinted around. The first person I called was my best friend. And then I eloped. So I'm probably the least traditional person posting in this thread.

9/6/2006 11:27:12 PM

if you want to continue tradition with that old "ask permission" crap......then the bride's dad can continue the tradition of a dowry, or pay for the entire wedding.

9/7/2006 10:24:22 AM

Quote :

"seems kind of stupid not to marry a girl you love, because her parents don't like you."

seems kind of myopic to think that a marriage just about you and your wife/husband.

9/7/2006 2:08:27 PM

Quote :

"seems kind of myopic to think that a marriage just about you and your wife/husband."

I think you and your wife/husband make the marriage not your families. When you have kids how much say are your in-laws or your parents have in raising your kids, buying your home, looking for pre-schools. Come on get real, you look towards your wife on these decisions, so yes your marriage revolves mostly around your wife/husband.

9/8/2006 9:48:16 AM

Quote :

"I think you and your wife/husband make the marriage not your families. When you have kids how much say are your in-laws or your parents have in raising your kids, buying your home, looking for pre-schools. Come on get real, you look towards your wife on these decisions, so yes your marriage revolves mostly around your wife/husband."

page two and your still at it man - get a fucking clue

9/8/2006 9:51:15 AM

Then there's holidays, family get-togethers, kids visiting the grandparents, caring for aging parents, etc.

If you have shitty family values, then my point is moot, but if you and your spouse are close to your families, and there's a strained relationship between in-laws, that's the type of shit that tears a family apart.

I'm not selfish enough to make someone i love have to choose between me and her family, and any woman who would put me in that position doesn't really love me either.

But hey, a lot of TV shows and romance novels prove otherwise, so who am I kidding?

9/8/2006 9:55:44 AM

what if just the mom is in the picture?

9/8/2006 10:12:04 AM

then obviously it only applies to the mom.

9/8/2006 10:21:41 AM

My sister's fiancee went to my mom, my dad, my stepdad, my grandmother, my grandfather's grave, and to me to ask permission and talk about how much he loved my sister and how much she meant to him before he asked her to marry him.

That guy is the fucking shit.

9/8/2006 10:56:48 AM

And...

Quote :

"you figure the one of the best things about getting engaged is the look on her face, the excitement and her getting to call the family to tell them teh good news. you wouldnt want them to just be sitting there saying, wow, way to go, we knew all along..."

I wouldn't worry about that. She will probably have expected you to do this already and/or is happy that you asked for permission/blessing. I promise the last thing she cares about is the fact that her parents knew before she did.

9/8/2006 11:03:31 AM

Peakseeker obviously has all the answers and his opinions are the most logical. Or maybe we should take advice from a someone whose balls have dropped and has an opinion that has no influence from mommy and daddy.

9/8/2006 11:22:42 AM