So backstory. My sister knew a guy for a year and a half when they walked down the aisle. Fast forward to now, they've been married for 5 years in August and have 2 kids.

He has turned into a massive asshole over the past few years. He's borderline emotionally abusive to my sister. Granted, my sister doesn't set boundaries with him so now when she tries to get him to do anything, it's a screaming match. So she just does everything for the kids and him and manages her job.

For references on some of the shit that he pulls: message_topic.aspx?topic=592714&page=2 In addition, he enjoys screaming at my other sisters kids when my sister isn't around. One last example, my sister is trying to do P90X to get in shape, they just started it. Well she couldn't do the exercise quite right, and when they got home he yelled at her and asked her why she was even trying this if she wasn't even going to do the exercises right.

ANYWAYS

My sister and I don't know how to deal with my other sister on it. We're not sure what has to happen for her to realize that it's not okay how he treats her but we don't want it to be the situation where he has to hit her for her to leave him. Or god forbid he does that and she doesn't leave him.

Has anybody ever had to deal with this kind of situation with a family member or a close friend? I just don't necessarily want to have to sit by and watch

2/7/2011 10:19:25 PM

Yes, my cousin's now exhusband... I think the best thing you can do is just be there for her, because even if you intervene she may not want to listen. It's going to have to be on her time, and unfortunately that may take a long time, if ever. :\

2/7/2011 10:29:24 PM

i don't know any of the people concerned, but I'd just like to point out that there is a lot of ground between what she's doing now and leaving him.

2/7/2011 10:29:44 PM

^agreed.

2/7/2011 10:34:55 PM

While I understand what you're saying Duke, my issue is that it's really hard to watch someone close to you that you really care about get treated like absolute shit.

My question was how I could go about dealing with it, but maybe Sam is right :-/

2/7/2011 10:37:04 PM

Oh Jeez...this dude sounds like my dad. I don't really have any thoughts on the matter but that it sucked royal ass to have to be a child in that situation. My dad ended up being more physically violent with us kids than he ever was with my mom (even though he was mentally and verbally rank with her) and she stuck around with him off and on until she divorced in him in 2007, after being with him for 32 years. So...I hope, for the sake of her kids, she will get enough strength to first get help and then leave his ass if there is no improvement.

I am sorry that you have to be a bystander for all of this shit. I know for sure that some of my family never got why my mom stayed with my dad but again, she was a grown woman and they could talk and try to reason with her til they were blue in the face. She had to do it on her own. I hope your sister does.

2/7/2011 10:37:36 PM

i think you should stay out of it

2/7/2011 10:53:15 PM

^ agreed

tell them to seek counseling

this is no place to stick your nose into, it can spin around against you real quick

2/8/2011 12:24:27 AM

Well she's the one who married him and then compounded the error by having 2 kids with the guy. She has made her bed and now she is lying in it. My brother was in a similar spot, but now he's divorced with a 1-year-old daughter. I don't envy his situation at all, but at least he's better off than when his wife was screaming at him all day.

If things are as bad as you say, the first thing she needs to do is stop having kids with that asshole. She should probably look into separation and/or divorce, because it's not a healthy environment for kids to grow up in. All you can do is encourage and support her; you can try to be the tough guy and threaten him, but it's likely to backfire and cause things to get worse for her.

2/8/2011 1:27:09 AM

Tell your sister to man the hell up and tell this asshole that his behavior is not fucking cutting it. She may get struck for it, but then she'll get the kids and child support and hopefully find a new guy that will treat her right.

2/8/2011 6:53:13 AM

Tip 1 for Married Couples: Don't be an asshole.

2/8/2011 7:23:20 AM

I really hate the statement, "She made her bed now she can lay in it." Believe it or not, sometimes your spouse can flip on a dime the second you're in the marriage. Case in point: my previously mentioned cousin had a great relationship with her ex, and she truly believed they were in it forever. Then a few days after their wedding, in front of my stepdad, he said without hesitation, "Yeah, if things don't work out the way I want them to we can just get a divorce." Things just kept getting worse from there and after a few years of trying to make things better, she finally left.

I don't think you should "stay out of it," though. I don't see the harm in letting her know your concerns - but it's probably best not to push them on her and gauge her reaction accordingly... She might want someone to reach out, and she might be super pissed by it. Either way, just offer your support and be there for her no matter what

2/8/2011 7:57:21 AM

If you get involved, you will only cut yourself out of supporting her.

2/8/2011 8:05:10 AM

Quote :

"Well she's the one who married him and then compounded the error by having 2 kids with the guy. She has made her bed and now she is lying in it."

I guess you'd say the same thing to a woman that's beaten by her husband huh? She made the choice to marry him so now she deserves to get hit.

2/8/2011 9:17:03 AM

^Yeah, I agree that was a shitty response. No matter how much you know a person there is always a possibility they will change. The only constant thing with humans is change, right?

Anyway, I hope she tries to get help first and if that is useless, I hope she gets out of it.

My dad admitted to me when I was 22 that he should haven't had kids because he wasn't suited to be a father. Such an awful admission but it made me feel better about the shit he put my siblings and me through.

2/8/2011 9:36:20 AM

The issue with emotional abuse it is it builds up slowly and the victim probably doesn't realize what's even happening. I am guessing your sister is blaming herself for all the things he yells at her for, thinking he's right and she is the one who is doing things wrong and needs to change. I imagine he started out being perfectly nice to her, then slowly started criticizing little things, or found something she was sensitive about to harp on to make her throw her tail between her legs and put all her effort into trying to be better so that she can stop letting him down. Obviously that isn't true, but until she realizes on her own that all the things he's blaming her for aren't really her doing something wrong, there isn't a whole lot you can do.

2/8/2011 9:44:19 AM

I would say the best solution to this is that she has to come to a realization that things aren't how she remembered them.

In this case she may be clinging on the "remembering the good ol' days" idea that I see tossed around for couples trying to make things work. If you can isolate out the good times they had YEARS ago, and have them come to a realization that they may not have had a genuine good time with the person in several years they may start to realize things are not trending towards a return to how they were when they started dating.

If that has no effect I'd say just do a search on stopping emotional abuse and educate her, sit her down and go over things. If you don't think that will work tell her it's about a friend and explain whats happening to the "friend" that you witness and maybe she can realize it that way.

2/8/2011 9:46:55 AM

Quote :

"If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, you'll never end up with a nag. - Zig Ziglar"

2/8/2011 9:48:08 AM

Have you guys considered an intervention? I know they look lame on the tv show but this was done with a family member of mine in an abusive relationship and the meeting convinced her to get relationship counseling which in turn led to her getting a divorce. Now shes with a man that treats her right

2/8/2011 10:17:59 AM

see my sister and i weren't sure whether or not that would work. just still trying to decide what would be best for everyone involved.

2/8/2011 10:32:47 AM

Sounds like she needs a therapist to help her work on her self-esteem issues. punchmonk's story of her family sounds eerily like my family and my dad, and part of my mom's problem, and my sister's problem (she's just repeating the same mistakes my mom made), is their extreme lack of self esteem at-times. Once they start to build up themselves and see that they actually have self worth, emotionally abusive people have less power over them. that's my two cents.

2/8/2011 10:48:51 AM

Not knowing anyone involved, I think that going through your sister (the one who is married to the dbag) to try and get it fixed would be a much better choice. If you directly confront the dbag, he will more than likely end up pissed off and hating you, and then taking it out on your sister.

I would start by talking with your sister. Tell her the things you see going on, and make sure she understands that you just want what is best for her.

TL : DR, talk to sister first, don't talk to dbag in law.

[Edited on February 8, 2011 at 11:06 AM. Reason : d]

2/8/2011 11:06:10 AM

Agreed. Talk to the sister with other family members' support, and try to be as assertive as possible in the situation without her getting defensive. She may need another perspective to realize her situation isn't normal- couples in positive relationships don't scream at each other a lot, or tell each other not to exercise. That last one is incredibly idiotic- don't most husbands want their wives to be in shape?

2/8/2011 11:09:57 AM

^I think it is stupid too but I have a friend that her guy kind of sabotages her staying in shape because he is insecure that she will leave him. She is a beautiful dynamic woman and I think he knows it.

2/8/2011 11:12:12 AM

please use pseudonyms, i gather you have 2 sisters but referring to both of them as "my sister" is kinda confusing....

2/8/2011 11:16:20 AM

okay

i'll start using Sarah (married to the DBag) and Laura (sister trying to help)

2/8/2011 11:20:56 AM

you and Laura should try to talk to Sarah about the situation and how you see it. don't be to assertive about it though, or else Sarah might take it out on you. Don't say anything to the guy, or he'll try to spin it around on her. The next time the douchebag gets loud with Laura's kids though, either Laura or her husband need to punch the fucker in the throat.

2/8/2011 1:00:11 PM

the most recent situation involving laura's kids was at a holiday party where neither laura nor her husband were around. laura's youngest (4) accidentally hit sarah's oldest (2 and a half) with a stick... both of them were playing. it happens. well the dbag decided that he would get in the face of the 4 year old and started screaming at her til she cried. unfortunately my cousin didn't step in to stop it - and i'm kind of pissed that she didn't.

but that should't happen again - since laura is no longer letting the kids around him unsupervised. laura's husband also feels like it's just a matter of time before he starts becoming physically abusive with her

2/8/2011 1:13:35 PM

As someone who's never had responsibility with kids particularly, I totally have no room to talk, but I don't see how I would let anyone like that anywhere near my family if I did. Adults yelling at kids kind of screws them up. Or at least I've always thought so.

2/8/2011 1:19:22 PM

I have no experience in these matters, but it would be my guess that if someone went to the dbag, he would then try to isolate Sarah and the family from you guys. Calling out of get togethers, not visiting anymore, that type of stuff.

2/8/2011 1:19:48 PM

There is a history of abuse, either he gets help or she leaves. For the safety of the whole family, she just needs to leave. Yes there are young kids involved and divorces are neither cheap nor easy but it's a whole lot better then hearing about a murdered family of four on WRAL. It might never get that bad, but you'll never know til he snaps and it's too late.

2/8/2011 3:35:03 PM

If there's a family involved and an abusive individual, I don't understand what's going to be expensive or hard about a divorce. You don't need to take someone to court in order to threaten to do so.

2/8/2011 4:30:44 PM

I think the best is to be there for you sister and listen. Also perhaps telling her that you love her and it upsets you to see her treated this way, b/c she deserves to be treated better would be good. Don't get involved but let her know how you feel and that you are there to listen to her.

2/8/2011 4:32:12 PM

^^, ^^^

You guys are way too far in the future. She can't just make her sister get a divorce.

2/8/2011 4:33:15 PM

^^^ So naive.

She'd never be able to prove the abuse in a court of law. The reality is that courts are worse than worthless in divorces and custody battles. They don't want to be involved in these stupid disputes. So you end up paying all your money to lawyers, only to settle like you should've done in the first place. Ask anyone who has gone through a divorce with kids. It's hell, and "emotional abuse" or who's to blame doesn't make a bit of difference in our legal system.

[Edited on February 8, 2011 at 4:44 PM. Reason : 2]

2/8/2011 4:42:55 PM

It doesn't have to be, my parents divorce didn't cost anything more than a couple lawyer visits and court costs.

but this is all silly, because lunak shouldn't be trying to get them divorced. her sister is a grown woman and you all need to let her handle her business herself. trying to get involved in family business like this is just going to backfire. the only person who has the right to say anything are the parents of the kids the guy yelled out, and they should only say something in regards to that.

2/8/2011 4:52:50 PM

I think it depends on the individuals. I know someone currently going through a divorce with kids that isn't using the courts for anything other than filing the paperwork. But the two people involved are both being rational and mature about it. Something tells me that someone who is verbally abusive to their spouse probably won't be rational and/or mature about divorce filings.

2/8/2011 4:58:12 PM

Quote :

"She'd never be able to prove the abuse in a court of law. The reality is that courts are worse than worthless in divorces and custody battles. They don't want to be involved in these stupid disputes. So you end up paying all your money to lawyers, only to settle like you should've done in the first place. Ask anyone who has gone through a divorce with kids. It's hell, and "emotional abuse" or who's to blame doesn't make a bit of difference in our legal system."

wow, sounds like having kids is a terrible idea.

2/8/2011 5:14:37 PM

Well, the good news for her is that our court system favors women in custody battles, and prefers to designate a "primary caregiver" in these kinds of proceedings. The primary caregiver would get more custody time and likely be entitled to some form of child support. Based on what LunaK has said, there is no doubt that she would be considered the primary caregiver. That said, she would still have to pay thousands in legal fees just to get a ruling like that. Again, most (anecdotal) situations I've seen, a joint custody agreement got hashed out long before it hit the court system, and even then, both parties lamented the wasted money in lawyer fees.

2/8/2011 6:46:14 PM

^^

what?

2/8/2011 6:57:40 PM

didn't read the thread but whenever my father in law is pissing me off i just think to myself "your daughter had my dick shoved in her mouth last night" and it puts a smile on my face

2/8/2011 7:57:59 PM