I've never lost anybody who wasn't a patient before, certainly not a close friend and I could use any advice. I'm not doing so hot on my own. In addition to the loss I feel, I also feel guilt. I don't know where she was when it happened but as a paramedic, I know that if I had been there, there's a solid chance she would have been OK. Even if she'd called me and told me what's going on, I could have figured it out and told her what to do. I don't really know how to mourn and this is tearing me apart.

[Edited on November 1, 2010 at 3:20 AM. Reason : .]

11/1/2010 3:15:34 AM

I'm no expert on loss/mourning, but I am agnostic, so I'll share my thoughts for whatever they might be worth.

-Talk to someone close to you about it.

-Do whatever you can to make some good come out of the situation. Commonly people donate to charities or causes important to the person they lost in their name.

-Remember the good times. Make that concrete in some way. Maybe a photo album. Maybe write a song or a poem or utilize any other talent of yours in a commemorative way.

The first one is more about letting out the emotion and having support. Those last 2 ideas are kind of the same, in that they can help your recollections of someone not turn automatically only to grief, but also ties them permanently with some good & happy thoughts too. Not in a way that replaces feelings of loss, but in a way that makes it not the only thought, not as overwhelming. The last 2 also help to honor the person, and to help recognize & make their contribution to this world more permanent.

11/1/2010 3:46:33 AM

That's good advice, thank you.

11/1/2010 8:20:41 AM

Let yourself cry and grieve, I know guys aren't supposed to cry or whatever, but for me going through crying, one of our most basic instincts, is like walking through a door.

Crying encompasses everything for me when I'm mourning, in it I'm acknowledging the guilt, the loss, the desperation, the seeking of why this happened. I'm grasping for something and crying lets me through, I'm purging the guilt, I'm purging what I could or didn't do, I'm purging that awful feeling that can't be described. Once that sobbing, that first cry is over, I'm through the first door of grief, you're done blaming yourself, feeling guilty for being alive and now all you feel is the loss, that hole which can't be filled.

Once I can see that loss without the veil of guilt and negative emotion I can start to accept it, I can start to acknowledge it. Death is the course of life.

11/1/2010 8:59:29 AM

Stay very busy. Try to occupy as much as your free time as possible.

11/1/2010 11:49:20 AM

Try to remember that person as they would want to be remembered. I've told numerous people I don't want a bunch of people crying and being all sad at my funeral. I'd rather them have more of a party to remember good things about me that made them happy. Of course no more than 10 or 20 people may show up to my funeral so that shouldnt be too tough. I'm not religious either so when people tell me that someone is in a better place now and all that sorta stuff that doesn't really help me any. Once someone is gone all that is left of them is memories in the minds of those of us still here so thats the best way to preserve their legacy.

11/1/2010 11:59:39 AM

Quote :

"Let yourself cry and grieve, I know guys aren't supposed to cry or whatever"

Don't worry, crying doesn't mean you're gay or less of a man.

11/1/2010 12:49:16 PM

This may be silly and really fucking stupid but I have enormous guilt for being alive right now. I don't know if it's because we always argued and she thighth she was better so I should have gone or because she's the first person I've known our age to suddenly pass or what it is. It doesn't make sense but I am fearful for my own life like it's going to slip away at any second. WTF is wrong with me? I've only known a handful to die and they were either old & very sick so it was expected or they were way too far removed for me to know them well.

Halp? Am I being a selfish shithead for thinking this way? When will the fear go away? Why do I feel like an invisible string is attached from me to her? It is competely and utterly ridiculous but I can't get over it.

11/1/2010 2:48:26 PM

Quote :

"Why do I feel like an invisible string is attached from me to her?"

I feel the string too.

11/1/2010 2:54:14 PM

I think it just takes time and there isn't a whole lot else you can do to speed it along. When my grandmother died, I pretty much spent every hour I wasn't at work asleep for a month or two because I was so exhausted from just grieving. The guilt for things you didn't do or say to the person, for not being there with them, for still being alive, etc. are all just a normal part of the process. It made me wish I was religious because I felt like that might have made it a little easier. It's a lot harder to deal with when it's someone young and it's so unexpected, though. But I think the key element is the same.

Also, if you don't go into hibernation mode like I did, try volunteering or doing something to put your talent to use. Perhaps knowing that you are helping other people in the memory of the person you have lost will at least make you feel a bit less guilt.

11/1/2010 3:08:34 PM

Yeah but you were pretty close to her Walkman. I knew her irl a shirt time and we despised each other. I feel terrible for even grieving, like I'm not allowed for all the shitty words we threw at each other most of the time we knew each other. I probably feel guilty for being a shithead and remember she wasn't the nicest to me back but I definitely feel like I should have gone before her. I'm talking crazy now but I don't know how else to articulate this feeling. Just Dont know what is appropriate to think or feel. And I feel like because she passed I will too. Sp insane. So batshit crazy actually. But it is what it is.

11/1/2010 3:29:13 PM

A friend at work said that following her grandmother's death, she was depressed and slept or watched TV all day in the house. But then she realized that Granny had always been such a positive person, never complaining in the long years of illness and always looking on the bright side of life.

Here we are, lucky enough to be alive when Christine is not, so don't WASTE it! I feel that since she's gone, I have to live MORE than I used to. I have to do the things she wanted to but lost the chance. (well ... heh ... me and my boyfriend aren't into ALL of that stuff )

I'm not saying it's wrong to feel grief, and right now I feel a sadness that I've never known. I don't know what I believe about the afterlife or if it exists, but I believe in people. And Christine was one hell of a person. I only now realize how many friends she had, both on TWW and IRL

11/1/2010 4:20:59 PM

I do sorta feel like posting nice tits in the sad threads cuz all I know of ambrosia was that

[Edited on November 1, 2010 at 4:29 PM. Reason : Of course I know more now but still..]

11/1/2010 4:28:52 PM

You can't save the world by yourself. No one can. Just do the best you can every day. Don't let yourself get bogged down. Keep moving as soon as possible, you obviously have the skills to do a lot of good.

11/1/2010 6:00:35 PM

Quote :

"Stay very busy. Try to occupy as much as your free time as possible. "

You're actually not supposed to do this, if you're only doing it to hide from your sorrow. Some people naturally deal with things this way though, which is okay.

11/1/2010 7:15:06 PM

this is long, but bear with me...some of the things i'm going to share with you i actually happened upon because of conversations that i had with christine...

first: TIME. that is really all there is. time. time. time.

people will tell you a bunch of shit, but nothing is going to "cure" your grief. you have to give it time.

so be prepared for it to suck. a lot. it could suck for months on end leaving you feeling so desperate you don't even know what to do with yourself. this is where your friends come in.

the best advice is that it is going to fucking suck ass. everyone tries to give advice and pep talks, and sure there are things that you can do - donate to a charity, make a photo album, whatever but grief is different for every individual. you have to figure out what works for you. but donating to a charity or whatever isn't going to "cure" your grief. you're going to have to experience it. and it is going to take time.

i am still grieving the loss of my mother and grandmother (and now christine, too, though i wasn't as close to her as many on here). i'm 1.5 years into my mom's death and like almost a half a year into my grandmothers (her mom, who died almost a year to the day after my mom) and it is just starting to not suck 100% of the time. it only sucks like 70% of the time now. but seriously it can take a long time to feel okay. i think that is what you need to be prepared for.

i actually talked to christine about this recently. grief isn't some 5 stage bullshit. there are MANY emotions that you will feel and not in some nice, neat linear way. anger/sadness/rage/depression/guilt/emptiness...you can feel them all at once, you can feel them separately. its a rollercoaster NOT a straight line where you go from point A sad person to point B totally normal healed person. no...it doesn't work like that.

i've raised money for charity in my mom's memory (and hopefully awareness about cancer) but that didn't make me feel 100% better. it helped a little, but only like putting a bandaid on a gunshot. looking at pictures sometimes helps, but until recently that would leave me hysterically crying. talking to friends can help, too...but sometimes it makes you feel even MORE guilty because you feel like you are burdening your friends/family. or at least i did.

so for ME it was super helpful to talk to someone who was neutral to the situation (that is what christine was for me...she didn't know my mom, she wasn't a friend from high school or college, she wasn't family...she BECAME my friend through our talks, but it wasn't like she went through everything with me, so it was nice to have that fresh perspective). it helped to have an outsider to listen to me, for many, many reasons. she was that for me and she was awesome.

exercise or other activities can help when you feel enraged. grief isn't just sadness. you will feel ANGRY. GUILT. RAGE. a million things. it might not happen for a long time, but you will get there. some kind of physical release is important though. running. letting yourself cry. kickboxing, whatever. it really does help.

i write notes to my mom in a journal. its mostly what i'm feeling, not like a play by play of everyday (oh i had cheerios for breakfast, blah blah). sometimes i'm just like "I HATE YOU FOR LEAVING ME" and sometimes i feel so sad like i can't even handle and just want to die, so i write that. or i tell her that i traveled abroad or that i got a dog or just whatever i feel the need to "tell" her. i'm not religious so i don't think she's actually in some other place knowing all of this, but just writing it down helps.

also, another thing that has helped me is having a spot for my mom. so we scattered her ashes in this garden so sometimes i will just go sit in the garden and look at the flowers and trees and cry. although you might not have anything physical like ashes, you can designate a spot. christine loved nature/hikes/etc. maybe find a bench in a park, or a trail to hike or something and make it your "christine spot." go there and just sit and cry. or think of your memories together. or talk to her. tell her you feel guilty, tell her you miss her, TELL HER. i know for people who aren't religious (i'm not, so trust me, i get it) the talking thing might seem weird/psycho. but its just the emotional release that really helps. once you get it out, you feel better (not BETTER better, but better relatively speaking). tell her what you would say to her if she were here right now.

i think the biggest thing is just to give yourself TIME and know that it is going to take TIME. don't feel like a freak if in 6 months you still feel as sad as you do now. it can take *YEARS* to go through the grieving process. so let yourself grieve, know that no one thing is going to make you feel "better." you just have to wait it out. it sucks a LOT. more than words can even describe. but that is the honest truth. no sugar coating. just like christine

this is from a PM christine and i had a month or so ago regarding grief...her words..."just let emotion happen, neutrally and naturally."

grief is different for everyone, so you need to do what YOU need to do. use whatever support system you need. but something that works for someone else, isn't necessarily going to work for you. time is the only thing that can truly ease the pain. the pain will always be there, but time will lessen it. you have to adjust to a new normal.

also, christine actually shared this with me back in september, i posted it in the other thread, but here it is again - mourner's rights: http://dinosaurmusings.wordpress.com/2010/08/31/mourners-rights/

^ and i agree. taking time to grieve is important. or else in 7 years it will randomly hit you and it will be even more difficult.

[Edited on November 1, 2010 at 7:17 PM. Reason : .]

11/1/2010 7:15:24 PM

11/1/2010 7:20:37 PM

^^ (woah!! i didn't know ambrosia died, that's very sad )

11/1/2010 7:30:05 PM

I'd recommend to the OP and any others feeling extreme loss, to consult with a physician, psychologist, or other trained therapist.

i know it sounds like a cop-out to pass the buck, but if you're feeling overwhelmed and at a complete loss, you really should seek out a professional to help you sort through the issues and help you find strategies to grieve and cope that are appropriate for you.

and not necessarily a long-term therapy commitment, maybe one or two sessions would be all you need.

the problem with soliciting advice from friends or the internets, is that people grieve differently.

it is easy for some well-intentioned individual to confidently pass out advice that is is meaningful for them, and maybe even works just fine for many other people -- but it just won't work for you. and then, try and try as you can to force their strategies to work for you, you get nowhere and think that you must be "doing it wrong"

a professional provider will avoid this sort of unintentional funneling into a one-size-fits-all approach and be able to assess what methods to grieve positively will work for you as an individual.






[Edited on November 2, 2010 at 12:17 PM. Reason : ]

11/2/2010 12:09:48 PM

My oldest uncle just passed away last night (eastern time) in China. It's a shock to me. Although he has got liver cancer for 9 yrs already, I still think he can go through it this time. It comes so quickly to me.

6/8/2014 6:19:20 PM