Many of you know that I was living abroad for the past ca. 7 years with my son and ex wife. Despite the fact that we went through a ton of drama, including her getting knocked up while we were still married, we stayed close as co-parents. We talked on the phone everyday and respected each other. Co-parents on TWW should understand.

Honestly, my plan was to stay in Europe with him, but my employment contract that I had with a pharma company in Frankfurt unexpectedly got rejected at the last minute, and I was pretty much forced to leave. Sure, I could have stayed, but I would have "illegally extended my residence", as a lawyer told me.

So, for the last month of my residence in Europe, we hung out every day as a family. Just her and my kid, despite the fact that she already had a new baby daddy and plans to marry. She took me to the airport, and we all cried the entire day. She swore that she would never take my son away from me and that I would stay a part of his life.

Then, I come back to the US and the lawyers get involved. She stops talking to me. I file a report to social services in Essen to declare that I no longer have contact with my son, and they visit her. She decides to get him a phone, as a compromise, but that it must stay under control of the baby daddy because she does not want to communicate with me. I agree because, what choice do I have?

He calls me now like twice a month. Baby Daddy is always standing next to him. I have sent her over 450 Euros per month in child support, many emails for updates or even just photos regarding him. I have gone to American lawyers, his school in Essen, the fuckin US State Department, just so that I could have an update on his life. Still, nothing from her or other parties involved. It is up to the German courts now, because I signed a custody agreement when we split up, and people don't want to interfere with my custody agreement "until it has been finalized". In the meantime, not one email, photo, or update from her or the baby daddy on how he's doing. I just have to hope that my 7 year old son calls me once or twice a month.

It's holiday season, and I get a bit frustrated. I just want an update about him since I haven't seen him in the past 6 months. So, I ask my sister, "hey, could you just email her and ask for some recent photos of him and an update on his life. Just say that it's for a collage that you're making for our mom."

Within minutes she responds to my sister's email with eight very recent pics and an update on how he is doing. That is a simple goal that I have been trying to accomplish over the past 5 months, but she couldn't care less. I am just some horrible father now, according to the lawyers, so she has to play the part.

Isn't that sad?

[Edited on December 5, 2019 at 3:20 AM. Reason : a]

12/5/2019 3:17:13 AM

There is no way on Earth I'm reading that. I'm just dropping in to tell you that you have a pathological relationship with the Wolf Web and should take some time off.

***Official Ignore BanjoMan 2019 Thread***

Please reply with, "Log off, BanjoMan" if you'd like to participate.

12/5/2019 6:15:57 AM

It's always sad when a parent is willing to manipulate the kids like this.

What is the nature of this custody agreement? Sure hindsight is 20/20, but I can't imagine signing away my children to someone who cheated on me.

12/5/2019 6:23:30 AM

yes, BanjoMan sucks

but fuck you FroshKiller

the man is dealing with some serious shit

12/5/2019 6:46:30 AM

^missed the point

12/5/2019 8:51:25 AM

As a parent, that is gut wrenching. I'd go ballistic if that happened to me and, honestly, wouldn't be far form doing something stupid. But as I'm sure you are doing I would refrain because that is exactly the mistake they're hoping for.

My sister in law married a guy who has a daughter and this sort of shit happens to them all the time. The mom offers no flexibility to the father but guilts him into taking the kid for every time she and her new husband have some conflict (usually a vacation they want to go on). She'll even refuse to take her daughter to after school activities (dance, girl scouts, etc) because she and her husband need down time. She lives about 15 minutes away from school and such, while the father lives 40 minutes.

After all of that, the mother also constantly putting thoughts in the daughter's head about why she'll no longer be important once her father has a new kid.

I feel for you. I really do. Because that sort of thing would push me to the brink.

12/5/2019 1:47:51 PM

That is a major clusterfuck.

Seems like your only chance is to get back there somehow. They seem to be fine with cutting the kid out of your life otherwise.

Either that or start over with a new woman and try to have a normal family.

12/5/2019 2:27:26 PM

Quote :

"What is the nature of this custody agreement? "

I know that people hate it when I pull the back in Europe card, but....

This happened while I was in Germany, and this was my first experience with divorce and custody issues. Despite the fact that all parties involved are American, we had been living there for several years at this point and she had every intention to stay in Europe. So, we did this under their rules.

In Germany, based on my understanding and knowledge that I have obtained from multiple different sources and lawyers, things such as cheating or affairs don't play any major role in terms of custody. If she wants a divorce, she gets a divorce. Custody issues with children are primarily given to social services after the separation, and then social services writes their recommendation to the judge. Yes, lawyers eventually work to lay out the terms, but social services deals and handles most of the back and forth.

When I found out about the baby daddy, I confronted her about it but told her that she'd always been a great mom, and I am fine with just moving out if we can arrange a 50% deal. She eventually agreed to these terms after I made a strong case to social services, and we signed that deal.

That's how it was for about 10 months, because under German law a couple is required to stay separate for a year before actually filing for divorce. This law is set up to basically prevent somebody from just jumping ship, moving on, and leaving a dependent partner out to dry.

However, I did have a relatively good job in Pharma at the time, and had all intentions on staying. When my working visa surprisingly ended (that's another issue), I came back to the US without him, and our initial agreement was still in tact. I could have fought to bring him back, but he really wanted to stay with his mother and brand new baby brother. Nothing I could do, really.

However, what shocked me is that due to that initial agreement that we signed with social services, the state department and american lawyers couldn't do anything to help me with contact. My only way forward was, and still is, to pressure social services and a German attorney into forcing her to better regulate communication with him.

She has brilliantly side-stepped this by saying that I harass her regarding her affair and that she refuses to speak with me. This puts social services and a judge in a tight spot, because she has followed through with her move by not having any communication with me at all. Nothing, no emails, phone calls or letters.

But, she doesn't have any problem communicating with my sister and other mutual friends. I am blacklisted from communicating with her because that fits into her scheme that I'm assuming came from her lawyer.

12/5/2019 3:24:32 PM

how the fuck did you get roped into that child support?

12/5/2019 3:30:14 PM

because he is living with her now. When he was living with me half of the time, I didn't pay child support. That was also a part of the agreement with social services.

12/5/2019 3:37:35 PM

So is your son 1 or 7 years old. I’m half German and can’t tell

[Edited on December 5, 2019 at 4:01 PM. Reason : .]

12/5/2019 4:00:36 PM

Quote :

"My sister in law married a guy who has a daughter and this sort of shit happens to them all the time."

Yeah, it does and it is sad.

To me, what hurts the most is the schemes involved and the disregard for my desire to remain a part of his life.

She's got no problem communicating with my sister, or mutual friends, but when it comes to me I am completely out, because that's just how the game is played.

12/5/2019 4:02:33 PM

Do you send the money through DHL? I heard they have trouble sometimes

12/5/2019 6:11:48 PM

Based on the title, I thought this thread was going to be about EMCE’s penis

12/5/2019 10:04:24 PM

Quote :

"how the fuck did you get roped into that child support?"

what do you mean?

12/5/2019 11:07:22 PM

^^

12/6/2019 7:01:07 AM

Stop paying...
enjoy your freedom?

12/6/2019 9:27:31 AM

Sorry to hear that man. I would go crazy if I were in your shoes and may end up doing something stupid (although I know I won't).

Quote :

"She has brilliantly side-stepped this by saying that I harass her regarding her affair and that she refuses to speak with me. This puts social services and a judge in a tight spot"

But have you been harassing her? If not, there is no evidence, right? If so, how are social services and the judge letting her get away with it? Have they asked her for evidence of said harassment?

I am really sorry man. This is terrible. Hope one day, soon, you are reunited with your son.

What are your chances of getting a job there again in the same city? Even if she agrees and lets him contact you regularly, that's still no way to have a relationship with one's child, if it can be helped. She won't come to the US, so you should try your damndest to get a job there so you can be part of his life again. Otherwise, it will just be calls and pics, if at all

12/6/2019 9:38:19 AM

the funny thing about harassment is that when she first cut off all contact I had with him... I didn't know what was going on for weeks. Was I supposed to just role over and do nothing? I did send her emails and messages basically begging her to give me an update on our son or to let me talk to him. I did try to call her from other numbers because mine was blocked. Nothing insulting, I made it very clear that I was not trying to chat with her, that I just wanted to establish some sort of communication system regarding our boy.

I found a lawyer in Germany that informed me that I needed to go through social services in Essen first, but they were very slow to do anything for various "reasons."

Then the baby daddy sent me long emails that basically mirrored word for word the type of dirty shit that I get on TWW, which is fine, but then said that I would have to set up a mediator to talk with him or get updates. After that, I replied "show me a court order saying I have to have a mediator" to everyone of his emails. He then continued to write that I was crazy, he had a lawyer, and that he was just protecting her from harassment. So I just kept replying "show me a court order saying I have to have a mediator" and "I am only writing you guys because I can't talk with him and social services hasn't opened a case yet." I eventually forwarded those emails to social services, and then they went to her house, once they found his address, to 1) first inform her that I still had every right to know where he lived and to talk with him, b) ask my son if he wanted to talk with me and c) tell her that, without court documents saying that I was prohibited from talking to him, she had to set up weekly talking times between me and him.

So, tldr, yeah I did try to maintain contact with my ex after I left Germany, but it wasn't because I was sending hateful messages or cared about her life, I made it very clear that I was just trying to establish contact with our son.

However, what a catch 22? She stops letting me talk to him, moves to a different city, treats me like a sperm donor, and I react by trying to find out where he was living (which I did not know at the time) and how to call him... and that is somehow harassment?

Every time I send her an email now it is with social services in cc, just so that there is no confusion about harassment.

12/6/2019 1:12:05 PM

Dear BanjoMan,

Are you, at this time, prepared to share your ex- wife's nudes with the good denizens of TWW? If not, you can PM them to me.
It is obvious that this thread is cathartic for you, and I believe skin pics will help.

Sincerely,
EMCE and MrGreen

12/6/2019 1:18:18 PM

lol I don't have any. Her first husband burned her, apparently, regarding nudes so she never let me take any.

12/6/2019 1:32:54 PM

It's just hard for me to stay in front of her regarding this. She is completely in the driver's seat.

If anybody out there has any good tips, then I'd love to hear them.

12/6/2019 1:51:34 PM