I'm thinking about getting engaged and was wondering if other guys out there still went to the girls father, and asked permission to marry his daughter or what?

I want to do things right and I am a traditional guy, so any input would be great!

9/6/2006 8:16:37 AM

you definately should...it shows respect for her and her father...

9/6/2006 8:20:27 AM

i would say depends on (1) age and (2) relationship between girl and father. ive been tossing this idea around too.

9/6/2006 8:21:03 AM

i didnt talk to her father.....but he lives 7 hours away (that wouldnt be something i would do over the phone) and i really dont know him all that well.

i wouldnt really consider myself traditional either.

9/6/2006 8:23:12 AM

you know, it is so funny and ironic...

no matter how "advanced" americans in general think they are, and no matter how much they tout equality of the sexes, most still seem to ask the girl's father for her hand in marriage/engagement.

does the father own her? can't she make up her own mind? what is the point of asking the father; if he says no, then what? do you still go ahead with it? if you do, then you really don't respect the father or the girl.

and what about the guy's father? why doesn't the girl ask his permission to engage/marry the guy?

9/6/2006 8:25:58 AM

THOSE SILLY AMERICANS

THINKING THEY ARE SO ADVANCED

WISH I WAS 0NE

9/6/2006 8:26:56 AM

^^it has nothing to do with being advanced.

its a tradition (moreso in the south the elsewhere), and some people look at it as an act of respect. no one is saying you have to do it, but does it really matter when someone does?

9/6/2006 8:28:46 AM

i can't speak for myself or my husband because my father is deceased. but i don't know of anyone out of my friends who have gotten engaged/married that went to the girl's father to ask for permission.

9/6/2006 8:30:25 AM

no ones dad is gonna say no anyway, i bet

i probably wouldnt ask the dad, anyways... unless the girl said that i should, or that her dad would appreciate it. so i will probably propose first, and if she says "did you ask dad??" then i will ask him

9/6/2006 8:30:27 AM

I didn't ask my wifes father, but I asked her mother and stepfather, since her stepfather was actually involved in her life and her father was not at all.

Personally I think if they had said no I would have asked them why, and if they gave me something to prove to them I was worthy of marrying their daughter, I would have done that. If they gave no way to get their blessing, then at that point I would have said I'm sorry but I will do it with or without them if she wants to.

I don't think its a thing where the parents decide for the girl, but its good to get their blessing and to make sure that they think we are both ready emotionally for this.

9/6/2006 8:33:14 AM

Ask for their blessing, not their permission

9/6/2006 8:33:26 AM

i wonder if any of them have actually said no. ive been in a couple of relationships where im sure the dad really didnt like me at all, but he was still nice to me... or at least tried to be nice.

so i just cant imagine a dad being like "fuck you for making my daughter happy " - i couldnt ever see myself doing that to someone who cared about my daughter

9/6/2006 8:36:07 AM

Personally, since this is what we did with both of our families, I think that the couple should make the decision to get married (he propose, whatever) and that together they should ask for the entire family's blessing to marry.

[Edited on September 6, 2006 at 8:39 AM. Reason : .]

9/6/2006 8:39:00 AM

im not gonna have this problem for a really long time anyways, hahaha

9/6/2006 8:43:23 AM

Quote :

"Ask for their blessing, not their permission"

exactly

9/6/2006 9:12:16 AM

Quote :

"no matter how "advanced" americans in general think they are, and no matter how much they tout equality of the sexes, most still seem to ask the girl's father for her hand in marriage/engagement. does the father own her? can't she make up her own mind? what is the point of asking the father; if he says no, then what? do you still go ahead with it? if you do, then you really don't respect the father or the girl. and what about the guy's father? why doesn't the girl ask his permission to engage/marry the guy?"

thats utter bullshit

9/6/2006 9:26:27 AM

I asked both of her parents before I got engaged. Of course it was a foregone conclusion that they would agree and give me their blessing, but I did it because it was a nice gesture. I think I'll do it again the next time I get married.

[Edited on September 6, 2006 at 9:46 AM. Reason : silly pronouns...]

9/6/2006 9:46:04 AM

My husband didn't ask my father. My mom picked on him about it.

9/6/2006 9:46:09 AM

Quote :

"wondering if other guys out there still went to the girls father, and asked permission to marry his daughter or what?"

Blessing or Permission if he says no, are you going to change your mind about marryying her?

Ask her first she's the only one that matters.

[Edited on September 6, 2006 at 9:51 AM. Reason : brain is faster than my fingers]

[Edited on September 6, 2006 at 9:51 AM. Reason : .]

9/6/2006 9:50:32 AM

Quote :

"Ask her first she's the only one that matters."

That's not really true.

When you marry someone you're also marrying their family, like it or not. I wouldn't have married a girl whose parents didn't get along with me, or if my parents didn't get along with her. That whole "love conquers all" thing is a load of bullshit meant for fairy tales.

9/6/2006 9:53:16 AM

do it that way. with the mom and the pop if possible. show the mom the ring and all.

9/6/2006 9:55:26 AM

Quote :

"does the father own her? can't she make up her own mind? what is the point of asking the father; if he says no, then what? do you still go ahead with it? if you do, then you really don't respect the father or the girl. and what about the guy's father? why doesn't the girl ask his permission to engage/marry the guy?"

I seriously doubt anyone thinks of it that way. Look once you get married, like it or not, you are going to be part of that girl's family, so I think of it more like "Hey are you and your family accepting me into your family?" The dad could be like, "No we hate you and think you're a deadbeat." Then you can decide if you want to deal with that for the rest of your life.

9/6/2006 9:55:57 AM

My husband talked to my dad about it before he proposed to me. I mean, by marrying me, he became a part of our family, and I became a part of his. He told his parents he was going to propose before he did, so he felt it was only fitting to tell mine as well. It makes both families feel included and starts everything off on a good note because they all are "in on the plan."

9/6/2006 9:58:31 AM

My sister's Fiance didn't talk to my parents first and they are still pissed about that.

9/6/2006 10:09:15 AM

Side question. What if you don't like her dad? Should you still suck it up and ask or just figure you're already screwed and skip it?

9/6/2006 10:11:40 AM

Quote :

"you know, it is so funny and ironic... no matter how "advanced" americans in general think they are, and no matter how much they tout equality of the sexes, most still seem to ask the girl's father for her hand in marriage/engagement. does the father own her? can't she make up her own mind? what is the point of asking the father; if he says no, then what? do you still go ahead with it? if you do, then you really don't respect the father or the girl. and what about the guy's father? why doesn't the girl ask his permission to engage/marry the guy?"

the diference here is these guys are letting the fathers decide if you are good enough to ask the daughter to marry you. Its showing respect. And its not like the father would then force the marrage.

unlike you durka durkas where its "hey dude heres 5 bucks and a goat give me ur daughter thx." And then the daughter is forced into it.

[Edited on September 6, 2006 at 10:14 AM. Reason : .]

9/6/2006 10:13:52 AM

Quote :

"I wouldn't have married a girl whose parents didn't get along with me, or if my parents didn't get along with her. "

9/6/2006 10:17:46 AM

^ i think cricket has no clue whats going on here

9/6/2006 10:26:19 AM

^no shit. Good parents are pretty damn important

9/6/2006 10:37:52 AM

^thank you

9/6/2006 10:40:29 AM

I agree with BobbyDigital about the whole love conquers all bit. But if you think this chica is a good match for you, and your in laws, parents etc. don't seem to get along that well, who cares. You're starting a life with your spouse, who you have to see everyday and maybe start your own family. I'd rather have a spouse I love than a family I like.

Quote :

" wouldn't have married a girl whose parents didn't get along with me, or if my parents didn't get along with her."

seems kind of stupid not to marry a girl you love, because her parents don't like you.

9/6/2006 10:48:18 AM

i went over to my fiance's parents' house and first talked to her dad and then after we were done her mom kinda wandered in and she was more or less informed

i was pretty close to her parents though - i could go over there by myself and her parents would ask me to stay for dinner and whatnot

they both told me that i definitely didn't have to ask for their blessing or anything along those lines - her dad didn't ask - they definitely respected the fact that i did though

the conversation started off pretty weird b/c i wasn't exactly sure what to say but it went pretty well i'd say

i also showed them the ring before i asked

9/6/2006 10:48:59 AM

Quote :

"seems kind of stupid not to marry a girl you love, because her parents don't like you."

Demonstrably false. You know all those jokes about "the in-laws"? They're not really that funny when your marriage is falling apart because you can't get along your spouse's parents/family. All it takes is one tiny little seed of resentment because you hate going to her house for Christmas, or she spends all of Thanksgiving on the couch watching TV because she "just can't" interact with your family for two hours. Believe it or not, unless the two of you hate your own families and move far far away, you're going to run into problems.

9/6/2006 11:19:37 AM

Quote :

"I agree with BobbyDigital about the whole love conquers all bit. But if you think this chica is a good match for you, and your in laws, parents etc. don't seem to get along that well, who cares. You're starting a life with your spouse, who you have to see everyday and maybe start your own family. I'd rather have a spouse I love than a family I like. Quote : " wouldn't have married a girl whose parents didn't get along with me, or if my parents didn't get along with her." seems kind of stupid not to marry a girl you love, because her parents don't like you."

thats called settling, not love

9/6/2006 11:44:44 AM

Odd, I didn't know that TWW was so testicle challenged. Letting other people influence your decisions.

I can't marry this girl cause I can't get along with the in laws

9/6/2006 11:47:32 AM

nurture, not nature.

its about respect - for yourself (which you obviously have no clue about), your own family, and that of your partner

9/6/2006 11:49:41 AM

I don't get where you're coming from with the respect issue. First you say I have no respect for myself, which is a pretty irresponsible comment to make because you don't personally know me. Second, I'm not saying that I would or would not ask for the blessing of her family. But if I did, and the family said no, andbI was sure that I wanted to spend my life with her I would still go through with it.

9/6/2006 11:55:15 AM

I'd ask just because it is what you are expected to do (most of the time), The answer however is no big deal... If he says no then fuck him.. he sucks.

9/6/2006 11:56:57 AM

Testicle challenged or not, I'd like to enjoy my holidays rather than spend them (and the two weeks before and after) arguing about the in-laws.

^Really, what kind of ass is going to say no?

Unless you're a deadbeat with no prospects in life who couldn't even own a goldfish much less take care of a spouse, I don't think you're really going to have a problem. And if you are that deadbeat, perhaps you should re-examine your codependancy issues.

9/6/2006 12:06:50 PM

if her family doesn't like you, live in sin until she changes their minds

9/6/2006 12:14:35 PM

Quote :

"no one is saying you have to do it, but does it really matter when someone does? "

Speaking for myself, yes.
I also hate the idea of being "given away" at weddings.
If you want to do it, knock yourself out.

9/6/2006 12:39:33 PM

im confused, you say "yes", it matter when someone does it, but then you say "If you want to do it, knock yourself out."

9/6/2006 12:41:19 PM

well i dont know if i would "ASK PERMISSION" persay, but i would tell him i was planning on marrying his daughter. But then again, it depends on the type of person they are.

9/6/2006 12:41:35 PM

I went to both of the parents

9/6/2006 12:52:32 PM

OH SHIT... congrats Jason

9/6/2006 1:27:51 PM

you went to both the parents, rjrumfel? that blows my mind.. you figure the one of the best things about getting engaged is the look on her face, the excitement and her getting to call the family to tell them teh good news.

you wouldnt want them to just be sitting there saying, wow, way to go, we knew all along...

9/6/2006 1:54:12 PM

Quote :

"no matter how "advanced" americans in general think they are, and no matter how much they tout equality of the sexes, most still seem to ask the girl's father for her hand in marriage/engagement. "

Another wonderful post from 0EPII1. His track record keeps getting better and better with his stereotyping.

Myself, I didn't go to the parents because it's her decision to make, not theirs. I had been dating her for 3 years and had been pretty much been accepted into the family already. Been to several family events already ... getting insulted just as much as any other family member.

9/6/2006 2:01:03 PM

God I wish I could live in a shitty sandbox like OEP and believe in Allah. Then I'd really be advanced.

9/6/2006 2:03:48 PM

Quote :

"the look on her face, the excitement and her getting to call the family to tell them teh good news."

That's true, and if you talk about it with her folks, they'll probably agree to act just as surprised as they can. Or you could just talk to her father, who will most likely be a bit more muted about the entire affair than the mother, and when her mother finds out, she's actually finding out for the first time, and everyone wins. Another trick is to not let them know when you're going to pull the trigger, so to speak, and they'll have a little real surprise added in to make the whole experience more real. This way, you've satisfied the parents/father's wish to be respected, and the mother's/daughter's wish to be surprised.

Whatever you choose, just remember to make it a happy occasion, and not a stressful one. Good luck!

9/6/2006 2:51:37 PM

Quote :

"Ask for their blessing, not their permission"

9/6/2006 2:51:52 PM