I've got my coffee and my NY Times paper... I'm on the way to catch the bus... a busy intersection on the eastside, I'm crossing the street at the crosswalk. I have the walk light. Snow and ice all on the roads this morning.

I'm more than halfway across, and this car is approaching, should be stopping, but I hear him sliding on the ice. I see his speed and trajectory, and I know I can make it across if I hurry up. so I step into a little jog, and then the motherfucker hits the gas pedal! the engine roars, and goddammit, he plows his car right into me!

son of a bitch!

I know I'm going to get hit, and I see the front bumper heading for my kneecaps, so I jump up at the last second and land on the hood and his windshield. My back and side hit full force against his windshield, probably traveling 10-15 MPH, and i feel the safety glass shatter and crush underneath the force of my body hitting it.

I spill head over heels and do a flip, and get knocked a good 5 feet or more out into the center of the intersection at 140th Ave NE and NE Bel-Red Road, landing on my right elbow and right hip. luckily for me I have a "George Costanza" wallet in my right hip pocket.

you know, the "Costanza" wallet.... the classic bi-fold wallet over-stuffed with various credit cards, library cards from other cities, expired coupons, 3-year old coffee receipts, rock climbing tickets at REI, business cards from people I never call, phone numbers for god-only-knows-who, cryptic scrawlings on post-it notes that make no sense. The damn thing is almost as thick as it is wide. Seriously. Rather than being a thin square, the wallet is more closer to a cube in shape.

And somehow, as if Fate herself is guiding my own body's contorted free-fall across the intersection, I land squarely on my George Costanza wallet.

My coffee goes everywhere. my New York Times is ruined. I lay on the ground for a second, do a self-check... no obvious broken bones ... so I get up and throw my now-empty coffee cup at the car and yell, "Shit!"

I jump up and run to his door, pull the handle open it up, and scream at the driver "WHAT THE FUCK, MAN??"

the guy is probably 85, maybe even 90 years old. wisps of thin gray hair on his bald head. He has liver spots on his head and face, and bad teeth that look close to falling out of his head. probably has a lot of great-grandchildren. He's wide-eyed and stammering incomprehensibly at me.

I feel bad now. Poor guy, his life is almost over. This accident could really be devastating for him. I'm not really hurt. "Ah, just get the hell out of here," I say, and close his door. He stares at me. I wave my arm at him vigorously. "Go!" He drives off.

Mumbling and cursing at the bad fortune of losing my coffee and NYT, I walk back to the intersection and pick up my Costanza Wallet where it had fallen out of my back pocket. It's soaking wet, shredded and full of slushy ice. my receipts and cards and post-it notes are ruined. dozens of drivers drive slowly by staring at me... some stop and ask if I'm okay. Yeah, I'm okay, I say. It's like they've never seen anyone hit by a car before.

Anyhow, I'm late for work. And now I need to get a new wallet.

1/15/2008 5:19:21 PM

you always looked like youve been run over by a car

1/15/2008 5:20:58 PM

1/15/2008 5:21:09 PM

holmes?

1/15/2008 5:21:42 PM

no holmes, good read

1/15/2008 5:34:14 PM

Poor guy. Nobody should have to read the NY Times.

1/15/2008 5:34:14 PM

^^^^

no shit, i really thought you somehow had a picture of my wallet right there.

thats exactly what it looks like.

er... used to look like

1/15/2008 5:36:15 PM

glad you are okay. That was an awesome story.

1/15/2008 5:40:51 PM

tww is a blg

1/15/2008 5:40:51 PM

Glad you weren't hurt. Still sucks though.

Between this and the hitching the US thread, it seems you have a gift for storytelling...

1/15/2008 5:44:56 PM

what the fuck dude. guy obviously can't make a judgement call and is unfit to be driving. think of the next bastard he hits, might not be so lucky. i think it is your civic duty to get crap like that reported. and since you have reported that you take the bus to work, someone can obviously get around your town without a car, and so can he.

1/15/2008 5:52:49 PM

hey, just wait until 48 hours from now something pops up...maybe a hairline fracture gets worse...maybe he kills the next guy....gg

1/15/2008 6:12:55 PM

^, ^^

yeah, i thought about all that after it was over and done. but to be honest, my mind was a blur and i was not thinking very well immediately after this happened.

my first reaction was that i was going to yank him out of the car and beat his ass. then i realized he was 85+ years old and I didn't have a plan for that.

after i got to work i just talked to a cop on the phone to file a report, and turns out that the guy himself also called in to report it. so i got his insurance info and everything.

I know its easy to point fingers at old people and how they shouldn't be driving, but the ice on the roads was really bad and i think it could have happened to anyone. I also think maybe he hit the gas at the last moment in an attempt to try and avoid me. Unfortunately I had already started running to try and avoid him and thats when he ran into me.

1/15/2008 6:32:08 PM

haha

1/15/2008 6:33:08 PM

was he blind?

wait that was yesterday's blog

1/15/2008 6:34:30 PM

Quote :

"It's like they've never seen anyone hit by a car before."

HULK SMASH!

1/15/2008 6:34:34 PM

great story/recount

1/15/2008 6:36:22 PM

Quote :

"... so I get up and throw my now-empty coffee cup at the car and yell, "Shit!" I jump up and run to his door, pull the handle open it up, and scream at the driver "WHAT THE FUCK, MAN??" "

Note to self:


Don't try to run JoeSchmoe over with a car.

1/15/2008 6:36:34 PM

TDub is my personal blog.


Y'all need to get used to it.

1/15/2008 6:37:01 PM

sounds like he needs to see a therapist about his anger. what are your secondary gains, joe?

1/15/2008 6:37:40 PM

so... he couldn't drive in the first place, but then you sent him on his way with a crushed windshield to look through as well?

1/15/2008 6:38:35 PM

you seem extremely hung up on this costanza wallet

1/15/2008 6:39:02 PM

1/15/2008 6:40:06 PM

^^ guys at work regularly teased me about my Costanza Wallet.

every time we went to lunch, i'd be payin' for my meal, they'd all be like "Can'tStandYa!" "Can'tStandYa!"

:grr: :grr:

1/15/2008 6:42:51 PM

note to self: next time make sure he is dead

1/15/2008 6:44:10 PM

hey do you work at microsoft, bel-red is totally grunge

[Edited on January 15, 2008 at 6:45 PM. Reason : FUCKIN MEDINA BABY]

1/15/2008 6:44:35 PM

Quote :

"sounds like he needs to see a therapist about his anger."

hmm. possibly.

Quote :

"so... he couldn't drive in the first place, but then you sent him on his way with a crushed windshield to look through as well"

owch. i didn't really think about that...

1/15/2008 6:44:55 PM

where did you cut and paste that from?

1/15/2008 6:45:35 PM

your mom.

1/15/2008 6:48:21 PM

he didnt cut and paste it, and he was drinking fucking starbux

and he was going to the blowjob park

1/15/2008 6:49:35 PM

even though i read the whole post i expected a fresh prince ending

1/15/2008 6:50:02 PM

actually, i was drinking a french roast from a bakery company in downtown Bellevue. but i did pick up the NYT from the Starbucks at 140th.

1/15/2008 6:53:18 PM

im pretty sure a good rule of thumb is broken windshield in accident = need for calling cops to get involved

1/15/2008 7:54:11 PM

I love reading your blogs. You should be a writer for a sitcom but then you would be on strike right now so don't do that.

1/15/2008 8:08:50 PM

the way you wrote this story had me lolling... 10/10

1/15/2008 8:11:12 PM