So, TWW, I have a question of etiquette that I am hoping you can help me with.

The problem is this. I am on okcupid.com, and about a week ago I received a message from this chick. She seemed really interested, which always turns me off, for better or worse; and from her profile picture, it was hard to tell whether she was hot or not. But her profile seemed to indicate that she was well-read and intelligent, so I figured what the hell, let's give it a shot. So I wrote her back, and we made plans to meet for coffee.

Now, I am a grad student, and part of my job entails sitting in a Math Help Room for a couple hours a week, answering math questions for whoever cares to stop by. And there was this one girl who came in there a lot, whom I had helped a few times and seemed to have really good chemistry with. She was decent-looking and I really liked her. So I (stupidly) decided to ask her out, figuring that this okcupid chick would not turn out to be something I wanted to pursue anyway. So this math-room chick said yes, and I told her I'd e-mail her so we could set up a time to get together for coffee or something.

That was yesterday. Today I hung out with the okcupid chick, and she was really cool. I totally like her, and want to continue with her and try to make it work. So the question is, what is the nicest (or least mean) most tactful (or least tactless) way to get out of the deal with the chick in the math help-room?

Incidentally, it is really strange for me to be in this position in the first place, because usually I have a hard enough time convincing one girl to go out with me.

And yes, I know it was a shitty thing to do, asking the one girl out when I already had another date planned. I didn't think the okcupid chick was gonna work out, but that's no excuse; it was just an inconsiderate, thoughtless fuckup on my part.

So how should I handle this, TWW?

3/6/2009 6:26:34 PM

It's okay to see them both.

You're not dating either one.

3/6/2009 6:27:34 PM

yea why don't you go to coffee with the math girl and maybe you won't like her OR maybe you will like her more.

then decide!

3/6/2009 6:28:40 PM

Frankly, I would just be honest. Anyone will appreciate honesty a whole lot more than a complete diss. I mean, you always risk seeing math room girl while out, right? Might as well make a clean break instead of going behind someone's back.

At the same time, how sure are you about the other girl? I mean, this is an internet meetup, right?

Ambrosia is right though. My current gf actually saw another guy the night before our first date and didn't tell me until about 2 months into our relationship. It's no big deal, we weren't tied to each other at that point. Arrange two dates unless you're sure math room girl is a no-go.

[Edited on March 6, 2009 at 6:30 PM. Reason : .]

3/6/2009 6:28:47 PM

Dude date them both. You aren't married.

3/6/2009 6:29:16 PM

Keep going out with both until you know which one you really like. Its not like you're committed to a relationship already.

3/6/2009 6:29:49 PM

1. See both at same time
2. Make a sitcom
3. PROFIT

3/6/2009 6:29:50 PM

bang out both at the same time

.... profit

3/6/2009 6:30:24 PM

Quote :

"It's okay to see them both. You're not dating either one."

Ya think? Hmm.

I've been a similar position before, "dating" (i.e. going on dates) with two girls at once, and what I ended up doing was going back and forth like a dumbass and tangling it all up until neither of them wanted me. 'Cuz I was constantly comparing one to the other and seeing the grass as always greener on the other side. I'd really rather not get into a position where I like two separate girls, both of whom are willing to date me. (On the off-chance that it comes to that.)

Quote :

"Frankly, I would just be honest. Anyone will appreciate honesty a whole lot more than a complete diss. "

Damn good advice. If I do decide not to go out with math-help-room girl, that's probably the right approach to take.

3/6/2009 6:32:19 PM

This will not end well, so quit before things get ugly. Odds are pretty good that they've both placed you in the friend zone anyway.

3/6/2009 6:32:39 PM

I'm with NC86

bang out both at the same time

3/6/2009 6:32:57 PM

the worst thing is when one becomes a friend and you end up dating the other one and the one that's a friend finds out and it happens to be someone they know and hate...yeah, been there.

3/6/2009 6:35:39 PM

Just grab some coffee with the math-room chick. What's the worst that could happen? If you cancel, the OKCupid chick could disappear on you, and then you're stuck with nothing.

Way too early to worry about juggling 2 chicks when you've only met one once and never hung out with the other outside of the math lab. Keep your options open while you still have options.

3/6/2009 6:35:41 PM

The first thing to ask yourself is do you feel like you owe any explanation. If not, then use the cold shoulder method.

3/6/2009 6:37:38 PM

youre not obligated to either one to see either exclusively
go out with both
thats what DATING is

3/6/2009 6:40:46 PM

Quote :

"Keep going out with both until you know which one you really like. Its not like you're committed to a relationship already. "

3/6/2009 6:42:24 PM

^,^^
As usual, my dumb ass misses the obvious solution

The plan is now to go out with math help-room girl and see what happens. I will let TWW know when both girls fall through completely.

3/6/2009 6:43:45 PM

I, too, know multiple females.

Seriously though, good luck.

3/6/2009 6:44:58 PM

dude, go out with both of them. it's not like you're cheating on anyone when you've been on a grand total of 1 date between the 2 of these women. there's a big difference between that and trying to be a player.

[Edited on March 6, 2009 at 6:50 PM. Reason : and expecting from the outset that they'll both fall through is a good start to making that happen]

3/6/2009 6:49:03 PM

^^ thankee

^
that's just casual self-effacement, not meant seriously

3/6/2009 7:04:27 PM

Quote :

"dude, go out with both of them. it's not like you're cheating on anyone when you've been on a grand total of 1 date between the 2 of these women. there's a big difference between that and trying to be a player."

Exactly, this shouldn't even be a question. You don't know either of them well. Why not just go on a few dates with both, keep it casual, and see which one you really like best. One date isn't enough to know someone. As long as you aren't leading someone on, or banging either of them, I don't see a problem, and I'd like to think I have pretty high moral standards.

3/6/2009 7:11:00 PM

Lemme holla at the math chick

3/6/2009 7:11:24 PM

Has anyone told you to see both of them yet?

3/6/2009 7:12:11 PM

seriously, go to coffee with the math girl. you aren't going to lose ANYTHING in that situation.

if you blow her off you might miss out on a special connection with math girl.
or a new friend. etc.

3/6/2009 7:15:25 PM

for the record you thinking this is so cute!

you are like me, I just can't talk to two people at one time. I just feel bad and wrong. Even if it doesn't work out. I just can't be talking to more than one person at a time.

3/6/2009 8:38:55 PM

going out to coffee with a girl is not "talking to" or whatever high school term you want to use. it is going to get coffee.

3/6/2009 8:45:23 PM

i was really expecting this thread to contain something a lot more dishonorable, if you could call this honorable.

3/6/2009 8:48:25 PM

Dude, I don't get you.

When people at the beginning of the thread suggested that you go out with both, you said you don't want to be in that situation.

And then a few posts later, when someone else suggested the same, you responded with:

Quote :

"As usual, my dumb ass misses the obvious solution"

just 11 MINUTES after saying you didn't want to be in that situation, and with NO POSTS in between at all for us to see how your thinking changed.




[Edited on March 6, 2009 at 9:01 PM. Reason : ]

3/6/2009 8:54:59 PM

^
I am easily influenced, and oftentimes my opinions on social questions are not especially well-informed.

Quote :

"for the record you thinking this is so cute!"

Thx, Goldengirl and everyone else who responded. I have e-mailed help-room-girl (a couple hours ago; I'm damned if I'd send her an e-mail at 9:20 on a Saturday night) and we'll see how things go.

3/6/2009 9:20:12 PM

oh hell, I don't need to be airing this sort of shit on TWW
but I will anyway

Update:

So, forget about helproom-girl. What happened with her was, that weekend I sent her an e-mail as promised, and she replied saying that she thought I was very nice, but had thought about it a lot and decided she wasn't comfortable dating a TA from the math help room. I wrote her back saying fine, I understood completely. She has not appeared in the help-room since; she used to come every day. This is sort of a shame - I wouldn't find it at all awkward - but anyway, that was the end of that.

Okcupid girl was a different story. We went on 3 dates; tonight was the third, and we both knew it was "the date"; we hadn't kissed yet but knew things were going to happen tonight. So we went out to dinner, came back to my place, put on a movie and started making out. Eventually we went to my room, and she said she didn't want to fuck on this evening for reasons which I'd rather not reveal because I'd like to respect her privacy in this little token way, at least. Anyhow, we were coming along nicely, and then a pause, and somehow the conversation led up to her saying "Because I'm heavy." Now, she is heavy, but in a buxom sense; I would not in any way venture to call her fat. Just a rather meaty girl, with big boobs, but in no way fat. Fat girls cannot be pretty, and she is pretty. Anyway, when she said that thing about being heavy, I was like "I couldn't care less" and that pretty much ended our fun for the evening. She said "Whoa, bad move. Sucks to be you," disappeared into the bathroom and put her bra and shit back on. She came and sat down on the bed and I apologized, and told her I was a pretty tactless person, but I wasn't all lovey-dovey or penitent or anything. I tried to convey that I hadn't meant any harm or unfavorable opinion by my remark, but she insisted on interpreting my words as though I had said she was fat. I tried to make clear that that hadn't been my meaning at all, but she refused to be comforted. So I drove her home. On the way she said some other shit like "I don't need your permission to be offended," when I acknowledged that I had probably been wrong to say what I had said. Also, I remarked that she had sort of set a trap for me, and she said "Okay, now it's my fault." I dropped her off, and we shook hands and parted on not very cordial terms, without making any plans for the future.

So what do you say, TWW? This girls strikes me as rather emotional and easily upset. Do you agree? And should I write her right now and apologize? And yes, I know I'm an asshole for writing all this on a public message board, but I don't live anywhere near Raleigh so this is pretty anonymous.

[Edited on March 28, 2009 at 12:28 AM. Reason : there we are]

3/28/2009 12:15:49 AM

be thankful that it ended when it did.


^too late I already read it

[Edited on March 28, 2009 at 12:22 AM. Reason : .]

3/28/2009 12:20:50 AM

so you didn't get any?

3/28/2009 12:20:52 AM

come on, spill it

3/28/2009 12:21:07 AM

run while u can

(i saw the story before the edit)

unless you like the type that asks questions/makes statements that automatically put you in the wrong

[Edited on March 28, 2009 at 12:23 AM. Reason : ]

3/28/2009 12:21:47 AM

news brief anyone?

3/28/2009 12:23:53 AM

i would summarize, but im guessing he edited it out for a reason

3/28/2009 12:24:33 AM

but you saw it....spill it

3/28/2009 12:25:41 AM

it's reposted, people
^^ thank you

3/28/2009 12:25:57 AM

looks like he edited it back in

Quote :

"and should I write her right now and apologize?"

if you make any sort of apology, you are going to be making a mistake

[Edited on March 28, 2009 at 12:27 AM. Reason : ]

3/28/2009 12:26:06 AM

I read it. She just needs someone who is more tactful in the way they say things. You need someone with a thicker skin. She seems emotional-read-between-the-lines and insecure about her extra chunk and you don't seem to know how to talk to a woman with emotional instability needs. That might be hard for you bc I would say that 80% of women have emotional instability needs.

You will find someone. Good luck.

3/28/2009 12:27:57 AM

Couldn't you tell the .com girl that you had plans with the other girl before you contacted each other, but you want to see her instead, however you still want to be nice and take the other girl out on a date since it was already set up?

3/28/2009 12:28:12 AM

At least the girl got away from you before she invested too much time. Good for her.

3/28/2009 12:28:36 AM

You're not an asshole, but this chick def. seems like someone who is easily offended. If you really want to keep seeing her, then write her or whatever. Good luck.

3/28/2009 12:29:39 AM

i need an abbreviated version

3/28/2009 12:31:36 AM

dude talks to some chick hes not sure about but is into him(turn off for him)...i think he hangs out with second chick(?) which he really likes so he doesnt want to talk to chick #1 anymore, and is wanting to know the least mean way to break it off...apparently a lot of the people think he should date both...i dont share that view but i'm a prude

3/28/2009 12:33:37 AM

^,^^ Story at top is not present subject: present story appears about fifteen posts up, in second paragraph. Abbreviated version: I go out with girl, say thing that pisses her off, girl demands to be taken home, I take her home.

Quote :

"be thankful that it ended when it did."

Quote :

"run while u can unless you like the type that asks questions/makes statements that automatically put you in the wrong "

I must admit these are sort of my thoughts at the moment.

Quote :

"I read it. She just needs someone who is more tactful in the way they say things. You need someone with a thicker skin. She seems emotional-read-between-the-lines and insecure about her extra chunk and you don't seem to know how to talk to a woman with emotional instability needs. That might be hard for you bc I would say that 80% of women have emotional instability needs. You will find someone. Good luck."

That is probably accurate all the way through, until the last couple sentences, which I hope are accurate. And thanks

Quote :

"You're not an asshole, but this chick def. seems like someone who is easily offended. If you really want to keep seeing her, then write her or whatever. Good luck."

appreciate the corroboration and support, yo

3/28/2009 12:36:33 AM

two words: run away!

what you described is a huge red flag..... that .com chick has some issues.

3/28/2009 1:45:45 AM

This sounds like one of those times when that list of men's rules applies. "If you think you are fat then you prbably are. Don't ask us!"

3/28/2009 1:48:27 AM

Quote :

"She said "Whoa, bad move. Sucks to be you,""

what a bitch.

3/28/2009 1:59:09 AM

set em up

3/28/2009 2:00:01 AM