im a bit confused here....

friend of mine recently called me upset about her boyfriend/exboyfriend whom she had just gotten into a fight with

while her story was interrupted by her sobs and whatnot, the main point was that his verbal abuse turned to physical abuse. im not sure of the extent, she is apparently "alright" now, but when it happened he held her by the throat and punched her....additionally, he either pushed or hit her hard enough to break the door that he had her up against

police werent called, classic story of the boyfriend just "loosing his temper, he didnt mean it, its never happened before, etc" bullshit where the girl is possibly trying to protect the douchebag for whatever reason

while ill put up with a fair amount of shit in the world, this is too much....

what actions would you, my faithful tww readers, suggest

2/27/2007 3:25:58 PM

tell her that shes a dumbass for not calling the cops

2/27/2007 3:51:38 PM

aid her in dropping his ass......figuratively or literally, y'all decide.

2/27/2007 3:57:19 PM

As long as its over, mind your own business.

2/27/2007 4:03:42 PM

I didnt mean to, i just had a bad day, and she was asking me alot of stupid questions darnit!!!

but for really you should hope they work it out but if not you have to say something to them while theyre together to show that she's not alone and that you'll step in if needed.

2/27/2007 4:06:14 PM

did you see it or is this just one side of the story?

sure she wasnt instigating

2/27/2007 4:07:22 PM

^ exactly

2/27/2007 4:08:01 PM

still no excuse.

2/27/2007 4:12:52 PM

what? so if she instigated it, it's ok to batter her?

2/27/2007 4:16:52 PM

offtopic

[Edited on February 27, 2007 at 4:41 PM. Reason : offtopic]

2/27/2007 4:21:00 PM

females still dont have an equal amount of natural muscle mass tho.

2/27/2007 4:26:58 PM

some do

2/27/2007 4:27:40 PM

No good deed goes unpunished! By you giving a shit more than she does you are just gonna cause yourself problems. If she wants to continue being beaten allow her to do so, if she needs help she has gotta be the one to ask for it.

2/27/2007 4:34:09 PM

averagely speaking...

I mean yeah, if you have a 300lb woman with biceps the size of her thighs saying her scrawny short bf was abusing her, yeah, I think someone would have to look twice at that.

2/27/2007 4:35:16 PM

^ are you saying fat girls deserve to be abused, athat awful man

2/27/2007 4:37:42 PM

go over both of them and get the po po involved.
make them talk to her
then it's out of your hands.

2/27/2007 4:37:54 PM

off topic

[Edited on February 27, 2007 at 4:42 PM. Reason : off topic]

2/27/2007 4:40:46 PM

Quote :

"did you see it or is this just one side of the story?"

Might want to find out the whole story before you go swingin' my friend. While it's not right for a guy to do that, if the chick was hitting first, she's not blameless here. If he is being abusive regularly (meaning more than just this time) the best thing you can do is seriously encourage her to leave. If she doesn't, then so be it - it's her call.

2/27/2007 4:46:43 PM

Quote :

"are you saying fat girls deserve to be abused"

I didn't say she was fat, I implied that she was muscular

2/27/2007 4:47:44 PM

Quote :

"what actions would you, my faithful tww readers, suggest"

It depends largely on the situation. I had a friend whose boyfriend embarassed her and became violent in front of a large group of people. We took care of the situation, but I caught her in private and told her that her boyfriend was no longer welcome around myself, several of her friends, and some of her family and that she had to choose between him and us. I told her that we could not watch her stay in an abusive relationship and that we would help her with whatever she needed as long as she cut her ties with him. It worked. It certainly could have gone the other way, but I really felt that she was in the mindset that she would choose her friends over an abusive boyfriend.

[Edited on February 27, 2007 at 4:51 PM. Reason : s]

2/27/2007 4:48:41 PM

Goodbye, Earl.

2/27/2007 5:06:06 PM

tell her to stop being a stupid whore and just leave him

2/27/2007 8:21:19 PM

^that is harder said than done...most people who are in a situation like this have been mentally batter til the point they don't think they are worth leaving or getting help, etc...

If this didn't happen that long ago...I would take picture of her bruises. And start keep records with or without her knowing. Such as on 2/19 Kate called me and told me the following (fictional names and dates people!). If you can get pics of the bruises and keep track of them this will come in handy later when and if she does want to leave him. He could become stalkerish, etc... and that info will help prove a pattern to get restraining order and so forth. As for anything else you can do is tell her she is better than that and deserves better treatment. But she will not leave until she is ready so don't give up on her. Mental abuse is just as bad if not worse than physical abuse. I would say call the cops if it didn't happen to long ago but I don't think they could file charges based on you saying what she told you without saying it herself or wanting to press charges! Also be there if she needs to talk and keep that line of communication open cuz she will need you later. Also if she wants to talk to someone who has been there I am sure someone on here can talk from exp! If not or no one speaks up she can come talk to me...I watched my Dad do it to my Mom and I can talk to her if she likes. Good luck and stick by her!

Side note...on Dr. Phil today they did a social exp. and had a couple arguing on the streets on NYC...it took almost 30 minutes before someone stepped into help the girl and this was a physical fight the two were engaged in!!!

2/27/2007 9:20:59 PM

Holy shit...you are a guy

Call his ass up and let him know what you know and that you won't stand for it

Be a man

2/27/2007 9:35:53 PM

^^That was exactly what I was going to say. Keep track of it. You may need it later.

2/27/2007 10:27:15 PM

absolutapril has a good idea but the good guy doesn't need to be the one with charges being pressed against him! So if you do that don't let it get physical!

2/27/2007 10:37:57 PM

Quote :

" IT'S NEVER OKAY FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN IT'S NEVER OKAY FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN IT'S NEVER OKAY FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN IT'S NEVER OKAY FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN IT'S NEVER OKAY FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN IT'S NEVER OKAY FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN IT'S NEVER OKAY FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN IT'S NEVER OKAY FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN "

call the fucking cops. if what she said is true, a crime has been committed. the worst part is that this sort of shit self-perpetuates in a downward spiral until someone winds up getting really hurt

or killed

the only way this shit stops is through intervention.

2/27/2007 10:48:48 PM

thanks for the input.... a few things..

first, while the girl may be a bitch from time to time she hasn't/wouldn't have instigated anything to the point of his response being to beat her....so no, i didnt see this take place, but from being fairly close friends with her for the past 12 years, i am comfortable saying that i know her well enough to know that she wouldnt "instigate" this level of response

Quote :

"If she wants to continue being beaten allow her to do so, if she needs help she has gotta be the one to ask for it. "

thats bullshit, she doesnt want to continue being beaten....she called me asking for help, thus, this thread

Quote :

"if the chick was hitting first, she's not blameless here."

her pushing him away from her when he approached is hardly the same as beating him

Quote :

"tell her to stop being a stupid whore and just leave him "

treznor addressed this pretty well....

Quote :

"people who are in a situation like this have been mentally batter til the point they don't think they are worth leaving or getting help, etc..."

Quote :

"Call his ass up and let him know what you know and that you won't stand for it "

thats what im thinking will happen...but from having met this douchebag, i have a pretty good feeling this wont do much....still probably will be my first course of action though

and yes i agree that the police should be involved, im a bit unsure how to handle that exactly for maximum results with little or no bullshit

2/28/2007 9:15:38 AM

You can't really do much except change her mind. Besides, if this guy is crazy enough to beat up his girlfriend, you don't want him coming around and starting shit with you.

Action has to come from her. SHE needs to report it. And if charges are pressed, she needs prior complaints to build any type of case against him.

Don't start shit with him either, physically. It could easily turn around and if this girl is stupid/weak enough to let him punch her, what makes you think she wouldn't "side" with him if he decided to press chargest against you for attacking him?

And no matter what, unless a girl has you at gunpoint or hits you in the balls, you shouldn't hit them.

2/28/2007 9:25:25 AM

Quote :

"Call his ass up and let him know what you know and that you won't stand for it Be a man"

2/28/2007 9:51:22 AM

Quote :

"Action has to come from her. SHE needs to report it. And if charges are pressed, she needs prior complaints to build any type of case against him. "

not in Wake County. Once a woman reports domesitc abuse, its out of her hands. She cannot turn back and remove the charges or change her mind.

2/28/2007 10:04:31 AM

what I have gotten from this thread is that this plaisted7 person is unable to stay on topic at all.

2/28/2007 10:23:01 AM

^^Golovko that is damn good to know. I didn't realize Wake County treated domestic abuse in this way but that is great. I would definitely get the cops involved then if it hasn't been too long and she can still prove what happened! Do becareful though like others have said if he is gay enough to hit her than he would prolly come after you too. Also even if she hit him to begin with he still shouldn't hit her...most courts still side with a woman in this case. No one deserves to be beaten...man or woman!

2/28/2007 2:08:52 PM

bump this thread and make notes of what he did every time he's abusive and send her the link in a few months

2/28/2007 2:22:05 PM

I wouldn't wait a few months
you're supposedly her friend, go help her out man!
This kind of thing does so much mental damage to the person involved that they're too afraid to get help for themselves.

2/28/2007 2:26:06 PM

Quote :

"you should hope they work it out but if not you have to say something to them while theyre together to show that she's not alone and that you'll step in if needed."

there is no working out do be done here... happening once is too much

2/28/2007 10:42:50 PM

Like others are saying....get her the fuck out of that situation. I am not saying that you need to be a hero or her knight in shining armor, but if she is intelligent enough to come to you and tell you her boyfriend beat her, then she should be open minded enough to listen to options you give her.

Also, if consequences through legal follow-through can be achieved for her douchebag boyfriend, then by all means she should try to achieve them.

Who's to say that he won't try this shit on someone else? It could be your sister, mother, etc. next. Ok, that's a little far-fetched, but I think everyone has a responsibility to stop violence and not turn a blind eye to it.

3/1/2007 12:00:47 AM

"Call his ass up and let him know what you know and that you won't stand for it

Be a man"

I wouldn't do that if I were you. That might just encourage him to beat her more and threaten her not to tell you. Then you'll be out of the loop completely.

Give her the number to Interact- they have a 24 hour crisis line- 828-7740


http://www.interactofwake.org/

3/1/2007 1:35:22 PM

go there and stab him in the throat with a big fucking knife.

3/1/2007 1:59:13 PM

3/1/2007 1:59:59 PM

^ well, thats a conversation stopper if i ever saw one.

3/1/2007 11:44:05 PM

any update?

3/1/2007 11:59:43 PM

ive tried talking to her over the past few days, me being in raleigh and her having just moved to charlotte, with our schedules, make it difficult to speak more often

anyway...she has moved to charlotte, luckily the job she was applying for opened up with an immediate start date. so at least she is more than an hour from him now (he is still in greensboro, where she lived until just a few days ago)

when i last spoke with her i expressed my concern again, hopefully more clearly...she refused to give me any of his info so my hands are still tied in that regard

while i did mention the police, her hesitancy to give me any of his info makes me a bit concerned. i dont think that she is doing it to protect him or anything, i think it is more of her just wanting to forget about things.....i have a pretty good idea that she is done with him, but there is still that sliver of a feeling that that may not last and she will be talking to him again at some point

im a bit lost as to what i should do from here...

and thanks tww for all of the suggestions and support

3/2/2007 12:18:02 AM

Well I am glad she has moved away from him that is good. And a good sign that she is at least willing to get the fuck away from him. She might be worried if the police get involved that it would provoke him more. I guess since she isn't in immediate danger you can wait to see if she gets back with him and just keep those lines of communication open and the support line there Keep us posted

3/2/2007 12:40:26 AM

Quote :

"she doesnt want to continue being beaten....she called me asking for help, thus, this thread"

hahahaha

3/2/2007 6:45:50 PM

pushing != hitting. She could have been going crazy, jumping all over him, and he just pushed her off. Not enough details and certainly not unbiased.

3/2/2007 6:49:24 PM

Quote :

"tell her that shes a dumbass for not calling the cops"

other than that, don't get yourself involved in their drama. you may end up being fucked.

3/3/2007 8:09:10 AM

Quote :

"IT'S NEVER OKAY FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN IT'S NEVER OKAY FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN IT'S NEVER OKAY FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN IT'S NEVER OKAY FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN IT'S NEVER OKAY FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN IT'S NEVER OKAY FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN IT'S NEVER OKAY FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN IT'S NEVER OKAY FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN"

3/3/2007 8:27:19 AM

yes it is.

3/3/2007 10:11:27 AM

Quote :

"but for really you should hope they work it out but if not you have to say something to them while theyre together to show that she's not alone and that you'll step in if needed."

Probably not a good idea because after you leave, there's no telling what he could do to her for telling you. Him hitting her has already proved he has violent tendencies. The best thing she could do is get a restraining order against him and never see him again. However, that is not likely to happen from what you have said. Beating his ass is just going to result in him beating her ass for getting you involved. I would suggest getting her alone and telling her straight out what's up. She needs to realize what happens to girls in her situation. Maybe you could find another girl that has been through this to talk to her or maybe even talk her into joining a support group. If this doesn't work, the only thing you can do is put a bug in the police's ear. They probably wont do a damn thing though unless she tells them to, unless of course he severely injures her. Good luck.

3/3/2007 11:16:59 AM