My one-year separation is nearly up. I have to admit...my anxiety's ramping up.

And to add to the whole ordeal, wife calls me last week and expresses an interest in getting back together. My therapist says it's NOT a good idea. Wife has not been in therapy.

Anyway...share your experiences with divorce and the circumstances surrounding it, if you feel so inclined.

I have to admit, and I don't know why, but I am scared of this all. It's so final.

7/7/2006 8:12:48 PM

I don't really know you, but from the few bits of the story I've caught on here, it seems like you definitely need to stay away. Didn't she cheat on you or something? Or was that somebody else.

7/7/2006 8:13:59 PM

Yeah. She did. It was wild how she did this because she (according to what she said) waited to sleep with the guy until we had signed papers. But there's more than ample evidence to suggest that she spent a LOT of time with this guy prior to the separation, and there's evidence of at least a kiss or two, for whatever that's worth.

She basically asked me if I could accept her for who she was and maybe call off this whole divorce thing. I asked her if it was me who did what she did, could she ever trust ME?

I'm not going to get back together with her because I've definitely learned the hard way that you can't just forge ahead even given inklings of past behavioral patterns.

7/7/2006 8:19:44 PM

Yeah, don't waste your time. You can't change people, and you won't forget what she did to you. Hopefully you can move on and find something fulfilling elsewhere.

7/7/2006 8:23:13 PM

I have a good friend who has had a similar experience. The interesting thing is that his wife had come from a broken home environment, and she had suffered emotional and physical abuse.

My wife's mother is not mentally well at all, and I think she definitely emotionally abused my wife. My wife's parents divorced when she was only one year old (it was not amicable in the least). She doesn't really know what being part of a close family is all about.

7/7/2006 8:28:29 PM

how long were you married?

7/7/2006 8:45:42 PM

You'll be fine. It seems like you've learned a lot from it...which is good. So you won't make the same mistakes next time (like not picking a woman who is so emotionally unstable).

And don't feel bad about having a divorce under your belt either. It happens to just about everyone these days (sadly enough). My mom is the sweetest, most beautiful woman I know and she's been divorced twice. And her third marriage (couple years ago before she turned 50), is turning out great...the guy is awesome.

Don't make the statement I hear so often..."I'm never getting married again!" and don't jump quickly into another relationship (which it doesn't sound like you're doing). Concentrate on your physical and mental health as well as your professional life. Everything else will come to you.

7/7/2006 8:47:32 PM

i feel like your trust tree is forever ruined

7/7/2006 9:22:29 PM

Quote :

"how long were you married?"

Three years.

Quote :

"Don't make the statement I hear so often..."I'm never getting married again!" and don't jump quickly into another relationship (which it doesn't sound like you're doing). "

I'm definitely in no hurry to get into another relationship. I'm not turned off by the prospect of marriage either. I'll pick a hell of a lot more carefully next time.

It doesn't make it any easier for the moment, though. I suppose in another year, I will feel a little better about it all.

7/7/2006 9:48:03 PM

I'd like to quote The Mr Ghostface Killah

Quote :

"[Ghostface Killah] Aiyo, I thought we was iller than that, all them kisses And love yous, when jake came, you hid my packs It was time a brother went to war, vests banged up Staining in the kitchen, yo, holding a four Sweatin' and breathing, bounced out of town for a weekend Heard you had homey in the passenger seating Honey, look, I'm a monster don, I do monster things That's why I put your ass under my arm Messing with him can bring bodily harm And where you gonna hide in the streets when the body is gone If it's one thing I learned that, never trust a female On no scale, you just confirmed that Bounce to your momma house, pack your shit I don't care if you crying, you'se a ruthless chick Gots to watch you, these eyeballs in my face'll spot you My girl cousins, they gon' rock you"

7/7/2006 9:55:52 PM

3 years including the 1 year seperation?

how long did you date beforehand?

just curious

7/7/2006 9:57:58 PM

That sucks dude. I've been married almost a year now (and life is grande).

My sister has been through a divorce before. Though, not because of marital unfaithfulness. She got married at the age of 18. Her husband started doing drugs and alcohol. I think he did it in his past, stopped doing those things, then when he got married to her he started doing them again.

This guy could not keep a job. He kept getting fired because he'd steal stuff, or sleep on the job, or do something wrong at work. My sister worked 2 jobs just to keep them going. One day he got drunk, wrecked their car, then the cops found drugs in the car, and he got put in jail. He got out on probation and the physical and verbal abuse ensued. After this event and whole year of trying to plea with her husband to change, she decided she had to leave or else something worse might have happened.

She tells me she still loves him, but will never go back to him because he's too stubborn/prideful and will never change. They were married for over 2 years. It was rough on her because our mom was opposed to the marriage to begin with. And when she got divorced, my mom was rubbing in the fact that my sister didn't listen to her advice about this guy. It really made it hard for my sister to recover. She went through a whole year, after the divorce, depressed and alone. My mom eventually came around to forgiving her and since then they have made up.

Now she's going through college and trying to finish up her bachelors. She made it through a lot and I'm proud of her. She's a tough and strong willed woman.

7/8/2006 1:03:38 AM

oh, well if you divorce her.........sue him for alienation of affection

7/8/2006 2:02:25 AM

dude, if it was only 3 years, you need to be thankful.

so cut your losses, and let it go now.

before it turns into 10 years, and you find yourself in the same damn place.

because your relationship with her will NEVER EVER be like it used to be.

you already know she's trying to manipulate you. cut her off.

7/8/2006 3:02:59 AM

Quote :

"Yeah, don't waste your time. You can't change people, and you won't forget what she did to you. Hopefully you can move on and find something fulfilling elsewhere."

-ZiP!-

7/8/2006 3:33:16 AM

Quote :

"oh, well if you divorce her.........sue him for alienation of affection"

That's very possibly part of the plan.

We were married exactly one week less than three years before we separated.

We dated for at least a year and a half before that...really almost two. We lived together for a majority of that time.

The more I think of it, the more all of it's a tumultuous story, and one that was pretty much destined to have a not-so-happy ending. But that would take a LONG post, and I don't think it would be very fair or nice to air out the whole nine yards. After all, it only stands to reason that my perspective is a little biased.

7/8/2006 4:14:18 AM

I'm really sorry to hear about your story, but part of life is learning experiences, right? If I were you I wouldn't even be talking to my ex. To me if someone cheats on me (Which has happend in one of my 2 year relationships ) I think that they forfeit the right to ask me of anything. Cheating is one of the worst things you can do in a relationship...

And from my experiences, once a cheater, always a cheater. People who cheat may not be doing it to be vicious, but they are on many levels very selfish and immature.

And I have nothing but respect for you for stepping up and standing up for yourself. Good luck!

7/8/2006 7:39:47 AM

Quote :

"And from my experiences, once a cheater, always a cheater. People who cheat may not be doing it to be vicious, but they are on many levels very selfish and immature."

I really think you hit the nail on the head. In my opinion, cheating is akin to killing. Once you break the ice, it just keeps getting easier to do.

Like my momma said, "If she'll do it with you, she'll do it to you."

7/8/2006 8:40:38 AM

i feel ya dan. my year is coming around sometime and weve both had thoughts about the same stuff, but we both realize they are just thoughts, and we really werent meant to be together.

the fact that yours cheated on you, fuck her and move one. the law is on your side as far as alienation of affection and criminal conversation, punitive damages are usually pretty substantial in those.

if you want to go that route. you strike me as just wanting to close that chapter and get the fuck on with your life.

mine just changed once we got comfortable. wed known each other for like ten years, dated for like 3 years, and i overlooked the signs. she just wasnt career driven, and i had no intention of being a sugar daddy, so i nipped it in the bud. that was really the only thing wrong with mine. it sucks

7/8/2006 9:10:42 AM

This is very simple for a very complex situation. You have questions you need to answer for yourself.

1) Do you love her. Not like, lust, feel for her... but love her.

2) Can you honestly forgive her for cheating on you? There can be stipulations but can you?

3) How willing is she to go to counseling with you? This is not a 1-2 meeting thing. This is a year long process sometimes longer? How willing are you to do this.

4) Is she worth it? Will she drag you down into depression or worse? Or will she make your life more complete and wonderful.

You should know after these questions. Be honest to yourself.

7/8/2006 9:41:32 AM

Fuck that. Here's the one question you need to ask yourself:

1) Did she cheat on you?

7/8/2006 10:24:29 AM

^Yep, if you take someone back after cheating on you, you are a fucking tool destined to get walked on

7/8/2006 11:11:27 AM

Quote :

" I have to admit, and I don't know why, but I am scared of this all. It's so final."

its not that final. if the time were to ever come down the road where you two "fell back in love," you could always get remarried

7/8/2006 11:42:14 AM

nothings ever final. even life is temporary.

7/8/2006 12:39:01 PM

GET BACK TOGETHER. RELATIONSHIPS ARE WORK. now you are fully engaged into the relationship. make up and make it stronger.


"Keep It Jungle, B."
-Amsterdam718

7/8/2006 12:47:15 PM

No, I think it's best he cuts his losses and moves on.

7/8/2006 2:13:30 PM

A divorce is painful, but I'll tell you this: I am so much happier now than when I was married.

7/8/2006 6:02:34 PM

Quote :

"RELATIONSHIPS ARE WORK"

Oh, that's the understatement of the year. I don't think we would have made it as far as we did if we hadn't worked for it.

I feel like I gave up a good deal of my life as I knew it to pursue this goal. The big deal was, I was ready to give it up.

At this point, I'm most definitely not happy about where I am (or happy in general for that matter), but I know it's not a permanent thing.

7/8/2006 6:06:22 PM

relationships are work, but if she cheated, then she obviously wasn't willing to work enough. Cut her loose and enjoy the rest of your life.

7/8/2006 7:43:57 PM

^ bad advice. you don't know the circumstances. if she's willing to come back than obviously she's realized it was a mistake. I SAY MAKE UP and GET YOUR RELATIONSHIP BACK ON. don't be an asshole caught up in bravado. you married for a reason. make it happen, G. RELATIONSHIPS ARE WORK !!!

7/8/2006 8:18:11 PM

Quote :

"if she's willing to come back than obviously she's realized it was a mistake"

What the hell is your point? Once a cheater, always a cheater.

7/8/2006 8:32:24 PM

^^He never said he was an emotional masochist. He's also not a dumbass like you.

7/8/2006 8:44:05 PM

Quote :

"I don't really know you, but from the few bits of the story I've caught on here, it seems like you definitely need to stay away."

7/8/2006 9:11:19 PM

relationships do take work, but there are plenty of girls out there who won't cheat on him, so why take this bitch back?

7/9/2006 1:25:11 AM

Quote :

"I don't really know you, but from the few bits of the story I've caught on here, it seems like you definitely need to stay away."

7/9/2006 1:28:57 AM

I know we had our problems, and there were definitely times when I wasn't the most pleasant person in the world.

And under normal circumstances, reconciliation might be in order, though I feel like we've definitely grown apart and don't have nearly as much in common as we used to.

I've definitely learned a lot about how to handle relationships and how to NOT handle them.

This much I know: I'm not innocent (at least not totally). I tried to be supportive, and I think for the most part I succeeded. But I was too overprotective at times and I think too overbearing. Insecure? Yeah, some. Never worried about her cheating. EVER. More worried about what kind of trouble she would get herself into. And yeah, there was precedent on that one. You might say that every now and then the dynamic became one of parent-child (one I damn sure didn't want to occur, but did nevertheless).

Not healthy from the beginning. But I was definitely naive, and let emotion be the big deciding factor. If I had used my head instead (or listened to the little voice in the back of it), I would have likely never married her.

Bottom line is, we were both pretty damn immature at the beginning, and we went into the whole marriage thing too quickly and haphazardly.

And the real bottom line is, there are lots of ways to work things out, and lots of actions to mar a relationship. Many, if not most, are very forgivable. But I think just bailing out and hooking up with somebody else is pretty damn hard to forgive. And trust? Forget it.

Thanks for letting me air my grievances, folks. And thanks for your input.

[Edited on July 9, 2006 at 3:51 AM. Reason : ...]

7/9/2006 3:46:18 AM

You're welcome

7/9/2006 3:56:19 AM

From the way you talk it soundsl like you don't have any kids with her, so be thankful for that. Kids can get so confused in situations like that and sharing custody, etc always makes you have to speak to her and be civil.

7/9/2006 11:47:09 AM

Oh...but she has a son. 12yrs old.

I think it upset him quite a bit in the beginning, but he quickly regained control. It seems like a changeup every three years or so (or less; usually less) is kind of normal to him, as that's what he's always known.

She was with me the longest of anybody.

7/9/2006 11:49:35 AM

Quote :

"But I was definitely naive, and let emotion be the big deciding factor. If I had used my head instead (or listened to the little voice in the back of it), I would have likely never married her."

you hit mine on the head. i thought it was cold feet, my best man talked me out of bailing, but i really wouldnt change it, ive grown and learned a lot through all this.

7/9/2006 12:04:52 PM

^And that's the big reason that I'm not calling my marriage a mistake. I learned a HELL of a lot about what I will and won't deal with in a long-term relationship. I learned a lot about who I am, where I come from, and my personal convictions and beliefs.

More than ever, I KNOW WHO I AM AND WHAT I WANT. I shared a lot of good things and times with my wife. I won't trade those for anything, though at times the memories are very bittersweet.

I also dealt with a lot of things that were very difficult, and in my opinion, unnecessary. I'll be a lot firmer on deciding not to put myself in that kind of position in the future.

7/9/2006 10:30:52 PM

maybe idf ud stay outta the bars and get home and tend to your problems, you wouldnt be in this situation

7/9/2006 10:48:30 PM

Damn. Cold.

Here's one fer ye: I didn't go to bars when we were together.

The only time I ever go to a bar is when I'm with friends (and I drive; I don't drink) or when I'm working the door at Tir Na Nog (I took that job after the separation to help pay bills).

And I preferred to stay home.

[Edited on July 9, 2006 at 10:58 PM. Reason : ...]

7/9/2006 10:58:13 PM

I feel for you. I was married for 2.5 years. When the one year point hit we both knew it was the right thing to go ahead with the divorce. She was much happier, as was I.

It wasn't alot of fun, but that was probably the biggest growth experience I've ever had. Three weeks after signing the papers I was off to hike the Appalachian Trail for 6 months. Lots of time to think things over.

Getting hitched next April to a lady that shared a canoe with me for 73 days going down the Mississippi River (http://www.source2sea.info) I'm one lucky SOB, and not worried about this next one.

Stay strong.
-J. Swank

7/9/2006 11:03:16 PM

Thanks, man.

I remember reading your posts about the Mississippi. I was totally envious.

And congratulations on your upcoming lives together.

7/9/2006 11:08:50 PM

Dan, as much as I'd like to have your bitch ass around forever to fix up my POS cars, you've talked several times about making a clean break.

You don't have a kid with your ex wife, so you could honestly get the hell out of here. You've lived in NC most of your life, haven't you? Maybe you need to finally get yourself that engineering job you've been wanting and get the fuck out of here. That means no more ex wife shit, and most definately no pointless lawsuits for alienation of affection or any of that. You know you can't go back to the way things were with.

Moving away will be scary, but it will be an opportunity to shake things up. You don't have to pack up and move to California or something, but getting 5+ hours from here will give you a chance to get away from the same routine of the family business and the slightly nutty ex.

7/9/2006 11:33:29 PM

^FTW. I just gotta get my shit together.

7/10/2006 1:24:52 AM

p.s. Keep it jungle, b.

7/10/2006 2:16:55 AM

JUNGLE BOOGIE

7/10/2006 2:25:21 AM

Dude...She changes things up every three years? That's a sign right there.

I feel bad for her kid, but I wouldn't want to get mixed up in her problems.

Also, it's very possible that she sees the finality in a very different way than you do. I'm sure you took good care of her and her son. If she loved you she wouldn't have cheated and the fact that she cheated means that she probably won't get shit for alimony. I'd be very weary of her trying to use me to maintain her lifestyle if I were in your shoes. A year on her own and she might be starting to realize that she isn't going to find another man to take care of her anytime soon.

7/10/2006 2:32:49 AM