1. Urine - You'd like to think people in their 30's and 40's would be able to grasp the concept of separate but equal facilities for urinating and defecating. This was beat into everyone's head in the dorms and any other communal living situation with multiple toilets. You piss and shit in separate receptacles. In the rare event that ALL the urinals are occupied, and you can't wait 20 seconds, you very delicately piss in the shitter with the same respect you would have at home, aiming for 100 percent accuracy in the bowl and wiping any stray splatter off the seat when you're done. I should not find reservoirs of piss on the seat and floor when I go in to dump. This is not a bar, and this is not Wal Mart. You are not drunk, and there are a finite number of individuals who use this facility. So show some fucking respect.

2. The Horseshoe Toilet Seat Pube - In any public bathroom, 95 percent of the time, there is a solitary pubic hair in the gap of the horseshoe at the front of the toilet. There is no indicator to the identity or even ethnicity of its owner; it is always a lone black curly hair, laying there stark against the white porcelain, mocking you. Are people's sacks just predestined to leave a souvenir after every dump ? Because it doesn't happen to me, and if it did, I would take the time to sweep it into the bowl.

3. Ass Hair - Distinctly different from pubic hair, these hairs are not curly, but flat and straight, matted against the seat by a residue of sweat and suction. There are usually 3-4 scattered randomly, and they don't always come up with the first swipe of toilet paper. They are almost ingrained into the seat, and take several swipes to come loose, to make the seat suitable for its next occupant. Again, my ass has some hair on it, but not so much that I must shed at every opportunity.

4. Ass Dust - a term coined by my esteemed colleague BobbyDigital, this is the general debris of lint, pubes, crust and pulp that ends up on a toilet after several dumps. If you're fortunate enough to shit in the morning, you might avoid ass dust. But if you go in there about three o'clock, you're going to have to deal with a layer of other people's ass dandruff. You really can't wipe it all away, so you just lay TP over any problem areas and deal with it.

5. Aftermath Shit Particles - When some people shit, wipe and flush, not everything goes down the pipes. And this isn't about clogging the toilet. Its about the fish food looking remnants of feces that some people leave behind after every dump. It just floats there in the water until the next occupant comes in. I'm not sure if its related to diet or just the general inefficiency of office toilets, but its an issue, because the last thing someone wants to see when they're about to shit is the shit of their predecessor.




That's all I got...Feel free to chime in.

11/3/2009 11:39:42 AM

I have considered putting up a "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE" sign in the men's room on many occasions. I think I'll just print this thread and tape it to the back of the stall doors instead.

11/3/2009 11:42:03 AM

BILLY PACKER

11/3/2009 11:42:26 AM

tl;dr

11/3/2009 11:43:52 AM

These are the reasons why I shit at my house before going into work. And I live close enough to work that I can go home and shit in peace if the urge hits.

11/3/2009 11:47:14 AM

I don't mind people pissing in the shitters, i mind it when they can't be bothered to lift the fucking seats. come the fuck on.


and you people need to talk your employers into springing for multiple shitter cleanings through the day.

11/3/2009 11:54:24 AM

6. Spackle Remnants - Not the spackle that you put in holes in dry wall, no, this spackle comes from the explosive ass discharge. Typically on the inside of the bowl, both above and below the water line it can only be dealt with flushings or finding a alternative receptacle. When spackle is not in the bowl this again something that should have been dealt with by its creator. If no other receptacles are available and spackle refuses to be flushed, building services might need to be contacted.

11/3/2009 12:13:21 PM

nice addition

I only dhiarreha sparingly, but some people seem to employ it as their normal means of fecal discharge

11/3/2009 12:15:33 PM

This is an excellent thread.

One of my prevailing theories is that all 6 aforementioned obstacles are largely perpetrated by our morbidly obese coworkers.

Consider these factors:

1. The seated position forces all fat rolls, FUPA(s), and other free hanging adipose tissue to settle into an amorphous blob that likely renders the toilet completely invisible to the land manatee perched upon the holy white throne. Similarly, they are unable to determine, using any of the 5 senses, where urine might be coming from. It's hard to aim when you can't see where the gun is pointed.

2. The sheer volume and force of fecal matter released from such people may fill the entire toilet bowl multiple times during a single session. Given factor 1 above, the fatass may not be able to determine that the toilet bowl is full until he or she can feel the upward pressure of the shit trying to push back up. This may result in multiple flushes, and some leakage onto the seats.

3. Bathrooms stalls may not be big enough for a morbidly obese individual to actually see the results of their messy ass abortion. This is why many times you'll open a stall to see what looks like the results of a detonated IED made out of shit. They don't even realize what happened, nor can they reach the flush lever.

4. Morbidly people are dirty, and short of a drive through car wash, they are unable to maintain proper hygiene using normal means.

I believe that the above reasoning can explain upwards of 90% of all factors laid out by the OP as well as the addendum.

11/3/2009 12:17:54 PM

This is a pretty awesome thread.

11/3/2009 12:21:07 PM

Quote :

"Spackle Remnants"

i was going to say the same thing but call it "Rhee Rhee Backsplash" and its when the speckles of Rhee are on the back of the toilet seat and sometimes on the tank itself.

[Edited on November 3, 2009 at 12:28 PM. Reason : ..]

11/3/2009 12:27:34 PM

our new office has a urinal, a stall, and then another toilet inside a separate room where the shower is located. I hate using that one after someone has taken a shower, air is all moist and shit, takes at least 17% longer to wipe because of the humidity. Messes up any nice, crisp, cylindrical shape you might have had

11/3/2009 12:27:56 PM

bobbydigital is not such a positive addition to the thread

11/3/2009 12:28:18 PM

Obesity plays a large role, but I also think a lot of it is just people being inconsiderate and not caring about any mess they leave because their not the ones who have to clean it up. I don't think these people have the same slovenly habits at home. Similar to children leaving a mess for their parents, these people treat anything they leave behind as 'someone else's problem'. I don't expect to be in the lap of luxury for the 15 minutes I'm in there; all I want is a relatively sanitary environment to my business and read the paper. Spending 3 minutes prepping the toilet before I deem it fit for me is not my idea of a relaxing dump. I just can't fathom how some people leave such a wake of destruction behind.

11/3/2009 12:29:25 PM

7. Overpowering Stank of Doom - Everyone produces some level of stank in the process of dropping off the Crosby kids at the pool. This stank however eclipses all other known forms. Easily classified as a war crime, it involuntarily conjuring images of dead animals shitting on dead animals who then eat the dead animal shit and subsequently die. Often mixed in with some ethnic food smell, this eye watering stank practically repels you from the room as every breath brings forth a ever increasingly powerful urge to puke. Sadly this is something only time and a adequate ventilation system can cope with.

11/3/2009 12:31:25 PM

I experienced a serious rule violation today.

I was taking a dump alone in a nice, clean bathroom sporting 4 urinals, 6 stalls.

Guy comes in, shuffles around and I'm thinking *god damn it he's going to take a dump too*

he decides to park his ass in the stall right next to me to do his business. Keep in mind, I'm in the leftmost stall bordering the outer wall of the bathroom (for handicaps). Awkwardness aplenty.


COME ON, GUY

11/3/2009 12:33:44 PM

waiting for a guy to get done pissing so you can fuckin explode out an explosive shit

and then when he leaves someone else comes in right afterward

11/3/2009 12:36:09 PM

^^ and ^ yeah, I hate that shit

[Edited on November 3, 2009 at 12:36 PM. Reason : d]

11/3/2009 12:36:17 PM

On the subject of ethnicity and how it relates to bathroom etiquette:

I work with an Asian (Korean), another Asian (Japanese) a Mexican (Panamanian), an Indian, a German, and eight American white guys.

I have found that save for the German, all of the Americans have markedly worse bathroom habits than any of our International brethren.

And its not even really that close.

11/3/2009 12:38:01 PM

someone write up a #8 about that guy that always gets next to you peeing or shitting

11/3/2009 12:38:53 PM

Our bathrooms have only two stalls, so if one is occupied, I usually just go to a different floor.

The higher you go, the less foot traffic, the cleaner the bathrooms.

11/3/2009 12:40:34 PM

Quote :

"land manatee perched upon the holy white throne"

ahahhaha

11/3/2009 12:41:58 PM

^^We've got a two-seater as well. If I go in and someone else is already there, I just wash my hands and go back out. I understood that as the international signal to the seatee finish your business and get out, cause someone is waiting. I don't think anyone else knows it.

11/3/2009 12:53:17 PM

BobbyDigital and SlaveFamous.....you all are making me lmao, keep it up

11/3/2009 12:53:39 PM

As a police officer, there are many special and unique challenges to shitting while at work, on top of the many challenges and examples already mentioned above by my esteemed colleagues. As already mentioned, it is best to avoid shitting while on the job, but if it is absolutely necessary these are some things to consider.

1. (Zone Partners) You will need about 10-15 to do your business AFTER a good location has been determined, reached and scouted. This means its best to "beep up" some of your zone partners on the nextell to ask them to "listen out" for you on the radio and "call swap" anything if you get it, since you will be slightly indisposed and "out of service" for a few minutes. It is best NOT to call communications over the radio to inform them that "I am 10-7 for a minute because I have to shit". Also, responding to a hot call with your pants around your ankles and your gear slung over your shoulder is not advised. Thats why good zone partners are critical to shitting while at work.

2. (Location Location Location) Keeping in mind all of the sanitary concerns already mentioned above by my esteemed colleagues SlaveFamouse and BobbyDigital, there are also some unique concerns regarding shitting locations for police forced to shit while on duty. Not only do you want a clean shrine to pray to the porcelain gods, but you also want a secure place where you can take off your gun belt and gear and relax for a moment. The LAST place you want to go is a gas station stall where people are going to mess with the cop taking a dump. Some of the best places to go, for security, peace, relaxation and sanitation are fire stations. More than likely there are a few in your zone, so they are strategically located. Yes, God bless the FD for providing cops with a great place to shit. Other good locations if they are in your zone are district sub-stations. Also, if you are able to sneak back to the main office for a deuce, that works really good as well because the facilities are clean and nice...although its best to only do that at night shift to avoid the brass at the office...."oh, hi Major, Im just here to take a shit". Finally, if you are one of the few lucky bastards who happens to live in or near your zone....sneaking home to take a shit is always pleasant.

3. (Plan Ahead, Timing Is Everything) As I said before, it is best to AVOID making chocolate hotdogs while at work. If it cant be helped, and you really have to go, consider planning ahead. You must account for the drive time to an adequate location, as well as the time it takes to remove your gear for proper shitting procedure. You must factor these things into the equation of time between first rumble to splash down. Its is NOT advised to run lights and siren because you have to take an emergency dump...try to plan ahead.

4. (Keep The Gear Close) Dont get all comfy on the throne and then realize you left your radio in the other room, because even if you told your buddies to "listen out" for you and to "call sawp", you will still need to answer if called. The firemen may bust your balls if you run out of the can with your pants around your knees to grab your radio that you left in the other room while shedding your gear. Or worse, they may answer for you....funny for them, not you. Also, always keep your gun with you in your holster when shedding your duty belt....you may have to kill a demon shit monster that comes out of the toilet and tries to eat you.....dont laugh, this happened once.

Thats pretty much it. If I ever become a Field Training Officer I may print this out and give it to my rookie as a learning pamphlet. I must admit my admiration for female officers, who must follow this ritual even for taking a simple wizz....I dont think I could handle that. At least wizzing is still easy, on night shift the world it your toilet.

11/3/2009 1:57:27 PM

Dwight

11/3/2009 2:17:19 PM

Hell, I just go shit. Who the hell cares?

11/3/2009 2:34:35 PM

Quote :

"waiting for a guy to get done pissing so you can fuckin explode out an explosive shit"

its not necessarily the pissing but the washing hands 3 times and using 20 paper towels before walking out

11/3/2009 3:53:48 PM

if i was a cop, i would just shit at peoples houses while taking care of a domestic dispute

11/3/2009 3:55:07 PM

^^ *through clenched teeth* How many paper towels do you need?!?!

[Edited on November 3, 2009 at 3:58 PM. Reason : ]

11/3/2009 3:58:34 PM

Quote :

"If I go in and someone else is already there, I just wash my hands and go back out. I understood that as the international signal to the seatee finish your business and get out, cause someone is waiting. I don't think anyone else knows it."

I will usually blow my nose to justify the washing of hands.

11/3/2009 4:02:10 PM

I try to avoid shitting at work (and on campus when I was a student) as much as possible, but sometimes you just gotta do it.

I just simply the wash the toilet seat with soap and water. Removes all obstacles. I try to use the individual toilets which have a sink also as much as possible, when shitting at work is unavoidable, so that I have access to water to wash the seat. If forced to use a communal one, then I take a bottle of water, and some liquid soap from the dispenser, and wash the seat and dry it before I use it. There is no way in hell I am sitting on a seat someone else sat on while naked, even if there is nothing visible on it. Even the seat looks perfectly clean and dry, I still wet some toilet paper and wipe it without soap.

And this is disgustingly funny:

Ass Dust = Lint, Pubes, Crust, Pulp

11/3/2009 4:04:39 PM

how many of you all clear your throat when someone walks in the bathroom while you are sittin on the john so they dont try to open your stall or stand in front of it


its pretty akward staring at someone through the space between the stall and the door knowing that at some point during their approach they could see you

11/3/2009 4:08:03 PM

^this

11/3/2009 4:36:43 PM

^that

11/3/2009 4:37:47 PM

I expect people to see my feet

I don't feel inclined to make an additional gesture

11/3/2009 4:38:32 PM

^and this and uh

11/3/2009 4:38:32 PM

^,^^ those

11/3/2009 4:38:33 PM

i still don't get how this one dude who is pretty much a cool guy talks on his cell phone while taking a shit

i can see how this would be fine in a communal bathroom in a fraternity or something but this is a professional environment

who would want everyone to know it was them taking a shit . . . i like to remain anonymous

i don't even come out until the coast is clear

11/3/2009 5:19:32 PM

I am adding this thread to my topics

11/3/2009 5:22:37 PM

the office door
the the bathroom door
the stall door
the toilet lid
the empty TP dispenser

11/3/2009 6:11:06 PM

Quote :

"its pretty akward staring at someone through the space between the stall and the door knowing that at some point during their approach they could see you"

It's even more awkward when they stand there more than the second or two it takes to notice the stall is being used. Thankfully it's never happened at work.

The work stalls at work are somewhat odd. They have slick stone floors, full length wooden doors and rubber sealed doorframe, completely enclosed load-bearing walls, seat-warmers and auto-flush, and of the 2 men's and 4 women's stalls are all connected to a 36" blower fan going full tilt on the roof. It's loud enough (along with the dull beige tweed covered cloth walls) to dampen any explosive sounds and efficient enough to not worry about the turd ferguson smell of the previous occupant. Closing the door literally creates a wind-tunnel from the crack at the bottom of the closed door, which is amusing to watch TP strips walk and swirl across the floor until they are literally pulled upwards a few inches from the suck tube above you. The first time I shit there after my interview was over I was amazed at what luxury and spoils the company had to afford these cannonball vaults. I'll admit, I looked at that as a definite plus for the company in my book.

11/3/2009 7:05:55 PM

How about one time at work I went into the bathroom and in one of the stalls was a big pile of shit. No toilet paper in the toilet, just a bunch of poo. To this day I am confused as to what happened. There was plenty of paper in the stall so the only logical conclusion is that the shitter got spooked, norris rolled under the stall to get out, and made a quick getaway to promptly go home to clean up.

11/3/2009 8:49:10 PM

Shitting in a P-3 is not recommended, no fancy flush toilet. You will stink up the cabin

11/3/2009 8:59:32 PM

I've got another one, inspired by a recent experience

The Leftover Toilet Paper Seat Shield

In public bathrooms, people often feel the need to cover the toilet seat with multiple layers of toilet paper, to ensure that their ass at no time makes contact with the actual seat. I can’t blame them for this, as I do the same thing. What I can and do blame them for is when they leave their matted barrier after their done, for me to find when it’s my turn to shit. It’s always disgusting; three or four strands of TP with various pubes and urine driplets, half-crumbled in obvious homage to its creator. Sometimes, part of it gets stuck in the flush vortex and the other half stays, creating a ‘creep’ effect where the bowl water will defy gravity and rise up to dampen the remainder of the paper. So you have a soggy mess of toilet paper and bodily fluids that is stuck to the seat like an adhesive, and there’s no way you can move the obstacle and still be in the right frame of mind to shit yourself. So you have to continue your search for a suitable toilet…just another example of how our country’s hygiene continues to devolve.

1/12/2010 2:01:11 PM

Those are called ass gaskets and they're usually more trouble than they're worth.

1/12/2010 2:05:14 PM

Quote :

"I just simply the wash the toilet seat with soap and water."

Seriously? I find this to be very strange (unless it was the only toilet you could get to, and it was filthy). Seems like a lot of work to take a shit.

1/12/2010 2:16:41 PM

8. Active Virus(es).




[Edited on January 12, 2010 at 2:20 PM. Reason : Missed one.]

1/12/2010 2:18:11 PM

what are some obstacles to pissing in CF

1/12/2010 2:19:32 PM

------------------> #2

1/12/2010 2:20:26 PM