The time was fall 2019. I hadn't seen a really good motion picture in what felt like years. Don't get me started on those goddamn marvel movies. Zzzzz. Suddenly, there were THREE movies that looked amazing coming out in October: The Lighthouse, Parasite, and Joker. Parasite would turn out to be my favorite by far, but at the time I was mad hyped about all three trailers. Hyped for months.

I had recently become obsessed with Alamo Drafthouse too. I had no clue about this place until a few weeks earlier. The first time I showed up I actually got kicked out for being 15 minutes late. Getting kicked out only made it seem cooler, an exclusive little club where they tell you to STFU if you don't follow the rules. And the food/beer was banging.

So the night of Joker it's just me and my favorite buckaroo going to see a movie, you know, like in the olden times. We start out at the bar and pregame it a little. Now, I hadn't eaten anything all day. Nothing. I think I was trying to diet or something. Four beers in and I'm vibing. And these are some delicious ass craft beers too.

We start watching the movie and it's a bit slow. Sure there's some quasi-interesting character development, you got this creepy ass Wakeeen Pheonix motherfucker looking like Christian Bale in the Machinist but more socially inept I guess. Lots of cringe but no action. I'm waiting for the part where Joker is like THE JOKER and not some sad little clown man with an ironic name. I wanted to see the red suit. Maybe they'll throw in a dance number like Joker in the 1989 film BATMAN. Anyway, it doesn't matter because I'm having a delicious ass chicken sandwich and nachos and nacho cheese and some more beer. Maybe I did 3000 calories in thirty minutes.

There's always that dilemma about halfway through a movie. You've got to piss real bad. You don't want to miss something, but you also don't want to be uncomfortable for another hour. I really wanted to enjoy the last half of the movie (the good part, presumably), so I said fuck it. As I walk out, staring back at the screen as I go, I almost run into a guy coming back into the theater carrying a bucket of popcorn. Phew.

The clock is ticking and I don't want to miss more than 30 seconds of this film. So I'm running to one of those nice single occupancy bathrooms Alamo has. I start pissing, I gotta fart too, let's multitask to save time right?

Right then, that's when I shit my pants.

Now, I'm not talking a little dry turd popping out. This is a stream of hot, liquid shit exploding out of my ass much like that hot, liquid nacho cheese I had so recently consumed.

At this point I am fucking panicking. Because I might be missing more than 30 seconds of this movie. Even though I was sozzled, I needed to come up with a plan fast.

OK, think. Toss the boxers. That'll do it. Just chunk 'em in the bin. No one will be the wiser.

And I'm thinking that's a pretty good plan. Until I look down and... there is... can't be.. but there it is. There's shit on the floor. I am wearing jeans and somehow there is shit on the floor. Containment breach.

The next stage was me on the floor, on my hand and knees in a cinema public bathroom, bare ass exposed (remember: I just tossed my boxers), blitzed enough where I probably couldn't walk in a straight line, furiously scrubbing -like Cinderella- scrubbing the literal shit out of my denim with wet paper towels. For like 20 minutes. I thought maybe I could deal with the wet jeans, but at the end of the day they were just too smelly. It's sorta like how a drop of spilled beer smells more like beer than a glass of beer. For some reason, despite my valiant scrubbing efforts I still smelled awful. I debated going back in regardless...

Nah, I abandoned my bud, waddled out of there with my hoodie draped as low as it could possibly go, and drove home. And I never went back. Presumably I am banned for life. So that's how I spent like $70 to watch half of Joker.

A few days later I watched Joker all the way through, no shit.

And it sucked. I hated it.

[Edited on November 6, 2020 at 11:07 PM. Reason : poop]

11/6/2020 10:50:54 PM

I’m sure everyone will take the time to read all of that. I assume it’s the story of how you got some scars?

11/7/2020 7:29:04 AM

Cool story, bro!

11/7/2020 7:44:37 AM

I'm sorry you shit your pants. My condolences.

11/7/2020 8:06:08 AM

Crosspost to r/TIFU.

11/7/2020 8:30:06 AM

robert de niro dies in the end.

11/7/2020 8:57:31 PM

I hope you're wearing your shitting pants

11/8/2020 1:08:06 PM